It’d been years since I last took out the knife. I’d pulled myself together, hadn’t I? There was nothing driving me to hurt myself now. And if I was scared to shivers about data tumor, surely I could find a more comforting talisman to hold than razor-sharp steel. Something I could sleep with under my pillow and not worry about accidentally nicking a vein.
I sat naked on the edge of my bed and slowly laid the back of the blade onto my bare thigh — not the sharp side, just the back. That was all right, wasn’t it? That was only goofing around.
A link-seed means you can’t lie to yourself.
I found my eyes filling with tears as I thought, "It was supposed to be all better now. I’ve fixed everything, I’ve passed mushor, I shouldn’t still be crazy."
Gradually, the cold scalpel warmed to the heat of my skin. After a while, I couldn’t feel it anymore — light, thin metal, matching my body temperature… as if it still knew the trick of becoming part of me, after all these years.
Eventually I managed to put the scalpel away, without ever touching the sharp edge to my flesh. But I couldn’t bring myself to stash it back in its dark, hard-to-reach hiding place at the rear of my closet. The poor knife would be so lonely back there.
I put it in my purse.
The time came for me to stop hiding mopey at home and get out to work: on City Council docket 11-28, "A Bill to Improve Water-Treatment Facilities in Bonaventure." Mine to scrutinize. Honest-to-God legislation placed in the fear-damp hands of Faye H. Smallwood, Proctor-Probationary.
"Probationary" meant I had an advisor peering over my shoulder through the scrutiny process: a sober, uncleish Oolom named Chappalar. When I first started my studies for the Vigil, Chappalar had struck me as bashful near humans, always half a step back and matching the color of the walls. He windled around town on foot rather than gliding because it bothered him to be the only flying figure in the sky. Each time before a global election, he petitioned the Vigil for transfer to anywhere with more Ooloms… and each time after, he put on a brave face when he found himself reposted to Bonaventure.
Lately though, Chappalar had perked up something considerable. Office gossip said he’d been seen sashaying with a silver-haired Homo sap woman, variously described as quiet, chatty, or somewhere in between. Translation: no one had actually talked to her; people had just spied from a distance and invented stories to suit their own tastes.
The usual naysayers tried to stir up a fuss about "mixed relationships," but no one paid attention. Humans and Divian sub-breeds had been doing the dance ever since our races made contact centuries ago. Ever since… well, it’s queer to picture the League of Peoples as matchmaking yentas, but after our wave of humans left Earth in the twenty-first century, every alien race we encountered said, "Ooo, you’ve just got to meet the Divians. You have so much in common!"
The Divians lived nowhere near Homo sap space — the closest planet of the Divian Spread lay hundreds of parsecs from New Earth. But continuous nudges from other League members pushed us out for what amounted to a set-up blind date: first contact on the moon of an ice giant halfway between our home systems.
And surprise, surprise, we hit it off.
Our two species are precious close to each other in basic anatomy, intelligence level, evolutionary history… light-years closer than any other species we’ve encountered in the League. Yes, Divians change colors and have ears like grapefruit nailed to their heads; but when they and Homo saps got together, it wasn’t like meeting aliens. More like tagging up with someone from the far side of your own planet — quaint accent and a bag of bewildering customs, but basically a regular joe who shares a slew of your interests.
Curiosity gets piqued. Bonds form.
As for species differences, you can prize them as exotic novelties rather than obstacles. Spice. They give you something to giggle over in the wee hours of the morning.
Understand, I’m talking about Chappalar and his friend now. Because I’m a married woman.
The gist of Bon Cty Ccl 11-28 was improving two water-treatment plants around town; ergo, to kick off our scrutiny of the bill, Chappalar and I decided to tour those plants. We also decided to tour the three plants that weren’t scheduled for upgrades… partly for comparison, and partly to make sure city council was putting money where funds were needed most. (Fact: some plant managers are more likable/persuasive/politically connected than others. Guess whose plants get financial handouts. While plants run by folks who are unpopular/undemanding/unrelated to the mayor only get significant allocations when equipment falls to pieces. Or when the Vigil gets loud and cranky in council meetings.)
All of which meant that my first official act as proctor was a tour of Pump Station 3, just beyond the petting zoo on the edge of Cabot Park.
It was the butt end of winter in Bonaventure. Snow still sat in sodden clumps on the ground, but you could feel the kiss of spring in the air: a licky toddler’s kiss that smeared your skin wet with condensation. The city’s first thaw of the year. No one was fooled by it — Great St. Caspian winters never surrendered graciously — but give or take a few more bitch-slapping blizzards, greener times were on their way.
My stroll from home followed the shore of Coal Smear Creek, where park staff had just posted thin ice signs: those red-and-black ones with sensors that trigger sirens if someone steps off the bank. You need such precautions in Cabot Park; all winter, kids use the frozen creek for hockey or figure skating (Oolom kids for ice-sailing), and they hate to quit as long as the surface looks solid. Even with the signs, one or two dunces take a through-the-ice soaker every year… as Lynn’s son Leo could attest. Except that Leo never breathes a word about what happened. It’s Lynn herself who tells the story every time Leo brings a girl home.
Anyway. Picture a gray winter morning, with mist in the hollows, and moist air that doesn’t feel cold even if it’s only three degrees above freezing. The thaw has begun, trickling along the cement walkways and dripping out of the trees. Life is stirring from hibernation, and even a woman with poison ivy in her brain can let herself loosen up.
I remember the snowstriders that morning — white birds running across the top of the drifts. Every few seconds, they’d plunge their beaks through the crust and pull out frostfly cocoons to gobble. Like all native Demoth birds, they had no real feathers; instead they were coated in downy clouds of fuzz, giving them the look of ankle-high dust balls with small snowshoed feet.
Suddenly, the striders scree-scree-screeched and took to their wings; they’d spotted a looming shadow floating above the snowscape. Hoar falcon? Kite-manta?
Without a sound, Chappalar landed on the path beside me. Out for an early-morning glide. All by himself. And he had the air of a man who’d be wearing a huge smile, if he were the sort of man who wore huge smiles.
"Good morning, Proctor Faye," he said. "Lovely day." Like most older Ooloms, he’d learned English from braingrab lessons originally coded on New Earth. It gave him a la-di-dah mainstream accent that always sounded snooty to my MaryMarch ears.
"Good morning yourself, you," I told him. "You’re looking like the cat that went down on the canary. Pleasant night, was it? You slept well? In good company?"
His outer ear sheaths flicked closed in a split second, then inched back open — the Oolom equivalent of a blush. "Se holo leejemm," he muttered. You hear too much. "Sometimes I find humans disturbingly intuitive."