I spent the whole night stressing about whether I should actually go into work that day or just avoid it all together. And when morning arrived, the longing and urgency I’d felt the night before was overshadowed with worry. But I forced myself to go in and face Harvey. I was determined not to remain the coward Eric had made me into. I had to fight for what I wanted… and I think I wanted Harvey and the baby. I knew I did.
I stepped onto the fifth floor and pushed past the throngs of people squeezing off the lift and heading to their stations. I dumped my belongings at my desk and sneaked a glance at Harvey’s office to see if he was already there. It was empty, and I was filled with disappointment.
The glass doors flew open, and behind me Harvey’s long strides sounded; beside him Sadie’s lighter footfalls shuffled along the carpet. He went straight into his office without a glance and shut the door. Sadie nodded to me and sat at her desk.
Dread settled in my belly, but there was also something else, a familiar sensation of excitement and longing that always made itself known at the mere of sight of Harvey. But he hadn’t even said hello to me.
“What’s up with your face?” Sadie asked as she openly stared at me. “Did you do the test?” she whispered, leaning over.
I nipped at the inside flesh of my cheek and turned the other way.
“Oh come on, tell me. What’s the verdict?”
I sighed; she would get it out me sooner or later, I thought.
With a weak smile I swivelled my chair in her direction and nodded. “It’s real. I’m pregnant.”
I could tell by the glint in her eye she wanted to spring up and give me a hug and to celebrate, but she stayed rooted to her chair. “And how do we feel about it?”
“Still processing it all,” I replied.
“What does Harvey think? You did tell him, didn’t you?”
I scowled at the mention of his name. Before I could answer, his door opened and he breached our little conversation.
From across the room I glared at him, standing there, so fucking smug, as if nothing had happened, and yet I wanted to throw myself into his arms and kiss him. Out the corner of my eye I could see Sadie’s head moving from side to side, as if she were at a Wimbledon final. It seemed like we were frozen, looking at each other, and I didn’t dare to breathe. He returned my look, but there was sadness, vulnerability in his eyes. I’d always been amazed at how he could tell just by looking at me the mood I was in, or how I was feeling. But the world had shifted, and as I gazed at him, a whole room between us, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that something was wrong, that he was hiding something. He’d pushed me away last night for a reason. I didn’t know what that reason was, but it was there. He’d been holding it back this whole time—perhaps it’d been there forever—but I’d been too blinded by my own worries to see it. To see that he too was in pain, a shadow of a clinging demon, ever present, on his shoulder. And there upon him, clear as day, was a crack in his armour. He’d hid it so well.
A whole minute elapsed before I looked away, turning my face from his intense stare.
“Harvey? Did you need something?” Sadie asked cautiously.
He shook his head and started to walk through our little alcove towards the glass door. I turned my chair away from him. He held the door ajar, but before slipping through, he cleared his throat and said, “Sara, I have some news to tell you, but I have to run. I have a meeting across town, but I’ll tell you as soon as I get back, so don’t go anywhere. OK?”
I nodded, my voice a whisper as I said, “Sure.” Then he was gone again.
“Ooookay… What’s up with you two?” Sadie said.
“Nothing.”
She snorted. Obviously, I wasn’t very convincing.
“Fine,” I said. I threw up my hands and let everything out. Without any restraint, I let the words spill out in a rush, my anger and frustration increasing the more I spoke. “You want to know what happened? I’ll tell you! He came over, scared me half to death, then I told him about the baby and he bloody kissed me!”
She gasped, her mouth widening into a smile. “Did you sleep with him?”
“No! We didn’t get that bloody far, ‘cause he fucking left!”
“What? Why?”
“I don’t fucking know!”
“Bastard! But he did kiss you? What kind of kiss… Was it just a peck? Or…” she said as she wrinkled her nose.
I shook my head in amazement as I recalled how my whole body had heated up as his mouth had made contact with mine. “No, it was hot and heavy; my god Sadie, I thought I was going to die.”
Her eyes bulged. “I don’t get it, then why would he leave?”
I swallowed past the dryness of my throat. “Fuck knows. I thought I had him all figured out. Maybe he was scared ‘cause of the whole stepsister thing? Or he regretted it? I mean, come on, look at me. Why would a guy like him want me? It was probably a mistake. He probably didn’t mean to do it, and I obviously made it worse when I kissed him back… and he came to his senses.”
“Sara,” she warned gently.
But I kept on rambling, “Why would he do it, anyway? Kiss me like that, ruin our relationship, and now I don’t know if I can work for him, see him every day—”
She cut me off with a hand. Her voice was stern and had that no-nonsense tone to it. “Sara, stop being so stupid.”
“Wha—”
“Are you blind or something? Don’t you see the way he looks at you? Well, of course you don’t, because you’re too blinded by your own crazy feelings for him! Jeez, I despair with you two, honestly. And my god, woman! The way he cares for you and comes running when you need him most? You must be blind!”
“I…”
Sadie huffed in annoyance and continued to explain everything as if I were a child. “What I’m trying to say is that Harvey loves you, Sara. You can’t fake that kind of stuff! And he’ll be lost without you if you suddenly just disappear from his life.”
“No, that’s not possible,” I whispered, feeling my knees tremble. I was grateful that I’d already sat down. “Loves me? Maybe like a sister…”
“No, you idiot!” Sadie said, infuriated. “He loves you, loves you, Sara. Even a fool can make out the outline of his undying love for you from a mile away.”
“But… It could never work, Sadie.”
She rose to her feet and planted her hands upon the sides of her waist but then started wagging a pointed finger at me. “OK, then. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s been obsessed with finding the right woman, a flawless beauty who ticked all his boxes. He used to go on countless dates, Sara. He was a bit of a man-whore, let’s be honest. But he had this drive to find her, and I should know, I was the one arranging all the bloody dates. Trawling through dating sites and hooking him up with ex-uni friends… But guess what?”
“What?”
“He stopped looking, started standing them up. You wouldn’t believe the backlash I got from those women. And do you know why he stopped? Why he’s no longer letting women drape themselves all over him?”
I shook my head, not sure if I was ready to hear the answer.
“Because of you, you nonce! Four months ago everything changed.”
Sadie took a calming breath, but she wasn’t done yet. She was going to beat me over the head with it until I accepted that Harvey was in love with me. Even thinking it didn’t seem real…
“It’s because he’s been busy with you, and don’t take that the wrong way. He’s at his happiest when you’re around. He would come into the office and tell me all these things about you, and how wonderful you were and are. Sara, I don’t think he’s cared for anyone like that before, ever. You’ve changed his life by letting him into yours.”