“So that’s your elusive mother?” he asked.
I nodded, my head turned away from him as I watched the landscape pass us by on the highway back toward my place.
“Were she and your dad married?”
I shook my head. “My dad was smarter than that. They stayed together a while for my sake, but they realized I’d be better off with the two of them apart.”
“No offense to you, but your dad seems too good for her.”
“No shit. And no offense taken. She’s a handful. Always has been, which is why I prefer keeping her out of my life whenever possible.”
We were quiet as we drove back home. When we got there, Parker set to researching for the wedding in my home office while I sat in my chair in my family room and called Carla back.
Parker gave me privacy even though I hadn’t asked for it—just another example of him knowing exactly what I needed. This one wouldn’t quite be like the joke of a conversation I’d had with my mom.
“Hello?” Carla’s voice was familiar, but the warmth was all gone out of it. Her simple greeting was filled with remorse and regret.
“Hi Carla. It’s Roxanna Price.”
I heard a sob break through the silence on the other end.
She didn’t speak, so a moment of awkwardness followed.
“I’m…uh…just returning your call,” I stammered.
More silence, and then finally she managed, “Thank you.”
“Would you like to meet for coffee?” I asked, not sure what to say.
“That would be nice.” Her voice broke as she spoke.
“Have you—” I started to ask if she’d planned a date for Damien’s funeral, but I cut myself off.
It was all so surreal.
Damien was dead.
I was aware of that, and I thought I’d already dealt with it, but it came and hit me from out of nowhere.
Tears filled my eyes as I listened to the quiet keening of Damien’s mother, a woman who had lost her only child far too early.
She took a deep breath. “Let’s meet at the Starbucks on Olympic. Four o’clock?” she asked.
“Okay. See you then.”
I glanced at the clock on my phone when I ended the call. I had two hours to kill.
Hours to kill.
To kill.
Hours were meant for killing.
A mosquito when you see it on your arm.
A spider in the closet.
Not a twenty-three-year-old man in the prime of his life.
The simple thought caused the tears I’d been holding back while I spoke with Damien’s mother to cascade down my cheeks.
Parker emerged from the office and stood in the hallway that led from my family room to the office and my bedroom.
He was hesitant. Unsure.
Parker was confident. Always. Seeing him hesitate in my hallway, not quite sure what to do to help me, tore at my heart.
I didn’t want him to feel anxious. I wanted to comfort him, even though I was the one crying.
I leapt from my seat and ran to him. He braced himself as I crashed into him, finally letting the avalanche of tears free.
I needed to let it out. My dad had always told me that there was more room on the outside, and maybe for the first time, I understood what he meant.
“Are you meeting with her?” he asked, rubbing my back in soothing circles until the tears subsided. I drew in as much air as my lungs could take as I tried to calm myself.
I nodded.
“You want me to come with you?”
I shrugged, and I felt his lips press to my forehead.
“I’m coming with you.” He was back in control. I liked him there.
I wasn’t a weak woman by any means. I’d suffered alone and I’d come out on the other end of it stronger.
But I did depend on the man I was going to marry to help me feel whole. And in that moment, he knew what I needed more than I did. And that just made me fall even more in love with him.
nineteen
I was worthless until four o’clock rolled around. Parker asked me wedding questions, but I was too nervous and distracted to answer them. I couldn’t make decisions when I knew that Damien’s mom was getting ready to meet me. I didn’t know what she wanted to talk about, and I was starting to allow my insecurities to take over again. Did she blame me for her son’s death? Did she want revenge? It was ridiculous to think that she was somehow working with Randy considering he had to have been the one who had killed her son, yet the random thought worked its way into my head.
If she wanted revenge, surely she wouldn’t have chosen a public place to meet me.
I walked into Starbucks with Parker trailing close behind me. Bruno followed us in and stood by the door as usual.
I glanced around and found her sitting in a quiet corner. Four o’clock wasn’t the height of action at a coffee shop, so we had relative privacy. When she saw me, she fidgeted. It was odd seeing Damien’s mother fidgety. She’d always been composed and formal, but I supposed losing your only child could change things.
She was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt.
I’d never seen her in anything other than some sort of professional dress. Whether I had seen her at one of her restaurants or at home, she was always impeccably dressed.
She stood and the two of us shared a quick hug. She glanced beyond me at Parker.
“This is Parker,” I said by way of introduction. “We’re getting married.”
A flash of momentary shock flashed across her visage. She didn’t try to hide it.
“Congratulations,” she said dryly.
I thanked her and sat as Parker went to place our coffee order.
I’m sorry for your loss seemed inappropriate again, but I was starting to learn that there really wasn’t anything else to say.
Carla took a deep breath. “Thank you for coming here. I just wanted to meet with you in person to talk about something.”
I nodded, encouraging her to continue.
I watched as tears filled her eyes. “God, it’s not supposed to be like this. You know? Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children.”
“You’re right. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know how to handle this.”
“No one does, Roxanna. It’s hell. It’s a horrible situation no matter how you look at it.”
I nodded. Parker joined us as he waited for our drinks.
“We’re having a memorial on Thursday. I hope you can make it.” She pushed a card across the table toward me. Martins Funeral Home was splayed in gaudy lettering across the top. Under the title was the address and phone number. Someone had filled in Damien’s name along with the date and time on the lines provided under the business information.
God.
This fucking card made it all so real again.
I stared down at it for a moment, and then Carla interrupted my silent grief.
“Damien mailed a package to us a few months ago. Inside of it was this box.” She paused as she handed a small box over to me. “He included a note inside that said to give this to you if anything ever happened to him. It was like he knew.” Her voice broke at the end.
“To me?”
She nodded as I took the package. It was light. The top of the box simply said “ROXANNA” in thick black marker. I recognized Damien’s penmanship immediately.
I felt his presence as I held the one remaining thing I would ever have from him.
That surreal feeling lanced through me again. This couldn’t really be happening.
Yet it was.
“Okay. Well thank you.” I had nothing else to say.
“I also wanted to thank you.”
“Thank me? What for?”
“For everything you did for Damien. He loved you. You made him happy for a long time.”
“He made me happy, too.” She didn’t need to know that I hadn’t realized true happiness until I’d found Parker. Those details seemed best left out given the situation.
I saw Parker twitch beside me. This couldn’t be easy for him, but he was handling it well.