“I know everything about you,” he said. “I’ve seen your fears and your dreams. I’ve seen your quirks. I know you cover your mouth with your hand when you chew your food. I know you always tie the left shoe before the right. I know how you play with your hair when you’re nervous. I know what makes you laugh and what makes you cry. I know how your body curls into mine when we sleep. I know how to make you whimper with need and how to make your body sing with joy. I know all the important things.” He stroked her cheek, his touch more gentle now, but no less desperate. “And the rest I can learn. You’re not my crutch, Kate. You’re my hope.”
Oh, Jesus, keep me strong. The tears broke free and he took turns wiping and kissing them away. She wanted to believe him, to believe their love wasn’t sick.
Rock bottom. Her words came back to haunt her. She hated rock fucking bottom.
Who was she kidding? Their affair was doomed from the start. She should never have set foot inside Liam’s office. She’d seen his tattered heart and had wanted to put it back together. He’d glimpsed her bruised soul and had hidden her away. She’d felt like Cinderella with him, but really she was no better than a two-bit Rapunzel, locked away in a tower.
They enabled each other. Their love was like a Vegas casino, bright and lively on the outside, but cloaked in darkness, heedless of time and responsibility. They’d reveled in each other, forgetting the outside world, rather than learning how to function in it.
They couldn’t really love each other unless they learned to stand on their own first. She needed to let him go and stop hiding. She needed to hurt him.
Hopefully it wouldn’t kill her in the process.
“We’re not good for each other, Liam. I can’t be with you.” She waved her hand, indicating the walls of his casino. “This was never the life I wanted. I lost track of my values. I can’t stay. I’ll never be able to separate you from what you do. Every meal we eat, I’ll see it as coming out of someone else’s pocket. Every dollar you spend on me, I’ll see it as draining some poor kid’s college fund.”
“Kate, don’t do this.”
“You think I want to? I can’t look at you and not see Vice. And no matter how much soul-searching I do, I won’t be able to stop it.” When he moved to brush away her fresh tears, she pushed his hand aside and wiped them herself. “It’s time for me to go home.”
His face drained. “I won’t be able… I can’t function without you.”
“I know, but I think we both need to learn how.”
He played with her pinky finger, as if holding onto whatever he could. “What about Vaughan?”
“I’ll manage. I did before.” She pulled her hand out of his. “Goodbye, Liam.”
He didn’t answer, but grew paler. She turned and sprinted for the taxi bay before she flew to him, trying to take everything back. She didn’t have any of her things, only her purse. The rest she’d ask for later. She couldn’t go into his suite to collect them now, or she’d never come out again.
The taxi driver opened the back door and she got inside, barely managing to give the man her address. The driver closed the door and she sat still, waiting for him to start the engine. She didn’t look at Liam, but expected him to run up to the car and bang on the window.
He didn’t.
As the driver pulled away, she gave into temptation and turned to look for him.
Like a dream upon waking, he’d already disappeared.
Chapter Fifteen
Kate smiled at the woman auditioning her for the chorus girl job, hoping it looked sincere. She handed her a copy of her headshot and resume, taking a moment to smooth out a wrinkled corner first.
“Do you dance?”
“I’m afraid not.”
She raised an eyebrow and then eyeballed her chest. “Comfortable with nudity?”
“Oh. Um, I was told this job involved no nudity, just singing.”
“Yeah, they told you wrong. All our girls are topless, but no hoo-hah. It’s expected.” The woman shrugged, no doubt used to seeing this reaction. “So, you willing to unleash the hounds?”
Shit. This was the fifth audition in the three days since she’d left Liam. And in all of them, the requirements had been the same: show us your tits. Sometimes she thought she lived in bloody Sodom and Gomorrah.
She remembered what Liam said about showgirl acts being demeaning to women. She certainly felt demeaned. One audition after another, and no producer was interested in her voice, just her cup size. They didn’t even care that she couldn’t dance, as long as her hooters were hanging out. Any talent beyond that was considered a bonus.
It was enough to make her seek out a nice, boring call center job somewhere, selling aluminum siding or steak knives.
Rock bottom. Rock bottom. This was just one small part of her journey. She would rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
If she could leave Liam standing there alone, ripping out her own heart in the process, she could get through a few embarrassing auditions.
“Look,” Kate said, eyeing the faded upholstery and trying to ignore the foul smell emanating from the kitchen. “You have a supper club in the middle of a vibrant city. Not every joint in Vegas needs to provide a strip tease. I have talent and drive. Maybe we could talk about trying a new act.” She smiled, willing her positive vibes all over the producer.
The older woman just shook her head and tossed the headshot back across the desk. “Sorry, sweetie. No tits, no dice. In case you hadn’t heard, sex sells.” She stood up and walked toward the audition room door. “There are plenty of girls in Vegas who are willing to take their clothes off. Some of them can even sing.”
As Kate left, she tried hard not to think of Liam’s offer to sing at Decadence. It seemed every thought led back to him. Everything she ate reminded her of the sexy breakfasts they’d shared in bed. Every breath she took recalled feeling his in her ear when they made love. Each look of indifference on another person’s face forced her to remember his, so full of passion and yearning.
She was beginning to think she hadn’t even glimpsed true rock bottom yet. Perhaps it was the difference between the ocean floor and the Marianas Trench.
What about Liam? Was he suffering without her? He’d said he loved her. As much as she wanted to believe it, did believe it, she couldn’t shake the feeling they were better off without each other.
Hadn’t she always been a loner? Her father’s addiction had lost her friends through the years, usually when he’d asked them for handouts. When her mom had taken her own life, Kate had been virtually alone in the world. As sad as her upbringing had been, she’d tried to rise above it, to be an independent woman.
Hiding away with Liam, she’d been on the verge of losing that independence. It had been so nice—no, so wonderful—having him cater to her. But under his roof, she’d become something less than herself. She couldn’t lose sight of that.
It was the only thing stopping her from racing back to Vice and burrowing herself into his embrace.
As soon as she walked out of the dingy club, the sun hit her square in the eye, making her squint. She put on a pair of shades and walked to the nearest bus stop.
And still she thought of him.
The hardest part of walking away had been realizing she never told him she loved him, too. And she did.
She knew it in the quiet moments, when the loneliness hung so heavily on her soul it felt like a tumor. She knew it at daybreak when his arms no longer wrapped around her, making her a willing prisoner to his voice, his touch, his very breath.
Unable to tolerate the lights of the Strip, she’d stayed away from it as much as possible. Luckily her auditions had been in out-of-the-way locations. Not that it mattered. Wherever she went, his image still haunted her. Every suit, every flash of navy blue silk, every man who bore the slightest resemblance gave her a lump in her throat. And every second bus stop she passed carried a poster advertising Vice. She couldn’t escape him. She didn’t want to.