‘So let me do the running, and keep Pagan as backup for me and as an extra shooter. I’m faster than him anyway.’ She turned to look at Pagan. ‘I’m sorry but I am.’
‘You mean you’re better than me,’ he said. Morag didn’t answer.
‘Look. Doing a run in combat is different-’ I began.
‘Actually it’s not,’ Pagan said. ‘Once you’re in the net you’re in. Doesn’t matter what’s going on in the real world, you get hit, you get hit.’ Morag grinned triumphantly. I glared at Pagan.
‘Look, Morag,’ Mudge said. ‘You’re good at what you do, real good, but you’ve never seen combat. You don’t know how you’ll react. You may freeze up. It’s not just your life on the line; you could get us killed as well. When I first saw combat I used to piss myself all the time and shake like a leaf for several hours after.’
‘You’ve stopped doing that?’ I asked Mudge. "Cause I was little worried that you might drown in your Wraith.’ Mudge gave me the finger and then considered what I’d said.
‘It’s a possibility,’ he finally allowed and then turned to Morag. ‘Look, darling. I don’t doubt you could do this given time, and I’d happily walk into a firelight with you, or at least as happily as I’d walk into any firefight, but this is just a bad job to learn on.’
‘She won’t freeze up. I’m happy to stake my life on it,’ Rannu said. I felt anger surge through me.
‘You are. What you don’t have the right to do is stake mine and everyone else’s here on it,’ I snapped at him. I was furious that he was encouraging Morag.
‘If we’re talking about dropping people from the mission, what about you?’ Rannu asked quietly. I felt like he’d punched me again.
‘What are you talking about? I’m one of the most experienced soldiers here and I’ve done breaches before. Not to mention I was piloting Wraiths before you lost your virginity, sunshine.’ I was trying not to shout.
‘You piss blood this morning?’ Rannu asked. I stopped. I felt cold, and he was right, I had.
‘He’s right,’ Mudge said. ‘You’re pretty much being kept upright by drugs and the metal and the plastic in your body.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I snapped.
‘So will she,’ Balor said. I was astounded. I turned on Balor and Rannu.
‘You guys know better!’ They didn’t say anything. ‘You know what this will be like and you know you can’t do it-’
‘Without training and experience,’ Morag said sarcastically. I turned to her.
‘Do you really think I’m just saying this to be a cunt?’ I demanded. ‘Fine. You want to go? How about this? Let’s say you manage to pilot a Wraith adequately, let’s say you don’t freeze up and get the rest of us killed, you ready to kill someone else?’ I was shouting now. ‘Because I’ll tell you: the men and women we’ll be shooting at and who’ll be trying to shoot us, they won’t be bad people. They’ll be just like us, probably nice people just trying to make a go of it, do the best they can. The kind of people you could happily go for a pint with if we weren’t so busy trying to kill each other. Instead you’ll see their faces for a very long time, and then, worse, they’ll all begin to look the same to you. So you tell me, you ready to kill?’ She looked up at me. I could see the resolve – her face may as well have been made of stone.
‘I’m ready to do what’s necessary,’ she said and believed it. ‘I think what’s down there is important.’
‘The kinship you feel for Gregor isn’t real; it’s Ambassador playing tricks on you,’ I told her. She looked like I’d just slapped her. She opened her mouth to retort.
‘She’s right,’ Pagan said sadly from behind me. I turned to look at him. ‘She’s better than me. She should do the run. I’ll act as another shooter and watch her when she’s tranced and provide backup in the net if it’s needed.’ At that moment he looked like a beaten man. Desperately I looked to Buck and Gibby, who just shrugged. After all, they had the easiest part of the job.
‘You all going to die anyway,’ Buck said.
‘She doesn’t even have boosted reflexes,’ I said, pretty much as a last-ditch objection.
‘Yes, I do,’ she said. I swung back to look at her.
‘When did this happen?’ I demanded.
‘A week ago, when we started prep,’ she said.
‘Are they integrated?’ I asked.
‘Yes.’ It was Rannu who answered. For a moment I was speechless.
‘Do you know what you’re doing to yourself?’ I asked her, shaking my head.
‘Jakob,’ she said softly, ‘it’s none of your business.’ It had gone very quiet in the room. I could feel everyone looking at the pair of us. ‘And I’m going,’ she said with finality.
Just a little drug deal first, then I started looking for Morag. I finally found her in what looked to be an old function room on the upper floors of the Empire State Building. It had long fallen into ruin but somehow much of the wood panelling had survived. You could still see some of the fading art-deco patterns on it. More surprisingly the chandelier still hung from the ceiling. Most of its crystals were long gone but those that remained reflected the light from outside.
She was sitting on the window ledge oblivious to the drop. Ironically, for an ex-Para I’d never really liked heights despite the fact I’d done several orbital low-opening drops in my time. Much of New York was dark at night because it was uninhabited, but central Manhattan was lit up in all sorts of garish colours, huge spotlights stabbing up into the cloudy night sky. Morag was unintentionally dramatic, framed by the huge window with no glass in it, her loose-fitting clothes blown by the wind as she looked out over the city.
I walked over to the window but stayed several feet back from it and lit up a cigarette. She glanced up at me.
‘You going to tell me this is dangerous?’ she asked.
‘I’m assuming you know that. Question is are you doing it for effect?’ Irritation passed over her face and she turned back to the view.
‘I’m doing it because I like it here.’
‘Can you see why I said the things I said?’ I asked her.
‘Because you feel you have some kind of proprietary relationship to me. Though you’d probably describe it as caring.’
‘Proprietary relationship?’ I enquired, grinning.
‘Talking to Mudge too much recently,’ she said. I couldn’t see her face but I was pretty sure she was smiling too.
‘Yeah? I’m surprised you’re not using fuck as a comma rather than words like proprietary.’
‘Oh, I think he just talks like that for the benefit of all his soldier friends,’ she said. We lapsed into silence for a while, both looking out over the city. I tried to ignore the feelings of nausea, fatigue and weakness that washed over me.
‘Morag, I’m sorry, really sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said.
I know it’s not true. I was just freaked out and scared.’ It was pretty much the fullest apology I’d ever given. She let out a short, bitter laugh.
‘Well I guess you need the training and the experience to handle a lover with an alien in her headware,’ she said, still not looking at me. I didn’t really know what to say to that. I realised that this was all new to her as well and probably a lot scarier as she was experiencing it all directly, but she was finding a way to cope and I’d freaked out. She turned to look at me.
‘You had a dream,’ she said. ‘You acted like a bastard because you had a dream, that was all.’
‘You know it wasn’t a dream, or maybe it was but it was the truth as well. But you’re right and I’m sorry,’ I said again.
‘I accept your apology but I need you to stay away from me,’ she said and turned away. Maybe I was imagining her tears.
‘So what now? Rannu? Balor? Mudge?’ It was almost an instinct to say something stupid and hurtful. The words were out before I’d thought them through. Morag swung off the window and stood in front of me. Blinked-back tears turned to anger now.