"And even that made you feel guilty."
Too surprised to be embarrassed by her insight, I said, "You get this, don't you?"
"Years of therapy myself, honey. Told you I was fucked up." Again her gaze strayed to the field. "Too fucked up for some, I guess. But enough about me. Why not just see where it takes you with Gray. Do you have to have answers?"
"No, I guess not. But he's leaving and I’m—I guess I'm afraid of losing something I value again."
“Because he’s going back to San Diego?" Lana asked.
I nodded.
"So you'll bury yourself for love but you won't move a few states to pursue it?"
“I—ah—” I gaped at her like a beached fish. Snapping my mouth shut, I bit my lip. "I don't know."
"I guess that's the question you'll have to answer when the time comes. The answer you have to provide for yourself now is whether you're willing to open yourself up to the possibility of loving again. You, of all people, know how short actual life can be. What do you want to fit in before life is over?"
Lana patted my hand and left me stunned on the metal bleacher. That's what Will had tried to do—cram in as much living as possible. It wasn't that he didn't love me, but that he wasn't letting his fears hold him back from trying everything. If there was anything I should do to honor his memory it would be to start actually living.
I didn’t share my discussion with Lana with Gray. We’d never talked about our future because our time had always been temporary. I just held her words of advice inside me and thought about it. Later that night, after he fell asleep, I let myself envision living in sunny San Diego and it didn’t feel wrong at all.
“Get up, sleepyhead.” A large hand I’d come to recognize as Gray’s—just by the feel—cupped my cheek. Without opening my eyes, I traced that hand up the forearm to the biceps and tugged. I gave a sleepy smile when his weight came down to settle over my body and I burrowed more deeply into the covers, satisfied that all was perfect in the world.
A nose nuzzled my hair, and Gray molded the blankets around my body. After the long hours of sometimes tender, sometimes fierce loving, I ached pleasantly all over. My nipples were a little sore from being sucked and bitten, but the sensation only reminded me of how amazing it’d felt to have been brought to an orgasm by just the sucking alone. Well, the sucking and the pressure of his hard thigh between my legs. The memory of that made me tingle even more. “Don’t want to. Snuggle up to me.”
I felt the curve of his lips against my neck as he smiled. “No, I have a surprise for you.”
“I have a surprise for you too,” I replied. “Under the covers.”
He let out of sound that was half moan, half laugh. “Keep that thought.”
Realizing he wasn’t going to allow me to continue to sleep, I flipped over on my back and peered up at him. He was already dressed in a form-fitting exercise shirt. Over the most impressive part of his body, he wore gym shorts. I pushed out my bottom lower lip in an extended pout. “I have a sad that you’re already dressed.”
“I’ve got plans.” He slapped the side of my butt, but the comforter buffeted the hit. I stretched my arms above my head. The action made my breasts lift and the covers drop, which drew Gray’s attention. I kicked the covers down a little lower, thinking to tempt him into removing his clothes.
This time the noise he made was clearly a moan. Reaching over, he lightly tongued one erect nipple and then the other but instead of reaching for his waistband, he pulled the sheet up over my breasts. “Can’t think very well with those beauties staring at me.”
“We don’t have to do any thinking today.” I patted the bed.
“You don’t.” He grinned. “But you’ll be sore for a little bit and I thought you might enjoy this activity I had planned.
“What could be better than last night?” I said unthinkingly.
Gray’s grin grew even wider. “Best ever, huh?”
“If you aren’t going to do anything, then no, it was terrible.” I pushed off the bed and flounced off to the bathroom.
Snickering, he called after me, “Oh, I’m totally rising to the challenge.”
“WHAT ARE WE GOING TO do?” I asked after we’d climbed into the Rover.
“What do you think?”
"Sky diving?” I still wanted to do that, and I figured Gray was the perfect person to take me up and push me out of a plane.
"That's not really very dangerous," he scoffed.
"It looks dangerous. Will liked it."
"Everything Will liked was dangerous?"
"It seemed that way."
"Like you?"
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I'm very dangerous."
Gray reached over and tucked a piece of hair behind my neck. "The fact that you don't know makes you all the more lethal.”
Embarrassed, I looked out the windshield. "I once got sick on a Ferris wheel."
Gray leaned against the corner of the car door and seat, settling in. "I can't wait to hear this."
"Our senior year, Will and a bunch of us went to Six Flags for senior skip day. We rode the Ferris wheel at the end of the day and the park looked beautiful at night." I swiped some stray hairs out of my eyes. "Will was anxious to leave for Basic. The closer it got to graduation and his leaving, the more frustrated he was. He and his friend, Trevor, started throwing a ball at each other. Trevor and his girlfriend were in the car in front of us. When our car was resting on the top, Will started crawling out of the car. He said he wanted to stand up on the rail. The operator saw him and started screaming at us. I begged Will to get inside and he did. When we got off the Ferris wheel, I threw up. I think it was from fear.”
A sweatshirt landed on my lap. I hadn’t even realized I was shivering. I could have just turned down the air conditioning but at the next stop light, I slipped it on and was immediately surrounded by the soft cotton and the smell—the spicy, ocean smell I’d come to associate with Gray. He directed me east of town toward the large expanse of land that was a farm back in the day but now held a small but functional airfield. Off in the distance I could see the major city airport. I swung into the small parking lot but made no move to get out of the Rover.
“Um, really?” I’d talked a big game about wanting to do this but now faced with the prospects I was frightened.
"If you don't want to go up, we won't," Gray said.
“But I did want to do something adventurous…” I leaned forward and looked at the small plane with the large side doors. Could I really jump out of it?
"Not all daring things occur up in the air. We could go whitewater rafting. Maybe play paintball. We could take a motorcycle out on the track." Gray shook my arm to get my attention. "You tell me what you want to do."
"I want to go up," I said truthfully.
"Okay, but if you feel uneasy at any time, let me know. I don't want to do things that scare you." I glanced at his fingers, which circled my wrist. I loved his hands. There were callouses on the palm and white scar marks on the backs. When I looked at them I felt safe, and when he put them on me, I felt excited. Those were good hands.
"I'll tell you if I'm scared,” I said quietly.
He gave me a sideways smile, the one where only the left corner of his mouth rose. I was beginning to recognize that it meant he was not quite ready to tell me something but if I waited long enough it’d come out. We were getting to know each other in a lot of ways and that was about as scary and exciting as jumping out of a plane. When we were walking from the parking lot to the office, Gray’s hand caught mine and he didn’t let it go even after we’d signed our releases. We sat in the waiting room for the pilot and other jumpers to arrive. The plane could hold eight parachuters and there would be five today. Gray and me, an instructor named Jerry and two experienced jumpers.