Oh shit, she was asking me on a date. Think, Grayson.
“Just as friends, if you like.”
Think fucking fast.
She shrugged her purse strap up her arm, and all I could think about was the way Addison did the same thing with her backpack.
“I was actually just about to go and visit my father.”
That wasn’t a lie. I was about to go and visit him until Addison had asked me to meet her instead.
“Oh,” Helene replied, and I could tell she thought I was lying.
Well, maybe I could go and see dad today before I drove over to Oakwood.
“I didn’t know you had family here.”
“Yeah,” was my brilliant response. God, snap the fuck out of it. “He’s the reason I moved back. He’s not very well.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that,” she offered and stepped closer, reaching out to comfort me. Why did I feel nothing with her? Life would be so much easier if I did. I looked down at her hand on my arm and then back to her face.
“If you need someone to talk to…”
“Okay.”
She gave a tight grin. “Because you’re so talkative.”
I chuckled. “I’m sorry. I guess my mind’s somewhere else.”
She moved past me but at the last moment stopped and asked, “Oh, do you need me to come with you in the morning to report Addy?”
Just like that, the tight fist around my heart returned. I turned to face her and wondered what she was thinking, but it was clear—she’d seen everything.
The fight, me talking with Addison, and finally, me letting Addison leave without repercussion—so why the pretense? Why the invite to dinner?
“Sure. I figured it would be easier for everyone to deal with in the morning.” When did I turn into such a fucking liar? “Especially after the incident with Brandon. I let Addison know we’d be dealing with it tomorrow.”
There was a moment of silence, and I swore it felt more like ten minutes than ten seconds.
“How’d she take it?” Helene asked.
“Not well.”
“That’s going to mess with her track practice.”
“Yeah. I bet.”
She shrugged. “Oh well. She knows the rules. Doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could bend them. You know?”
I couldn’t even formulate an answer. I was too busy thinking back to my conversation with Addison and trying to remember if I’d done anything inappropriate. No, I didn’t think so.
I hadn’t touched her like I wanted. I’d made sure to touch the car.
“It’s such a shame, she’s really let me down. Not to mention her parents. They’ll be terribly upset if she can’t compete at State.”
She seemed to reflect on that thought for a moment, and I wondered if she was also disappointed because Addison hadn’t lived up to whatever expectations she had placed on her. “Well, I’ll let you go so you can visit your father.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
Helene made her way to the car, and as she opened the door and looked back to where I was standing, she called out, “I’ll see you in the morning at Principal Thomas’s office. How’s seven forty-five?”
Faking a smile, I returned, “Perfect!”
As she shut the door, I let out my first real breath since she’d approached and thought of how to tell Addison she was getting suspended. I knew what would happen when her parents found out and the hell she would pay.
Perfect? Not even close. No, try a fucking disaster waiting to happen.
Chapter Twenty-One
Past…
I pulled into the parking lot of the hospice facility and sat silently, watching as a nurse wheeled an older lady through the front door.
People came here for one thing: to leave the world behind. Is that why I was here now? To leave my current world behind?
To lose myself in this emotional crisis where I had no control, so I wouldn’t have to face the horrible choices I was otherwise making?
Resting my head back on the seat, I closed my eyes. I told myself that an hour here wouldn’t make a difference in when I could see her, and then I remembered the way Addison had looked at me before she’d got into her car.
For the first time, she’d appeared defeated.
Climbing out of the truck, I slammed the door shut and stormed toward the entrance with misdirected anger. I was furious, and as I walked through the front doors, I felt my annoyance brewing.
If it hadn’t been for my father getting sick, I wouldn’t be back here in the first place. If he’d bothered to tell me earlier, I could have gotten to him sooner, had him cared for, and never…never what? Moved back to Denver? Gotten a job at the local high school?
Met Addison?
Stopping outside his room, I leaned against the wall and scrubbed a hand over my face.
Look at me, trying to find someone to blame. Way to man up.
It wasn’t my father’s fault I’d decided to fuck up my life. That was mine and mine alone. It was about time I owned it.
“Oh, Mr. McKendrick. Someone finally got ahold of you.”
Pushing off the wall, I turned to see my father’s nurse. I shook my head, uncomfortable that I’d been caught in a moment of disgusted self-reflection.
“No, I’m sorry. I just came by after work.”
“Oh,” she acknowledged.
As she touched my arm, her eyes conveyed a sympathy that was only ever borne from death. My stomach knotted, and I knew—he was gone.
“When?”
“Around ten minutes ago. We tried to reach you, but…”
But…I’d been lingering at the school, watching over Addison.
I’d missed him by minutes…mere minutes.
“Okay,” I mumbled, not able to say anything else.
“I’m sorry. I realize this must be a shock when you thought you were coming here to visit.”
It was a shock. I’d been furious at my father only seconds ago and now? Now he was dead.
“Yes,” I managed to utter. I still couldn’t wrap my brain around what she was telling me.
“It was peaceful. He was sleeping when he passed.”
Peaceful.
He was at peace, and me—I was in some kind of hell.
“Can I see him? Have you moved—?”
“No,” she interrupted gently. “He’s still in there.”
She turned the door handle to his room and pushed it open a crack.
“Is there someone I can call for you?”
Brushing past her, I saw the lone bed over by the window.
“No. There’s no one.”
“Okay. Then take your time and let me know when you’re ready.”
Without looking back, I walked over to where my father lay. The room was suffocating in its silence, and as I got closer, I noticed that someone had opened the window. I knew some believed that by opening the window, you freed the soul. I wondered if it had freed his.
I sat down beside the bed and took his hand. It was cool to the touch and when I leaned down over it, I felt a tear escape.
I’d come home to Denver to say good-bye and somehow managed to fuck that up too. Jesus, my sense of purpose had gone to shit.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized as my body shook. “God. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I’d let this man down in every way. Not only did I manage to break every moral rule he’d instilled in me, I’d let him down when he needed me the most.
Fuck, I don’t deserve any kind of happiness.