She still didn’t know what to tell David, if anything. He may have cared for her, but as Kate told her sister, he wasn’t ready for this kind of relationship. What was he going to do? Marry her? She was too old to trap a guy into marriage, and David would end up miserable.
Although, she did think he’d be a good dad. He loved kids, and he’d talked about the work he did with youth hockey programs and with Children’s Hospital in the city. She also knew all there was to know about his nieces and nephew, whom he was seeing at Christmas. He was like a kid himself, describing the toys he bought for them.
Without a doubt, he’d be a wonderful father, and at that moment Kate felt a little guilty for not telling him.
“Thinking about Hockey Boy?” Trish was finally waking up.
Kate grinned. “How did you know?”
Trish laughed. “I’ve been here for less than twenty-four hours and every time you get that dopey look on your face, he’s on your mind.”
“Great.” That was all Kate needed. She was hoping to be a little less transparent.
“Kate, are you sure you shouldn’t tell him?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t want to saddle him with this. If I was worth it, he’d have fought a little harder for me.”
“I don’t think that’s fair.”
“I can do this on my own, Trish. Like I said, I don’t want to trap him. And…” She hesitated, knowing this was the most important part. “I don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t love me.”
Kate glanced over when she slowed the car to a stop at a light. Trish was taking in all she said. Right or wrong, this was the most independent she had been in her entire life.
“I Googled him,” her sister said. “I can see why you’d think that boy would be a heap of trouble.”
“Yeah… and?” Kate was wondering what her sister had found out. The good and the bad, no doubt.
“Is he as good looking as his pictures?”
Kate smiled. “Better.”
“Damn,” Trish said. Kate laughed and Trish continued. “So, was it all the women?”
That question cut to the heart of it all. “Pretty much. I guess my own insecurity played a part in why I didn’t want to pursue it.”
“He wanted to pursue it?”
Kate nodded. “But it wouldn’t last. How could it?”
“Oh, no, it couldn’t possibly last.” Trish’s voice was laden with sarcasm. “You need to have more faith.”
Kate was trying to process everything Trish said to her over the past day so, including her latest jab, so she could respond. Yes, she was insecure, and she’d been impulsive, but with the baby to consider, she had to pull back. Kate turned into the parking garage at the hospital and found a space.
Before they got out of the car, Kate turned and faced her sister. “Trish, I need you to understand where I’m coming from.”
Trish nodded, ready to listen. “Shoot.”
Kate was doing all she could to keep the tears from welling up. Whenever she talked about David she tended to cry, and she couldn’t spend the rest of her life bawling every time his name was mentioned. “David is probably as perfect a man as you’d ever find. He’s handsome, smart, gentle, a wonderful lover, and he’s successful.”
“I hear a big ‘but’ coming…”
Kate nodded. “Where women are concerned, he has the attention span of a Golden Retriever.”
Trish laughed even though the whole situation was so sad. “Oh, Katie. I’m sorry.”
“God help me, I’m in love with him. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is the possibility of being left again.”
“Why do you think he’d leave?”
Kate felt her lip tremble as the faced her fear straight on. “Why…” She took a breath, trying to stem the tears. “Why would he stay?”
It was Trish’s turn to be thoughtful. She tilted her head and took hold of Kate’s hand. “If I could castrate that stinking ex-husband of yours, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Not every man is Richard. From the sound of it, David may have real feelings for you.”
Kate dropped her head and couldn’t respond. It was too much to hope for.
“So the question, little sis, has nothing to do with Hockey Boy. It’s whether or not you want that rat bastard ex of yours to have that much power over you. Are you going to allow him to keep taking up space in your head?” Trish opened the car door, and before climbing out she simply said, “Think about it.”
Kate hesitated, then got out of the car herself. Trish might be right, but Kate already had too much to think about.
*
The Maternal-Fetal Health specialist worked out of a practice two blocks from the hospital and the waiting area was still quiet, which was why Kate picked an early appointment. She’d rather fight rush hour traffic than wait in a crowded doctor’s office.
It was a little nerve wracking, actually, sitting there, filling out forms. Some of the questions should have had very simple answers, but of course, Kate’s life made the answers more complicated. She answered the questions correctly, like a good girl, but God, did she want to tell the truth.
When was your last menstrual period? Who knows, I’ve been too worried about my nervous breakdown. Method of contraception? The kind that failed? STD screening? Had one when I learned my rat bastard ex-husband was cheating. She liked Trish’s description of Richard. She’d use it again. Social history: Are you: Married? Single? Divorced? Engaged? Divorced and alone. She had space to write the name of her significant other, but Kate left it blank. There was a space for the name of the baby’s father and Kate left that blank as well. She didn’t want questions or complications. Finally, she had to answer a question about whether there had been abuse in the household at any point. Kate got brave on this one. She answered Yes. Admitting she was an abused woman was a step, wasn’t it? Trish was looking over her shoulder and even she raised an eyebrow.
Kate brought the completed forms to the desk and sat down with her sister. She looked around. The waiting room was filling up, and she looked like all the other women there. For all her problems, no one could tell she was going to do this alone. Kate pulled her journal from her bag and jotted some thoughts. Her book was taking shape and she only had another hundred or so pages to write.
She glanced around the room and bit her lip. Sitting across from her was a woman reading Past Lives. Seeing people reading her books became a more common occurrence, and it made Kate feel good about her work and herself. She liked knowing she gave people a break from real life. That was what books were supposed to do, right? The woman had a beautiful blonde girl with her who might have been five years old. Kate remembered when Laura was that age, and it made her wonder how life would be with this baby.
“Mommy? Look.”
Kate instinctively looked up and saw the little girl was staring at her, then examining the back cover of the book and pointing. Kate shook her head, not wanting to be recognized. Even a little attention embarrassed her.
“What is it, honey?” The woman smiled kindly at her child.
And of course, the little munchkin gave her up. “It’s the lady on your book.”
Her mother looked at the back of the book, looked at Kate, and smiled. “Oh! Oh, it is.”
“Busted,” Trish said.
The woman was grinning, dumbstruck, and so Kate smiled back and gave a little wave.
The woman gushed. “I just love your books. They keep me up at night.”
“In a good way, I hope,” Kate said. “You’re enjoying the new one?”
She smiled and nodded. “It’s amazing. But when are Elliot and Josh finally going to get together?”
Kate shrugged. It was a question she heard all the time. Women wanted to know when Elliot and her on-again/off-again boyfriend, Navy Commander Josh Gavin were going to make it permanent. It made her smile. Her readers loved the action in her books, the intrigue, but some people loved the love story.