In the middle of the night when he got up to go to the toilet he was hard. He wondered if something had broken, a blood vessel or something. But he knew that it was a dam that had burst, a dam that he had built in his heart many years before. Somewhere between Iula's angry lips and Charlene's eager willingness, somewhere between his promise to Levering Jones and his job, Socrates had allowed himself to want. But the wanting scared him. Charlene scared him.
He decided that he would meet her in the yard and stay there. If she wanted to go to the toilet he'd point the way but stay outside. If she said she was hungry he'd take her to Bolger's for short ribs and corn bread.
That way he wouldn't have to do something that might get out of hand. That way he could honor Levering without going crazy and doing something wrong.
Socrates spent the morning excavating a hole for the coral tree. After that he went down to the nursery on Hooper to get fertilizer for the soil. He read the newspaper and ate canned chili for lunch. Then he went down to Harold's to buy a bottle of Old Grand-Dad just in case Charlene wanted a drink.
Old Grand-Dad? Bernie asked with a sly grin.
Yeah, what of it? Socrates said.
Nuthin', man. Nuthin', Bernie said. It's just that Old Grand-Dad is Charlene's favorite whiskey and you just axed me for her number the other day
In his mind Socrates was afraid. Deeply afraid, but not for his physical safety. He knew a hundred ways to kill a man. He knew how to disappear and show up when you least expected it. He wasn't afraid of Stony Wile's jealousy and neither was he afraid to die.
But there he was again, still doing the same thing, making the same mistake after thirty-six years of prison and poverty. His fear was that he couldn't stop making the same mistake. He didn't want to kill another man over a woman who smiled his way. That's what frightened Socrates: he was afraid that he couldn't control his own urges and that those urges would wipe out all the good he had tried to do.
But the fear was on the inside of Socrates' mind. His face was, to judge by Bernie's reaction, a visage of black rage.
Hey, Socco. Hey, man. I was just jokin', Bernie stammered. I didn't mean nuthin', man. You know what you do is your business an' you better bet I ain't gonna get in that. Here, take this fifth. It's on me, brother. On me.
Socrates accepted the gift because he knew that he couldn't talk without throwing his fists. He gritted his teeth and shoved the paper bag under his arm then he nodded to Bernie and walked out holding his breath.
For a long time after he got home Socrates rehearsed how he'd plant the tree and drink a toast and then tell Charlene that he had to go to work to do an overnight inventory at Bounty.
But then four-thirty rolled around and he got hard again. He went out into the yard and began playing with Killer. Socrates had set up two seven-foot steel poles at diagonal opposites across his small yard. He attached them with thick nylon cord. He took another cord, nine inches shy of six feet, attaching one end to the high wire and the other end to a leather harness that supported Killer's backside. That way Killer had the run of the yard and Socrates could take down the short cord and use it as a kind of leash to take his dog for walks. It was good exercise for the ex-con because even without his hind legs Killer was seventy pounds of jet-black mutt.
By five thirty Socrates could hear his heart beating. By six he was sure she wouldn't show.
When she finally appeared at six fifteen he didn't know what he was feeling.
She was wearing a black dress that you would have said, if you saw it on a wire hanger, belonged on a woman half a foot shorter and twenty pounds lighter. But Socrates didn't complain about the deep brown cleavage or the flesh of her thighs. He didn't ask why she was late. He didn't even remember that she was late. He said no more to Charlene than he had to Bernie but his face was an open book.
She said, Hi, and he opened the gate to the alley. She held out her hand and he took it to lead her across the threshold. They walked past the hole he'd dug and the tree next to it. Killer shoved his friendly snout up under the short dress. Charlene giggled and scratched his ear.
In the kitchen Socrates took Charlene by her waist and guided her to sit in his one good wood chair. He took off her flat-heeled black suede shoes and caressed her calf with a hand that knew a hundred ways to kill.
Charlene sighed and he said, Stand up.
He pulled the black straps off her shoulders and then went down on his knees again as he pulled the dress toward her ankles. He swung around to sit in the chair. Using his hands he turned her slowly around to look at the body that had lived in his dreams.
Baby, Charlene said in a voice that was almost pleading.
Socrates could see that she was getting shy from his deep scrutiny and his powerful hands.
What? he asked her.
I don't know, she said.
They played love until nearly midnight. It wasn't until then that Socrates broke the seal on his whiskey. They had only one drink before going back to bed.
What you thinkin'? Charlene asked him in the darkness of his sleeping room.
That it's always about me, Socrates said.
What you mean?
Here I am sayin' that I did this for Levering. But Levering is gone and I'm here with you. You know I think I woulda bust if you didn't come over. It was me had to sleep with you. Even though I knew it was wrong.
What's wrong with it? I ain't married. You ain't neither. Are you?
Maybe it ain't. I don't know. At least nobody died over it.
I almost did, Charlene sighed.
They fell asleep in each other's arms.
At four o'clock the next afternoon Socrates went to Iula's diner. Before he climbed the aluminum ladder he saw Tony working in the machine shop below the restaurant. Socrates waved at Tony who had a blowtorch in his hand. The mechanic made some kind of gesture and Socrates continued his climb.
Iula was alone behind the counter. Charles Rinnet was in the kitchen bus behind.
Hello, Iula said in a neutral tone.
I, Socrates said.
Not quite ready yet but if you give us ten minutes you could have somethin'.
I just had to say somethin'. Socrates' voice was full of the love that Charlene gave him. It arrested his ex-girlfriend and she gave him a nod.
I ain't stayin', Socrates said. I just wanted to say that you mean somethin' to me and I care a lot about you. You a good woman. You got a lot goin' for you that any man would like to share. If you need a man today you should have that. And I'm sorry it ain't me. But you know I got business t'take care of before I could saddle a woman with this here heart I got. You know sometimes I feel like I'm gonna explode. An' you cain't blow up on someone you love, baby. No.
Iula said nothing but she didn't seem angry. She just nodded and looked at him.
He kissed her on the cheek and left.
That night he sat outside with the black dog's head in his lap drinking toasts to Levering's coral tree. At some point he fell asleep. Hours later he came awake. The stars were shining and his neighborhood was quiet and peaceful. He felt safe even though he was outside because there was no light stronger than a star shining on him or his promise.
shift, shift, shift
B
ut I ain't did nuthin', Darryl said in a voice that was sometimes husky and sometimes high.
If you ain't did nuthin' then why they kick you outta school? The ex-convict asked. They were facing each other in Socrates' apartment.