She looked at the gym bag on the floor between Jodie's shoeless feet – her sneakers had been left in the bathroom in the room at the Cleo. The bag contained more money than she had ever conceived of. More than a new start. She knew she could dump the Boxster in South L.A., where it would be picked to a clean skeleton in a day. Take a cab to an auto mall in Orange County and pay cash as Jane Davis. There'd be no connection, no trace. Cross the border and take a flight from Ensenada to Mexico City. From there she could pick the destination.
"The place where the desert is ocean," she said out loud.
She put the passports back into her pocket and turned off the light. In doing so her hand hit the I-Ching coins she had hung from the mirror. Leo's good luck coins. They swung back and forth and hooked her eyes like a hypnotist's gold watch.
Finally, she pulled her eyes away and looked at her sleeping daughter. Jodie's lips were slightly parted and revealed her small white teeth. Cassie wanted to touch them. She wanted to know every part of her daughter.
She reached over and moved a strand of hair from the girl's face and hooked it behind her ear. It didn't wake her.
Cassie looked back up at the road just as the Porsche approached an overhead sign with arrows pointing out the proper lanes for all traffic heading south.
48
JODIE slowly came awake under Cassie's gentle hand. Her eyes opened and at first seemed concerned as they moved about the car. When they came to Cassie's face the concern was replaced by a look of trust. It was almost imperceptible but it was there and Cassie read it.
"You're home now, Jodie."
The girl sat up straight and looked out the window. They were driving up Lookout Mountain Road, about to pass Wonderland Elementary.
"Are my mommy and daddy there?"
"They'll be inside waiting for you. I'm sure."
Cassie reached up and unwound the string of I-Ching coins from the mirror. She handed them to the girl.
"Take these. For good luck."
The girl took the coins but the concerned look crept back into her eyes.
"Are you coming in to meet my mommy and daddy?"
"I don't think so, sweetheart."
"Well, where are you going?"
"Away. Someplace far away."
She waited. All the girl had to say was Take me with you and she would change her mind, turn the car around. But those words didn't come and she hadn't expected them.
"But I want you to remember something, Jodie. Even if you can't see me, I'm there. I'll always be watching over you. I promise."
"Okay."
"I love you."
The girl didn't say anything.
"And can you keep a secret?"
"Of course. What is it?"
They were a few blocks from the house now.
"The secret is I have somebody else to help me watch over you. All the time, even though you can't see him."
"Who is it?"
"His name is Max but you can't see him. He loves you very much, too."
She looked over and smiled at the girl, remembering her promise to herself not to cry – at least not in front of her.
"So now you have two guarding angels. That's pretty lucky for one girl to have, don't you think?"
"Guardian angels. That's what you said."
"Right. Guardian angels."
Cassie looked up and saw that they were there. Even though it was not yet five in the morning, the lights were on inside and outside the home. There were no police vehicles at the house. Only the white Volvo was in the driveway. Cassie guessed that the cops figured the last place she would turn up was at Jodie's house. She pulled to a stop next to the curb and kept it running. She immediately reached across and opened the passenger door. She knew she had to do this quickly – not because the cops might be hiding in the house. But because her decision was that close and was that fragile that in another five seconds she knew she might change her mind.
"Give me a hug, Jodie."
The girl did as instructed and for ten seconds Cassie held her so tight she thought she might be close to hurting her. She then pulled back and held her daughter's face in both hands and kissed both of her cheeks.
"You be a good girl, okay?"
Jodie started to try to pull away.
"I want to see my mommy."
Cassie nodded and let go. She watched as Jodie climbed down and ran around the picket fence and across the lawn to the well-lighted front door.
"I love you," she whispered as she watched the girl go.
The front door was unlocked. The girl opened it and went inside. Before the door was closed Cassie heard Jodie's name called out in a piercing scream of relief and joy. Cassie reached across and pulled the passenger door closed. When she straightened back up she looked over at the house and saw Jodie in the arms of the woman the girl thought was her mother. The woman was fully dressed and Cassie knew she had not slept a minute during the night. She cradled Jodie's head in the hollow of her neck, holding her as tightly as Cassie had a few moments before. In the porch light Cassie could see tears streaming down the woman's face. She also saw the woman mouth the words Thank you as she looked out at the Porsche.
Cassie nodded, though she knew that in the darkness of the car the gesture probably could not be seen. She put the car into gear, lowered the hand brake and drove away from the curb.
49
SHE cut up Laurel Canyon to Mulholland and then drove the snaking road east. At a pull-over point overlooking the Valley she watched the sun creep over the mountains to the east and flood the flats below. She put the top down on the Boxster before taking off again. The dawn's air was bone cold but it kept her awake and somehow made her feel good. Where Mulholland dipped down to the Hollywood Freeway she crossed over to the freeway entrance and started heading north.
In her mind she conjured a vision of Max in his Hawaiian shirt on the night in Tahiti when they had made life promises and, in her heart, Cassie knew that their daughter had been conceived. She remembered how they slow-danced barefoot on the beach to music crossing the inlet from the distant lights of a fancy resort. She knew what they had together was inside. All inside. It had always been that way. The place where the desert turned to ocean was the heart. And she would always have that.
By the time she hit the Ventura County line she needed to put on her sunglasses. The air was warming up and whipping her hair around her ears. She knew she had to dump the car and get another. But she couldn't stop. She believed that if she took her foot off the pedal and even slowed down for a moment everything that was behind her would catch up and overtake her. All the death and guilt would come roaring down on her in the road. All she knew was that she had to stay ahead of it.
She just drove.
