He rubbed her back, but didn’t say anything.
She said, “We had a family celebration that night on my birthday. He came into my bedroom later when I was changing into my pajamas. He told me not to say anything. When I tried to leave, he slapped me, and filled my head with threats of how he would hurt me, hurt my brother, and destroy my family. And I believed him.” With tears in her eyes, she looked up at Hazel. “I believed him.”
“You’re not at fault. Do you hear me?” Taylor was mad, infuriated. “I don’t know what they’ve done to you since, but they’ve fucked with your head. You’re not to blame, Jude. He was a psycho pedophile.”
Her throat staggered over a deep breath, and she said, “Every time they would visit, he would get more aggressive. I knew what was coming next. I knew he would rape me. I watched him over dinner. I saw how much he was drinking. I saw him watching me, how he looked at me. I knew.”
Taylor looked around, not wanting this to play out on a dirty city street. “Let’s go around the corner.” She walked, her head against his bicep with his arm around her. They rounded the corner to a tree-lined street and went to a stoop and sat. He sat one step down and looked up at her. “What happened?”
She spoke as if she couldn’t wait to get it off her chest and out of her heart. “I stopped talking to my brother. I ignored the friends I had. I had nightmares of him sneaking in and… I felt ashamed of what I looked like. My breasts had to be to blame. They were tempting him. I was responsible for him doing that. If only I didn’t look like this things would have been different.”
His heart hurt so badly that he didn’t want to speak. He couldn’t say anything that would help her, or heal her. Instead of words, he held her, hoping that would suffice.
“I went to my parents’ medicine cabinet and took twenty-eight pills from two different prescriptions. I didn’t even know what they were. I just knew I didn’t want to exist anymore.” Her shoulders hunched down, her body closed in on itself. “When I woke up at the hospital a day later they were so happy to see me.” She laughed humorlessly. “And then my parents told me I owed my life to my uncle since he was the one who found me.” She let that hang in the air between them.
It was clear what happened, but Taylor still voiced it. “That bastard found you because he had come into your room to violate you.”
With a grin, she said sarcastically, “But I now owed my life to him. Oh the irony.”
“If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him.”
Jude had never heard that tone from her Hazel. He had always been kind even when he’d been angry with her that night at the Stevens’s. So when he said that, she believed him. “My brother walked into my bedroom one night to show me his acceptance letter to NYU. It was his dream school. He wanted to be a movie director. He was always filming us when we were younger. He made some amazing short films in high school and even won an award for one.”
“Jude?”
She had disappeared into memories for a minute, but was back, and exhaled. “He saw me pinned. My uncle had his hand over my mouth…”
“You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to.”
“My brother walked in and saw my uncle touching himself over my body while I cried.”
Taylor stood up, not able to sit still. She watched him, as if the fury couldn’t be contained. He kept his back to her as he paced. Then, he turned around and squatted down with his head bent forward. She expected to see sympathy.
She expected that.
But she got anger, eyes that blazed in a way that almost scared her—almost. Looking at her watch, she wanted to calm him, to comfort him. “Time’s up for today, Dr. Barrett.”
“Don’t make jokes.” He was serious.
She smiled, attempting to laugh, but unable to. “Jokes are exactly what we need. Know any?”
Rolling his head to the side, he shook it. “I’m fresh out.”
Trying to downplay the whole thing, she said, “That’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. You can make me laugh then.”
“I’m not leaving you. I can’t, knowing this.”
They both stood up. She then went to him and wrapped her arms around his middle to give him the comfort he always gave her so effortlessly. “But I can’t stay.” She looked up, and gave what she thought was a reassuring smile. “I’ll be okay. I just need to go. Like you do before you’re even later.”
“What can I do for you, Jude? Tell me and I’ll do it.”
“You’re doing it already.”
VALENTINE’S DAY FELL on a regular Thursday. Hazel showed up to the park a few minutes late. Jude wasn’t worried, but she hated they didn’t have more time. When she looked up from her book, he stood there with a pink rose in his hand, and she said, “I didn’t think we would do gifts.”
He waggled his eyebrows. “It reminded me of you. Anyway, it didn’t cost much so don’t worry about it.”
As she took it from him, he sat down. With the flower to her nose, she closed her eyes and smelled. “Thank you.”
“This reminded me of you, too.” He held out a small box.
She knew it was jewelry just from the square shape of it. “No, I can’t take that.” She bit her lip and glanced between the box and him.
“Yes, you can, Jude. I bought it. You take. You open it. You say how much you love it and then you wear it. See? It’s that easy.”
A smile finally surfaced. “I used to love surprises.”
“Maybe you’ll like this one then.”
Bumping him with her elbow, she laughed. “Maybe. Guess we’ll see,” she teased. She had no doubt she would love it. It was from him, so that was already guaranteed, but she also had no idea what it would be.
Taking the small box in hand, she lifted the top and pulled out the little velvet box. Her breath stopped when she lifted the hinged lid and saw a ring.
“I know it’s presumptuous to give you a ring, or maybe a terrible idea that I had one late night when I was lying in bed alone when all I wanted was to be lying there with you. But I liked it and…” His eyes met hers. “I hope you’ll keep it, even if you don’t wear it.”
She took the delicate band of diamonds from the case and held it between her fingers. “Hazel, I can’t keep this.”
“There’s a necklace. One you can wear it on so no one knows, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
A million thoughts ran through her head, pros and cons of a gift of this magnitude, of this sentiment. But looking at him and then at the ring, the answer was obvious. Her heart spoke through racing heartbeats straight to his, and she slipped it on her finger.
He admired it on her. “A perfect fit.”
Yes, you are, my love, she wanted to say, but didn’t. For now.
Turning to him, she placed her hands on his face and kissed him. As their lips came together, winter took its last walk around the park and spring had announced its arrival through a warm breeze. When she looked at him, the cold had returned, but her body stayed warm cloaked in his love.
Jude leaned her head on his shoulder, and stared out. “Thank you.”
He nodded. “You’re welcome.”
When she sat up again, she said, “Hazel?”
“Yes?”
“My family can’t know about us. They’d never let us be.”
“You’re twenty-two, Jude, not twelve. They can’t stop me from seeing you.”
“They can.” She stared down at the sparkling ring wrapped around her finger, much like he had her wrapped around his. He just didn’t know it yet. “They think I’m crazy.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been in and out of an asylum they call a recovery center at least fourteen times over the last two years.”