I didn’t want to walk in the house with the album and have to answer questions. Not yet anyway. I knew I’d eventually tell Beverly, but not until I thought some things through and figured what to do.
When I came in the back way, Wylie met me at the door with his squeaking yellow porcupine toy. He poked it into my balls and jumped on me. I kneed him in the chest like you’re supposed to do to break a dog of the habit. He yipped in pain and dropped the porcupine and picked it up again. This time he just poked me in the balls with it and didn’t jump up on me. I patted him on the head, took it out of his mouth and prepared to toss it for him to catch, just as Beverly came in from the living room.
“I was about ready to send out the National Guard,” she said.
“We got to talking,” I said.
Wylie could see where this was leading. No porcupine tossing. I had my hand down by my side with his porcupine in it, and he mouthed it out of my fingers and left the room, looking for someone more sympathetic to a dog’s needs.
“I didn’t even know where to call or look for you,” Beverly said. “Billy moves so much I can’t keep up with him. He still in that place over on Rose?”
“No.”
“See what I mean? You should have called, you were going to be this long. I wanted us to go out to eat.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Have you eaten?”
“No, but JoAnn has. She was hungry.”
“Well, let’s go out anyway. JoAnn never likes anything except McDonald’s, and I’d rather have my dick cut off than eat there.”
“Shhhh, the kids will hear.”
“They in the living room?”
“Upstairs watching cartoons.”
“Then they won’t hear… Don’t they watch too much TV?”
“It’s Saturday. They always watch too much TV on Saturday.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m all turned around. I thought it was a school night.”
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve been drinking. You’re acting more like an idiot than usual.”
“Well, we going out to eat, or what?”
“The weather-”
“It cleared off about the time I drove up.”
“I guess we could… You stay away that long again, weather’s like that, give me a call, okay?”
“I’m sorry, honey.” I held out my arms and she came to me and we kissed lightly and I ran my hands over her ass.
“Keep that up, Buster, and I’m going to do you the way we have to do Wylie, only I won’t knee you in the chest.”
“Promise?”
She pushed away from me with a smile. “Don’t push your luck.”
“Ah, come on. You know you married me because I’ve got a big dick.”
“You’re a legend in your own mind, sweetheart.”
“That hurts.”
“Good. I’m going to brush my teeth. You call the kids down and get them ready.”
“Oh, great. How about I go brush my teeth and you call them down and get them ready?”
“Uh-uh. I’ve been with the sweet little shits all afternoon. It’s your turn to have fun playing Leave It To Beaver.”
“But I’m scared of them.”
“Me too.”
She left the room and I poured myself a glass of ice tea. I leaned against the fridge and drank it. Everything seemed back to normal, I was home in my warm house with my kids upstairs gluttoning out on a video tape and Bev and I had talked ourselves into going out to eat, which suited me just fine. Beverly hated to cook, and you could tell it from her cooking which tasted as if it had been purposely mistreated and made to taste memorable, if not enjoyable. That’s why I did a lot of the cooking when I wasn’t working. I had a strong sense of survival.
I finished the tea and called the kids down, and they never knew I’d been gone. My nine-year-old, Sammy, came down the stairs his usual way. Sideways, both hands on the rail, hopping with both feet from step to step so hard his dark blond hair bounced as he came.
“Cut that out, would you?” I said. “You’re shaking the whole house.”
“Okay,” he said, but he didn’t stop. He finished off the stairs that way. JoAnn came down a few moments later, taking the steps the way you were supposed to, but talking as she came. “Daddy, Sammy called me a turd and he hit me too.”
“Well, don’t do that, Sammy,” I said. “Listen up, kids. We’re going to go out to eat. I want you two to go brush your teeth… No. I want Sammy to go brush his teeth, and JoAnn, you go to your room and we’ll lay you out some clothes.”
We went into her room, dodging stuffed toys and kicking mounds of scissored paper scraps aside. I picked out a dress for her. She said, “Daddy, I don’t want a dress.”
“When I pick out pants you want a dress,” I said.
She shook her long, red hair. “Please, Daddy?”
“All right.” kAlllon
We picked out a shirt with a dog on it and some jeans.
I left her to dress, told her I’d be back to help her put on her socks, then I went to check on Sammy in the bathroom. I made him quit playing with his toothbrush and finally got him to get down to what he was supposed to do, and when that was done, we went to his room and waded through toys and books and got him some clean jeans and a flannel shirt out of the closet.
“Wear your slip-on tennis shoes,” I said, digging a pair of socks out of his sock drawer.
“I don’t know where they are, “ he said.
“Well, look for them.”
“I can’t find them.”
“You haven’t looked. Get down and look under the bed.”
“They’re not under there.”
“How do you know? You haven’t looked.”
The phone rang.
“You look while I answer that,” I said.
I caught the phone on the third ring. “Hello.”
“Uncle Hank. I’m scared.”
“Hey, I just left you.”
“It seems like a long while, and I just got this feeling things are going to get worse.”
“Take it easy,” I said. I looked up the stairs to see if Beverly were coming down.
The coast was still clear.
I pulled the phone antenna all the way out and went into the kitchen.
“You’re safe right now,” I said. “I’ll come up with something, I promise. I’m going to take Bev and the kids out to eat, then break it to her I got to go back and see you. When she’s hungry, she’s not in a good mood. Try to talk to her then, it’s like talking to a bear. I’ll probably have to sit through the movie we rented too.”
“Christ! Why don’t you just make it a double feature?”
“Lighten up a little. I want to have all my ducks in a row before I burden her with this. I’ll be over soon enough.”
“All right. Whatever.”
“You’re okay. Trust me. The worst is over.”
“You really think so?”
“I do. Now, I got to go help Sammy find his shoes.”
“Uncle Hank…? Don’t forget the cigarettes, okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
I went back and found Sammy’s shoes. They were lying in plain sight. I left him putting them on and went to hurry JoAnn along. She had the dress on, of course.
Don’t let anyone ever tell you different. Kids are wonderful, but they’re contrary as hell by nature.
Dogs are only a little better.
I hooked Wylie on his leash and took him out to do his business. By the time he was through and we were back inside, Beverly was ready. She came downstairs, her hair brushed into a thick, red brillo mane, and said, “Let’s go.”
8
We went to a hamburger joint where the kids got junk toys in a cardboard box along with a lame hamburger that could be distinguished in taste and texture from the box only by a taint of mustard and hint of grease. The french fries were so well cooked they were more like eating potato sticks. The soft drinks were mostly ice.
Damnedest thing was, we’d be back next week.
Bev asked me what the score was with Bill. I didn’t lie, I just sort of avoided the truth.