“But there is so much to learn!” I cried.
“Of course there is,” retorted Lehzen. “We all go on learning all our lives.”
“What a dreadful prospect!” I cried. At which she laughed and said that there was little to be compared with the joy of learning.
I wanted to dispute that and say that I knew of many more pleasant things, but Lehzen brought forth her favorite argument. “You are too young to know. In time you will realize.”
And as I was young I could not really say this was not so. But I used to long to escape from the schoolroom. Then I would find Feodore and during the lovely summer days we would go into the gardens where I liked to water the plants. I had a very special watering can and I loved to watch the water spray out so prettily. I used to get my feet wet and Feodore would smuggle me in and Baroness Spath—whom I loved dearly because she was quite indiscreet and very kind—would put me into dry stockings, shoes, and gown, and there would be the added excitement because neither Mama nor Lehzen must know. That was imperative because if they did, the watering would be forbidden.
We often went into my Uncle Sussex's garden and I watered his plants. He had apartments like ours in the Palace and although he was a very odd gentleman—like most of the uncles—he was a very kind one. When I was little I had been frightened of him because when I had screamed on one occasion, someone had said, “Be quiet or your Uncle Sussex will get you.” I suppose it was said because his apartments were near ours. And for a long time after that I regarded him with suspicion until I discovered him to be the last person who would complain, and in any case he would have been too absorbed in his books, his birds, and his music to be aware of my tantrums. But then I had been scared of all the paternal uncles until I came to know them—with the exception of Uncle Cumberland who really did strike terror into me, and I believe not without cause.
However, there we were on those lovely summer days with the Baroness Spath—always so much less stern than Lehzen—in the gardens at Kensington—slipping into that of Uncle Sussex, Feodore with a book, I with the watering can, and Spath sitting on the grass beside Feodore watching me and now and then calling out a warning that I was pouring water onto my feet.
I was so happy smelling the lavender, listening to the hum of bees, hidden away from the windows of our apartments in the Palace.
Every time we were in Uncle Sussex's garden a young man would come to join us. He was Cousin Augustus, son of Uncle Sussex by his first marriage. Cousin Augustus was very handsome in his dragoon's uniform and he liked very much to sit beside Feodore and talk to her and Spath while I did the watering.
It was very pleasant for they laughed a good deal and old Spath sat there nodding and smiling as she did when she was pleased. Such happy afternoons they were and then suddenly they ended; and we were not to go into Uncle Sussex's garden again.
Spath was in disgrace; so was Feodore. I found her crying one day and I begged her to tell me what was wrong.
“Augustus and I had planned to marry,” she said.
“Oh, that will be lovely,” I cried. “You would live so close and I could come and water your garden every day.”
Feodore shook her head. “Mama is very angry. I am going to be sent away.”
“Oh no, Feddie…You mustn't go away!”
She nodded miserably and the sight of her tears set me weeping with her.
“Mama is blaming poor Spath. She may be sent away, too.”
Feodore, in her abject misery, was more communicative than she would otherwise have been.
“Augustus is not considered suitable.”
I was beginning to know something of these matters and I demanded, “Why not? He is my cousin.”
“Well yes, but you see, although the Duke married Lady Augusta Murray, because she was not royal, the marriage was not considered to be a true one and therefore they say that dear Augustus is not legitimate. So I can't marry him.”
“It is so unfair,” I said. “It would have been lovely.”
“I know, little sister. But they won't allow it.”
“Uncle Sussex wouldn't mind.”
“Oh no. He only cares about his books and his clocks, and his bullfinches and canaries. He wouldn't mind. But Mama says we have behaved disgracefully. Oh not you…you are not blamed. It is poor old Spath and I.”
I was right to be concerned. Very soon Feodore came to me, very quiet and sad, and told me that she was going to Germany to pay a visit to our grandmother.
I was desolate and could not be comforted. Poor old Spath went about hanging her head in shame; and Lehzen took up a very superior attitude toward her.
I hugged Spath when we were alone and said, “Never mind. We were all very happy in the gardens. It wasn't your fault about Augustus not being right for Feodore. How were you to know? He is so handsome.”
At which Spath held me tightly and said that her greatest fear was that she should be taken away from me, which I thought very gratifying and which consoled me a little.
I overheard Spath and Lehzen talking together once and although I knew it was very wrong to listen to people when they did not know you were present, I couldn't help doing so because they were talking about Feodore. They talked in an odd sort of language when together. They would have preferred to speak in German but Mama had forbidden German to be spoken because I must speak English as my native tongue. There must be no trace of a German accent in my speech. That was very important. And although I learned German, it must be a secondary language. The English did not like royal people to speak English with a foreign accent. So dear Spath and Lehzen managed very well usually in English but when they were excited—particularly Spath—the odd German word or phrase would be thrown in.
Now they were talking about Feodore.
“There will be die Berlobung …” That was Spath.
“A betrothal,” corrected Lehzen sternly. “I think that is certain. Her grandmother, the Duchess, will see to that.”
“Poor dear little Feodore…they were so happy.”
“You should have reported what was going on.”
“Ach… wunderbar … the two…so young…Lieben …”
“Baroness Spath, English please.”
“I forget. I am so unhappy. The Duchess blames me. I should have spoken. But they were so happy…”
“And you carried notes from one to the other! Oh, Baroness, you have behaved completely without discretion.”
“Sometimes… for love…it happens.”
“And Victoria was there!”
“Dear innocent child…so happy watering the plants.”
“And getting her feet wet.”
“I always made sure she changed her wet things.”
Spath began to whisper and I could not hear so well but I did gather that they were talking about my brother Charles.
Then I realized that I was eavesdropping, which was a very illmannered thing to do; and if I were caught I should be severely scolded, so I slipped away. I went to the dolls and explained to them that sometimes in the interest of knowledge it was necessary to listen to what was not intended for one's ears.
I thought Lady Jane Grey looked at me rather sadly as though she deplored my frailty. I shook her a little. Some people were too good.
Feodore would be leaving soon to stay with our grandmother in SaxeCoburg. She was very sad, but looked just as pretty melancholy as she did happy. She talked a little more freely than normally. I suppose because she was going away. She was a little resentful toward Mama, for she believed that, but for Mama, she might have married the handsome Augustus. His father would not have minded, but there was every reason why Mama and our Uncle Leopold should object.