What’s more, it’s been my experience that many people who enter Tantra through the door marked sex stick around to explore deeper aspects of Tantric philosophy and practices. And if you simply apply Tantric sex techniques — such as mindfulness, embodiment, slowing down, breathing more fully, and being more present — to everyday life, your life will improve immeasurably.
TANTRA CAN BE PRACTICED BY ANY AND ALL GENDERS. The myth that Tantra is an exclusively heterosexual couples’ practice has kept more LGBTQ+ people out of Tantra than any other misrepresentation of Tantra. How did this myth start? How did Shiva, the essence of consciousness, and Shakti, the essence of energy and power, become reduced to male and female, heterosexual lovers? Perhaps it’s because Tantra is able to accept and contain “All That Is,” which means not only opposite poles but everything in between the poles of good/evil, sacred/profane, higher/lower, earthly/spiritual, yin/yang, light/shadow, and male/female. In our Western society where most everything is regarded as either/or, nothing is more polarized than gender. Therefore, the Western mind reasons, if Tantra unites opposites, it must require “opposite” genders (as if there were such a thing as opposite genders!). Gender is not two bins into one of which everyone must be dumped. As we are now seeing, gender is more of a rainbow spectrum along which everyone can find the particular shade of the color that looks the best on them.
Today most people recognize that Tantra can be practiced by anyone with anyone. I’m proud to say that Urban Tantra is one of the earliest Western schools of Tantra to embrace the full range of LGBTQ+ identities. Some Tantric asanas (positions) and mudras (gestures) are designed to weave together the male and female aspects of partners in a Tantric ritual. This can be done between any two (or more) partners. Everyone has some male/masculine/yang qualities, and everyone has some female/feminine/yin qualities — and these proportions can and often do change daily. Bringing our male and female qualities together and balancing them before making love is not an exercise about gender but rather an act of inner balancing and centering that helps us open ourselves to deeper intimacy.
TANTRA IS NOT COUPLES THERAPY, NOR IS IT EXCLUSIVELY FOR PRIVILEGED, WHITE, MIDDLE-AGED, MIDDLE CLASS, APOLITICAL, WOO-WOO, NEW AGE WORKSHOP JUNKIES. Tantra — and particularly Urban Tantra — is practiced in an infinite variety of styles by a wide variety of people. Contrary to popular notion, Tantra is primarily concerned with inner mystical experiences, spiritual growth, and personal empowerment, not relationships. In the twentieth century, Tantra was reintroduced in the West by a few brave sex, gender, spiritual, and political radicals who ventured to India in search of an active spirituality that would embrace and empower everyone, in all spheres of life, including the sexual and political. The practice of Tantra was once considered a supremely revolutionary act. Urban Tantra is equally revolutionary today in the face of the current cultural rise of fundamentalist sex and gender politics.
TANTRA AND BDSM HAVE A LOT MORE IN COMMON THAN YOU MAY THINK. BDSM stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (or S/M). Do you think Tantra and BDSM are about as opposite as you can get? From a stylistic point of view, it might appear that leather-clad people wielding floggers would have little or nothing in common with people wearing sarongs and stroking each other with feathers. But like most everything else in life, outward appearances and preconceived notions have little or nothing to do with the essence of an erotic or spiritual art form. You can enhance your Tantric practice by borrowing conscious sex techniques and sensation-producing devices from the world of BDSM. Similarly, you can enhance your BDSM scene with Tantric techniques designed to raise and move energy. As I mentioned in the introduction, both Tantra and BDSM are erotic arts of consciousness: both produce trance states, and transcendental, transformational experiences. Urban Tantra introduces the possibility of blending Tantra and BDSM for a richer, fuller, sexy, spiritual practice. (For more, see the sections “Using BDSM to Enhance Tantra” and “Using Tantra to Enhance BDSM” in chapter 21.)
YES, YOU CAN HAVE ORGASMS. Trust me, you can have as many orgasms as you like. If you are a man, you may appreciate that you will be able to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating, which means you can fuck a lot longer.
The fact is, sex is a lot more than fucking, and Tantric ecstasy offers a lot more than simple genital orgasms. Sexual energy exists well beyond your genitals. Tantric sex is a full-body/full-spirit experience. People who practice Tantra are less genitally focused. When your entire body is pulsing and vibrating with pleasure, you’re more likely to talk about the atoms in your body dancing to the rhythm of the universe than you are to describe the experience as a great fuck. You’ll no doubt find that your definition of orgasm will quickly expand to include many new ecstatic experiences.
NOT ALL TANTRA RITUALS ARE HOURS LONG. And not all Tantric experiences involve rituals — long or short. However, I will be encouraging the use of ritual in this book. Ritual has been given a really bad rap. Rituals simply focus energy. Your ritual might be brief and simple or long and wildly elaborate. In Tantra, you can create both a ritual and a ritual space that suit your style — and your schedule. And you can even apply your new Urban Tantric skills to enhance your pleasure during quickies. (For more, see the “Conscious Quickies” section in chapter 7.)
YOU DO NOT NEED A PARTNER TO PRACTICE TANTRA. You already have a partner: yourself. Solo Tantra offers endless opportunities for sexual and spiritual growth. Many Tantric techniques are meant to be practiced alone, while most techniques intended for partners can easily be adapted for one. In a solo practice, you can proceed at your own pace and focus completely on yourself. You may feel as if you are making love to the whole universe. Your solo rituals can become as important to you and as indispensable in your life as a meditation practice or an exercise routine.
If you are single and looking for a partner, these practices can help you attract someone with whom you will truly resonate by enabling you to recognize your true feelings, needs, and desires. In Tantra, you will also learn to speak your feelings and desires safely and with love.
You do not need to be in a long-term, committed relationship to do Tantra with another person. Tantra practitioners in the original Hindu Tantric rite were probably strangers prior to the ritual. They achieved Tantric intimacy by using breath, intention, and movement. So can you. Urban Tantra will provide you with many excellent exercises to get to know someone better and will help intimacy grow in any relationship — new or established.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STUDY FOR YEARS WITH A GURU TO PRACTICE URBAN TANTRA. Sometimes I think there are just two kinds of people in the world: those who want to be right and those who want to be happy. It is impossible to satisfy people who want to be right unless you give them exactly what they want, exactly the way they want it. On the other hand, it is very easy to satisfy people who want to be happy. They are flexible, open to new ideas, and they don’t have a fixed idea as to the way happiness “must” be achieved. The more creative the path to happiness, the better they like it. Does this sound like you now — or the way you would like to be? If so, you’ll love Urban Tantra.
I have deliberately synthesized Urban Tantra as a practice that allows you to adapt its techniques and rituals to fit your body, your needs, and your sexual and spiritual preferences.