‘Everything all right?’ I asked.
Astrid turned away from me. ‘I’ll tell you later,’ she said.
‘If there’s anything…’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes, thanks.’
But I saw the money in her hands.
Chapter Forty-one
Maybe it could be all right. Maybe I could get what I had wanted, after all. I had to keep calm, that was the main thing. Very calm. Not a single wrong move. I was scared to open my mouth in case I said something that would trip me up, and I had to force myself to meet anyone’s gaze because I thought they’d be able to see the thoughts that were swarming in my head. I could barely smile or grimace without worrying that it would be my undoing. It was hard to breathe steadily. Footsteps on the stairs made me giddy. Coming to get me. Knock on the door, hand on the shoulder. No solid ground under my feet. No clear view in front of me. But if I could grope my way through the darkness, if I could only keep my balance, I could still get out of this mess.
I had done all this, killed all these women – no, that wasn’t me, not the real me; it wasn’t my fault, just a stupid accident – and each time come away empty-handed. But now Astrid had all that money. I had seen her go upstairs with it. Twenty thousand pounds in cash. Astrid was in my way and Astrid had the money. My head still hurt, but it also felt as if there was an itch inside it that I couldn’t get at. Get rid of Astrid, take the money. But everything was the wrong way round now, because at any minute the police would descend on the house and they’d find the stuff in Miles’s room and I couldn’t blame another death on him, could I, not if he was in the police station? Shit, shit, shit. Why hadn’t I thought of that? Find another person as well. Owen. That was it. Serve him right. Get him out of the way. Me and Astrid in Brazil. But even through the wild duststorm of my thoughts I could see that it would be pushing it to try to find another fall-guy as well as Miles. Two killers in one house. No. It wouldn’t do.
Chaos in my mind; chaos in the house. People were packing and crying. Dario was bumping a large cardboard box down the stairs and talking to himself. Pippa was throwing clothes out of her door, until the threshold of her room was strewn with them. I opened my window and pushed my head outside, and I could hear voices filtering towards me from Owen’s room. Astrid was in there. She really shouldn’t do that: it only made me angrier. I couldn’t hear everything, only fragments of their talk. Something about leaving. Something about photographs. Photographs. I strained to make out more. Their voices dropped, then rose again. Something about Pippa. That was good. However much time passed, Pippa would always be there, that first lie in the relationship.
The photograph. I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand and swallowed hard. He was going to the police with the photograph, that was it. Everything closing in. I couldn’t breathe. No air left for me. Had to keep calm. Now their voices dropped again. A low murmur. I couldn’t make out the words. Silence. Were they kissing? Touching? Fucking? Were they? Who cared? It didn’t really matter any more. That was all going to come to an end.
Melanie came into the room carrying a mug of tea. Kind, sweet Melanie, sweet enough to make me gag. A look of womanly concern on her face, but she was happy now, I could tell that. She sat beside me on the bed and I buried my face on her shoulder because if I saw her expression of sympathetic tenderness I would have to hit her to make it go away.
‘Here, my love, drink this.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Everyone’s in shock.’
I muttered something. My mind was whirling. Astrid. Money. Brazil. I wanted the money. Anyone would want the money. That was it. She was everyone’s target now. Yes. The hiss in my head subsided, like static being gradually tuned out. Stir up the mud, I thought. Stir up the fear. Make sure everyone else felt the confusion and terror I was feeling now.
‘Come on,’ I said, jumping up from the bed and taking Melanie’s hand.
‘What?’
‘Let’s go downstairs.’
‘But I made you a cup of tea.’
‘I can’t just sit here.’
I pulled her downstairs, meeting Dario coming up. I nodded at him. ‘The police will be here soon,’ I said in a whisper. ‘You’d better be ready. They’ll take your room apart, you know.’
His eyes widened and he stared wildly at me, then ran up the stairs.
Melanie and I went into the kitchen and I sat her at the table. I could hear Miles weeping in his room. Yes, mate, weep. You don’t get it yet.
‘Mel,’ I said loudly.
‘Yes?’
‘Do you understand why I’m so upset?’
‘Of course,’ she said excitedly. ‘You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t shocked by what’s happened. Leah practically lived in this house. And in spite of everyone’s difficulties, she was so full of -’
‘No,’ I said, cutting into her drivel. ‘I mean, do you understand?’
I could hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Just from their light swiftness, I knew it was Astrid.
‘Don’t you get it yet, Mel?’ I continued even louder. ‘They think it’s one of us.’
I heard Astrid come to a halt outside the door. That’s right, my girl. You stay there and listen, the way I want you to. Call yourself free? Nobody’s free. They’re all part of a plan.
‘And that’s not all,’ I went on, over Mel’s wail of protest. ‘That’s why Owen’s packing his bag. That’s why Dario’s running round like a headless chicken. That’s why Miles was throwing up in the bathroom and putting those letters from Leah into the garbage before he’s marched off to the police station. That’s why Astrid looks completely distraught.’
When Astrid finally entered, Mel had her fingers in her ears like a toddler, blocking out what she couldn’t bear to hear. I smiled sadly at Astrid. I was the reluctant truth-teller, the loyal good friend. I was the one who saw what no one else could bear to look at.
The police arrived like an army, some in plain clothes and some in uniform, carrying bags and cameras. My hands weren’t steady so I put an arm round Melanie. My heart pounded so hard that it hurt in my chest. I could feel beads of sweat prickling my forehead and points of light jabbed behind my eyes. It was hard to make sense of the sounds around me, separate them out into words.
‘Could you show us your room, sir?’
He was talking to me. I made myself look at the face that loomed towards me. I nodded gravely. ‘Of course.’
I led him up the stairs, and his footsteps fell heavily behind me. Was I about to find out that I had made some terrible mistake?
‘Here,’ I said. My voice sounded quite natural.
‘Thank you.’
‘I – er – I’ll wait downstairs, shall I? I’m not sure how this kind of thing works.’
A hint of a smile on his stiff face. I left him and went into the kitchen. Astrid was outside with Kamsky. They were standing by her vegetable garden and she was looking up at him with the expression of frankness I knew so well. I watched her. I went on watching her as a police officer strode past me and pushed his way out into the garden. He almost ran towards them. When Kamsky stepped forward to join him, I could see his face tensing. He turned back to Astrid and said something to her, then left her there. For several moments, she didn’t move, but she put her hand against her heart as if it was hurting her. Then she walked towards the kitchen and when she lifted her head her gaze went right through me. As if I wasn’t there at all.
If you can get through a door just as it’s banging shut. If you can find the one gap in the fast-moving traffic and make it to the other side. If you can time it just right. Too soon and you’ll expose yourself. Too late and you’ll be trapped. One moment. I had to get it right.
When the police interviewed me, I could tell they weren’t really interested in me. They didn’t fire questions at me and try to trip me up. They just wanted to know stupidly easy things like my movements yesterday morning. Who had I seen in the house when I returned from my shopping expedition for Melanie? Now, let me think. Hmm. Well, I’d seen Miles. That’s right. Miles. I’d thought it strange that he wasn’t at work. What did he say? Ah, let me think: yes, he had said he knew Leah was going back to her house to get something. I was certain, yes. Was he upset? Oh, yes, Officer, he was very nervous and jumpy indeed. And that was before he heard about Leah’s death? Oh, yes, Officer, even before that he was noticeably agitated. But – sudden frown – why are you asking me that? Surely you can’t think it was Miles? Yes, Officer, I’m afraid Miles had argued with Leah. Absolutely. Yes, I don’t want to betray house confidences, but he seemed obsessed with Astrid.