Jill brushed crumbs off her singlet.
'You've lost some weight, hon,' her mother tried again, 'and that usually happens when you're not coping.'
Jill sighed. Opening up about her feelings felt like trying to pry open an oyster shell barehanded, but she'd learned over the years that she usually felt better after she'd spoken to someone.
'It's a case, Mum,' Jill said, putting the toast down onto her plate and picking up her glass of iced coffee. She became aware of her body posture – she had squashed her knees up against her chest and she held the glass like a shield between herself and her mother. She forced herself to uncoil a little. 'It's brought the memories up a bit.'
Her mother took a sip of her drink, waited.
'The case itself is pretty rough,' Jill continued, 'but I don't know… it feels like more than that. I feel like something bad's going to happen.'
'Like getting your ribs broken,' said her mother dryly.
'My ribs are okay, Mum. Just a training accident. I told you.' Jill lied again. She stretched her neck from side to side, and looked at the marmalade sky ahead of her. The birds were a concert-hall choir. 'It's just that there are kids involved in the case. You know those jobs are harder for me, but they're also why I joined up.'
'I'm very proud of what you do, Jill, but it's hard on you getting these reminders all the time.'
'I keep getting the nightmare of the girl with the white eyes. It's like she's calling me, or warning me, or something.'
'Have you thought about having a bit more counselling? Who was that woman you saw through work a couple of years ago? You said that really helped.'
Jill gave a wry smile; her mother was suggesting that Mercy Merris help her deal with this case. Jill felt Mercy's help with the case would not be through providing counselling for her.
'You wouldn't believe it, Mum. I've seen that doctor recently, and she looks like she could use more help than me.'
'Oh dear. That's another difficult job,' her mother sighed. 'Good morning, darling,' she called, as little Lily came through the kitchen doorway, rubbing her eyes. 'Looks like the troops are going to start arriving,' she said to Jill. 'We can talk more while we're cooking. I'm so glad you're staying.'
30
Wayne Crabbeleft the club about 1 a.m. and let himself into his half of the townhouse in Leichhardt. He couldn't wait to spend some time with the files he'd just traded. The boy in the last one looked about six. He slid his hand up the wall to flick on the light switch.
'Fuck.' A frenetic blur in the doorway near him. A punch slammed into his gut. He felt slow, strangely disconnected from everything.
Wayne's hand missed the light switch again as he slipped on something wet on the floor. What the fuck was going on here? Suddenly he was looking up. Someone's shoe filled the right of his peripheral vision. He felt, rather than saw, a person standing over him, everything blurry.
'Let me get up. I'll get money for you,' he said.
Wayne Crabbe screamed for the first time since he was ten when a boot kicked in most of his front teeth. Punches rained down into his body and he curled, like a slug doused in lemon juice.
Fuck, he thought, trying to stand, slipping again in the wet stuff.
'Stop,' he managed around broken teeth, and heard his attacker laughing, or maybe crying.
The blows continued onto his back, neck. He felt the weight behind them, but little pain. He raised a hand limply to try to defend himself, and felt a knife slice through the web of his thumb. When blood rushed up from his stomach and filled his lungs, mouth and nose, it occurred to him that he was being stabbed, not punched.
This wasn't how tonight was supposed to go, he thought, as he drowned in his own blood in the front hall.
31
On the train back to the city, Jill felt a growing sense of gloom with every station that flashed by. The weekend had been great, but already the peaceful feeling of the past two days was calcifying in her chest. She'd never felt so conflicted about a case before. Each time she applied her mind to discovering the identity of the killer, she felt guilty. Such an outcome could mean more child molesters left alive. Of course, she had no way of knowing that the murderer would kill again. Maybe all the scores had been settled.
Her eyes roamed the carriage. A huddle of high school kids, speaking in a language all their own, laughed intimately, secure in the belief that they knew more about the real world than the boring adults around them. The girls saw her staring and bent their heads together, whispering. Their giggles split the air. Jill turned her face to the window and thought about what Honey and Mia would have been like at their age. Maybe there'd have been no discernible difference – even kids living in hell could seem confident and happy when with their friends.
She hadn't talked to Honey since the club, and she realised that she kind of missed her. When had that happened? Mixed in with mistrust and wariness was respect for the girl who'd brought herself up through more adversity than most. Jill had also been experiencing a strange perceptual illusion with many people lately, and this had happened with Honey – she found that when she stared into some faces she could see through their adult features as though seeing the face of the child they had once been. It immediately endeared them to her, and it was hard to stay angry with someone after she'd imagined them this way.
What's happening to me? she wondered. Am I getting clucky? She'd been told about the maternal urge that could belt a woman over the head at about her age, and she'd been on the lookout for it for a couple of years. She'd once had a hard-arsed trainer at the police academy who'd been happily married for three years – until she turned thirty-four, and suddenly needed to be pregnant. The trainer had told her husband she wanted to have a baby, and had learned that he'd been growing increasingly disinclined to have children at all. Within twelve months, the woman had divorced and remarried, the intervening year spent like a heat-seeking missile, searching for a mate with whom she could procreate. Jill still saw the woman from time to time when she attended a training course. She had three children now, and was working part-time, fitting her job in around canteen duty.
Jill knew that it was the children involved in this case who kept her compelled to solve it. It was more like two cases really – the dead men could open a door that led to other men like them. She imagined that door opening and spiders teeming out, a roiling black mass of scrabbling predators. She shuddered, the feeling of gloom settling closer around her shoulders, wrapping her head in a blank fog. She consciously slowed her breathing, and deliberately changed her thought patterns, considering her next moves.
There was a lot more she could learn from Honey. It was time to get back in touch. Jill flipped open the cover of her mobile phone and reached into her bag for her palm pilot, containing the names and addresses of all of her contacts.
She felt him before she saw him, and didn't look up. Eight o'clock, or to her left and slightly behind her – she was being watched. The watcher was getting ready to move, and Jill felt a cold thread of adrenalin dart through her veins. She was on her feet before he'd moved. She sized him up. Twenty or so. Thin. Her eyes locked with his and she saw his face register surprise at her movement, and his conviction crumble. He looked down, and she knew he wasn't going to be a problem. She kept her eyes on him a few beats longer to make sure, but he knew she was not the easy road to a mobile phone. He kept his eyes on his shoes; probably made her for a cop. As she stared, his features morphed into those of a five-year-old, and she shook her head. Whatwas that?
Although she no longer thought he was a threat, Jill got up and moved anyway. She made her way towards the guard's carriage. They were drawing close to Strathfield now and they'd soon be at Central. She thought about telling the guard about the guy back there, but what could she say? He hadn't done anything. Yet. She was sure someone else would be rolled for their phone before long.