“Then I won’t go to sleep, Barry. I will stay awake for the entire week, until I bring the criminal to justice.”
“No-one can stay awake for a whole week, chief. They’d go mad if they did.”
“Wanna bet? You just watch me.”
“Watch you go mad? I’d rather not.”
“Watch me solve the case. Just watch.”
Icarus and Johnny Boy watched as the long dark automobile drew into the car park opposite the Station Hotel. They watched as the creature that was Cormerant emerged from the automobile and strode to the left luggage lockers. They then watched as he took a key from an envelope which bore the name and address of Icarus Smith, opened one of the lockers and removed a black briefcase.
They did not, however, watch as he returned to the long dark automobile. Nor did they watch as the new chauffeur drove him away.
They did, however, feel the movement of the car.
Because they were now both in the boot.
“It’s really quite comfortable in here,” said Johnny Boy. “Better than being in the boot of that taxi.”
“I’ve known better places to be,” said Icarus. “But this seems the best way to get back inside the Ministry of Serendipity.”
“I’d like to see the look on that Cormerant’s face when he opens the briefcase,” said Johnny Boy. “He’ll be well peeved when he finds it empty.”
“It seemed the only solution. I couldn’t get to my house in time. And as we were opposite the station, it was only a matter of crossing the road and opening the locker up.”
“You’re pretty nifty with your little roll of instruments. What exactly do you plan to do when we get back inside the Ministry?”
“Learn,” said Icarus. “Learn exactly what is really going on. And then act upon that information.”
“I’m not keen to go back in there. I don’t want my little head getting squeezed by that harpy Philomena.”
“I told you, you didn’t have to come.”
“I’ll stick with you,” said Johnny Boy. “It may not be safe. But at least it’s never dull.”
“Dull,” said I, flicking channels with the old remote control.
“What exactly are you doing, chief?”
“Just watching a bit of TV. Isn’t daytime telly really dull?”
“Richard and Judy are never dull, chief. They never cease to inspire me. And there’s always Countdown of course. That Carol Vorderman’s a lovely-looking woman.”
“Oh yeah, right.” I flicked the channel and up came Carol, quills and scales and all.
“Well, who’d have thought that, chief, eh? Our lovely Carol in league with the devil.”
“Who’d have thought it, indeed.”
“But come on, chief, you can’t sit here all day watching TV.”
“Just unwinding, Barry. Why don’t you take a little nap if you’re bored?”
“Well, I wouldn’t mind, chief, thanks.”
“You just take a nap then and I’ll wake you up later when we go out.”
“Are we going somewhere nice?”
“Oh yeah,” I said, “real nice. We’re going up west to a bar where all the swells get together.”
“Smart, chief. I’ll bet you’ll cut a real dash in your old tweed jacket.”
A knock came at my office door.
“Enter,” said I with more élan than a Lotus.
A guy entered carrying a large cardboard box. “Delivery for Mr Woodchip wallpaper,” he said. “Python skin trenchcoat and fedora.”
“I’ll just take a nap then, chief.”
“I’ll wake you later,” said I.
Somewhat later, though only a bit, the long dark automobile cruised out of the secret underground tunnel and into the secret underground establishment known as the Ministry of Serendipity. Icarus and Johnny Boy heard the car’s doors open and then slam shut. They also heard the voice of the evil Cormerant. And a very grumpy voice it was.
“I think he’s opened the briefcase,” said Johnny Boy. “I wouldn’t want to be us, the next time we meet him.”
Icarus shushed the small man into silence. They waited until the sounds of cursing had died away and then Icarus raised the lid of the boot.
“Come on,” he said. “Let’s go.”
They crept through the underground cathedral of a place, marvelling anew at all they saw. Especially all those barber’s chairs. Those thousands and thousands of barber’s chairs.
“Shouldn’t there be workers everywhere?” asked Johnny Boy.
“What, in orange jumpsuits and hard hats, like at the supervillain’s HQ in a James Bond movie?”
“Something like that. Have you ever wondered where the supervillains get their workers from? Do you think they advertise in the newspaper? You know, Supervillain seeking world domination also seeks skilled manual workers to help construct nuclear missile silo in defunct volcano. Apply box 666.”
“You don’t have a lot of truck with movies, do you, Johnny Boy?”
“They’ll never replace the music hall. Where exactly are we going?”
“To the barber’s shop,” said Icarus. “We’ll find our answers there.”
“Perhaps you should ask the Greek to give you a haircut. You’d look good with a Tony Curtis.”
Tony Curtis had nothing on me when it comes to pulling the womenfolk. I attract women like flies. But then who wants women like flies? The way I figure it, either you have or you haven’t got style. And I’m a have, every inch of the way, and quite a few inches that is.
I slipped on the snakeskin fedora and tipped it at the angle that will be for ever rakish. I discarded the old tweed jacket and took up the new trenchcoat. Now this was style.
Matching python-skin two-piece. I should have asked Fangio whether there was any chance of getting a pair of shoes made up from the off-cuts. I’d have really mullahed the mustard in a three-piece get up. Or would that be four, as shoes come in a pair? And I could have had a necktie too. And a pair of boxer shorts. I made a mental note to pop back to the Lion’s Mane as soon as I had the time, and butcher a couple more python. And perhaps a white rhino, if they had one. White rhino hide would look pretty good on the seats of the brand new Bentley I intended to buy with my payoff from the case.
Payoff? I hear you ask. Just what payoff might this be, Mr Woodbine? Well, my friends, I’ll tell you, it’ll be a big payoff.
Because I had solved the case. And if you were as smart as I am, then you’d have solved it too. You heard everything I heard when Captain Ian the angel was telling his tale. And if you’d been able to put two and two together the same way that I did, you’d be planning what kind of seat covers you’d be having on your Bentley.
But hey, you’re not me. And if you’ve been asking yourself just how come I’ve spent most of the day watching TV rather than getting out and about, then that’s another good reason why I’ll be the one in the Bentley, not you.
But I don’t want to give any more clues away here now. So you’ll just have to settle for the not inconsiderable joy of watching me ponce up and down my office in my new trenchcoat and fedora. Looking like a million bucks.
And I don’t mean green and wrinkled.
“Green and wrinkled,” said Johnny Boy. “That’s what I think of sprouts. Horrid green and wrinkly things and your brother, if indeed he is your brother, actually thinks he has one that lives in his head?”
“I told you he was mad.”
“Damn right,” said Johnny Boy. “I can understand an onion. But a sprout? No thank you. Where exactly are we now, by the way?”
“We’re here,” said Icarus. “Outside the door of the barber’s shop.”
“I don’t remember that bust being in that niche yesterday. Surely that’s Noel …”
Knock knock, went Icarus, knocking at the door.
“Er, just hold on a moment,” called the barber’s voice.
Icarus opened the door and walked right in.