It’s just about the time when you ought to have been there. Sitting a few yards from him, fiddling with your fingers in search of your absent wedding ring, some valid association that would earn you a good grade. And he would be in his usual place, absorbed in contemplation of the wall behind you. His mitts would be resting on his stomach while he meditated on a cooking recipe or a crossword problem, waiting for you to show yourself worthy of his profession by agreeing to give up your defensive maneuvers in order to become. .
Become what, exactly.
A subject. One day he’d said subject.
You’d replied verb, direct object.
He’d said you’re avoiding it.
What?
The subject.
Subject. You don’t understand what that means. You consult the mermaid, she has nothing to say on the matter and neither do you. You had a husband, a job, a child, obligations that piled up from morning till night. The slightest moment of your existence was ruled by necessity, and you could clearly see that it was the same for everyone else, from the receptionists to the CEO of the Biron Concrete Company, from your mother to the babysitter. You had no idea what could be wrong with such well-oiled systems, you were a completely normal person until you were pressured to become who knows what, and now here’s the variety store manager interrupting your tête-à-tête with the mermaid.
He wants to know if you’re going to buy it (five euros). You were not aware that it isn’t good form to try something out before buying it and you tell him so quite readily — and a trifle brusquely — but still, you leave the store with the slippers you’d noticed in the window. They’re two big balls of synthetic fur, like a pair of very soft hedgehogs.
At the end of Rue Louis-Blanc, the Sri Lankans give way to a more cosmopolitan population, offering black-market cigarettes or staked out in the middle of the boulevard with their hot-chestnut carts. Musing over these chestnuts, you decide they are a far cry from the ones sold in front of the big department stores on Boulevard Haussmann when you were still a real bourgeoise, shuttling between two plush arrondissements of Paris, in blessed ignorance of this rundown eastern part of the city.
You cross the boulevard, hesitate between the railroad overpass to the right, which would take you back home, and the Gare du Nord bridge to the left, leading toward Barbès-Rochechouart. From there you would make for the 18th arrondissement (subtropical population, street stalls overflowing with inexpensive accessories) or the 9th arrondissement to the south, with its elegant citizens and boutiques dedicated to this enclave of socioprofessional advantage. All this means making choices. An infinity of microdecisions, each presenting major implications. You are in no position to make choices. You are a slave to necessity, a position that suits you quite well, you have never asked for any other.
Across from you is a modest park where poor children and drug dealers take the air. You push open the gate, sit down on a bench in the sun and, taking the slippers from their bag, slip your hands inside them, where they get quietly warm.
You were nice and warm in the shrink’s armchair, too. That was three years ago, when you landed there essentially by chance. As usual, you were on your way to work. You still lived in your first solo apartment, Rue Pradier, métro station Pyrénées, which meant you took the 11 line to République, then the 9 to Saint-Philippe-du-Roule. You were neither happy nor unhappy to be going to Biron Concrete: you never asked yourself the question. You had an excellent position in a big company, in charge of all public and in-house promotional activities, brochures, partnership materials, sponsorships, patronage. Your boss had complete confidence in you, you’d made connections throughout the building industry, and you used them. At cocktail parties or seminars, you didn’t shy away from chatting up some design engineer. This would play out in one of the hotel rooms reserved for the event and the next morning, you’d both arrive at the nine o’clock meeting all mussed-looking and wink at each other across the conference room. Such behavior was stupid and immature but still, it was fun to rattle your audience and it would also reawaken the interest of Jean-Paul Biron, who over time tended to confuse you with the office furniture.
So: you’d just gotten off the 11 line at République when the tiled walls of the underground corridor suddenly riveted your attention. And then you couldn’t see anything anymore except the horizontal ceramic tiles blocking your horizon. You walked up the steps taking passengers to the main correspondence corridor, also accessed by passengers from three other lines. You went with the flow of the crowd, advancing blindly, listening to the roaring in your arteries that drowned out the noise all around you. You reached the croissant shop at the corner where the 9 joins the main passageway. Smelling the nauseating aroma of fast-food croissants, you took a deep breath of this artificial Viennese pastry in an attempt to surface from the depths. When it was your turn, the young vendor in his ridiculous fast-food uniform said yes, madame, what will you have, madame? The other customers began to grow impatient. They were in a hurry to get to work and wasting time, and it took nerve not to know what you want at a croissant shop at nine in the morning, a lady behind you made that thought crystal clear. You looked at her in the hope that a catfight would revive your survival instinct but you didn’t see her, all you could see were tiles.
Then the vendor said, so, madame, a croissant, a pain au chocolat, perhaps, are you sure you’re all right, madame, because if not I’ll call security, no point in causing a panic like this, people have to get to work. You looked at him in supplication with your blind eyes. You would have loved to say a single word of reassurance, to assert that you knew perfectly who you were, where you were going, and what you wanted in the way of Viennese pastry, but your jaw no longer worked. Your lips opened onto a wall of white tiles, and the young man said right, I’m calling for assistance.
Feeling slightly guilty, the lady behind you led you over to the wall and told you to breathe deeply while awaiting help, it will pass, believe me, I’m a social worker, it always goes away. You were able to say thank you and she turned back toward the onlookers with a look of triumph that said I told you so. Then the rescue services of the fire brigade arrived. They asked you the usual questions to which you replied listlessly, they patted you on the shoulder, repeating what the lady had said, that you were simply overtired, that they were going to take you to the emergency room as a precaution and that you’d be back in shape to go to work that afternoon. You replied the same thing that everyone says in such circumstances, no, not the emergency room, and they gently insisted, because what’s the point of putting on a big show unless you’re going to go there. The doctors will get you back on your feet, believe us, said the firemen, who always say us.
They helped you out of the métro and into their van to go to the hospital, where you did not feel too proud of yourself. You were thirty-nine, had a good position, no reason to complain, and you couldn’t begin to fathom this moment of weakness that already seemed far behind you. But you intended to consult a specialist, since they said it would be advisable. And that’s how you wound up seeing the doctor.
The plaque at the entrance to his building specifically says doctor. The patient therefore expects to be seen by the classic health professional sitting at a large desk graced with a pen stand, an emerald-green opaline glass lamp, and a prescription pad.