Grams stopped stirring the spaghetti noodles and got right in my face. “You’re giving him and your mom control. You need to take it back.”
“What?” I asked her, stunned by her abruptness.
“You are giving him the control of your life. You have to figure out how to deal with it,” Grams said as if it were the most common knowledge in the world.
“Grams, how the hell am I supposed to do that?”
“As much as I don’t want to say this, maybe talk to him. You’ve grown up. Maybe he can explain himself.” I didn’t think there was anything that he could do to explain his actions.
“Ha! Grams, he cheated on Mom and left us. Now, I’m not saying Mom is innocent, but he left me.” The hurt from those words broke my heart. I went from having a dad who loved me and spent time with me to … nothing.
Grams’s eyes bored into me. “You do remember that he was with you up until Annabelle decided to leave, then you didn’t have contact.”
“It’s what he wanted. He just wanted to be rid of us,” I whimpered, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.
“Savannah Marie. Stop that. Your momma’s been feeding you shit for years, stop eating it.” I stared into Grams’s eyes searching for the answers I didn’t think I’d be able to find.
“Grams,” I whined.
“Don’t Grams me. You need to deal with this.”
Wiping my arm across my eyes, I wanted to end this conversation. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. What can I help with next?”
Grams stared at me as if the wheels in her head were turning and she wanted to tell me what they were saying. She didn’t. Instead, she said, “Peel the carrots and slice them. I’ll let it go … for now.”
“Thanks.” Grams’s words swirled around in my head. She had never steered me wrong, but I thought I was doing okay without my dad. I hadn’t talked to him in years and tried not to think about him either. He never called so I assumed he didn’t want anything to do with me.
“So, since your father’s off the table, let’s talk about this boy you like ... Deke? Right?”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “I really don’t want to talk about him either. And don’t act like you don’t know him.”
“Oh, I know him all right. He was splashed all over the papers for months for getting kicked off the police force. But, if you ask me, that drug dealer he beat up deserved it.”
“I read about it.”
“He’s done good for himself, especially after everything he’s lost. Brother. Mom. Shame,” she said, shaking her head.
“His mom overdosed. Right?”
“Yes. Such a shame what happened to that family. First, Jaxson in the creek. Then his mom trying to cope by using drugs. It’s a surprise that Deke turned out pretty decent.”
“Grams, he got kicked off the force. How is that decent?”
“He got cut for beating up drug dealers. You can’t say that’s bad.”
“True.”
“So, tell me.”
I should have known Grams wouldn’t let it go. “I hurt him. He won’t say that, but I did. I just left him after Jaxson’s death and only wrote him a letter saying bye. It was wrong.” My leaving Deke couldn’t have come at a worse time. His brother had just drowned two months prior, and he was getting so much backlash from everyone around him.
“I don’t know what to do, Vann.” Deke’s voice was soft.
“I know.” Stroking his hair softly, he laid his head in my lap. These were the best times. For two months, we had been coming here. I knew that Deke was doing it out of grief, spending time with me, but I took it and held on to it with all my might.
This time with him had been the best of my life and how morbid was that when he was going through so much pain. But I couldn’t lie; I loved and craved every second of it. All these hours every night deepened the feelings that I had for him.
Deke hadn’t paid a lick of attention to me in school. Sure, his parents and mine had cookouts, and we were forced to see each other at those, but he never gave any indication that he wanted to spend time with me outside of those times.
Then the night that Jaxson drown, Deke came to my bedroom window tapping on it repeatedly. He scared the living shit out of me. Rushing to the window, Deke stood below, his clothes a mess, half falling off him and only wearing one flip flop.
When his eyes met mine, my heart broke. He had been crying, his face a tangled mess of runny tears and puffy eyes. Lifting the window, I asked, “Deke, what’s wrong?”
“Jaxson’s dead. I killed him.”
“What?”
“He’s gone.”
“Hang on.”
Throwing some clothes on, I motioned for him to climb through the window. He did so without a word.
“What happened?” Deke sat next to me on the bed and began telling me the horrible details of his brother’s death. I listened to every word that came out of his mouth, wondering the entire time why he chose to come to me.
“I’m assuming that you’ve seen him since you’ve been back.” Grams began stirring the large pot on the stove.
“Yep. At Sully’s. He … he kissed me goodbye.”
“Huh?”
“He realized it was me, grabbed my head, kissed me, and said, ‘Goodbye Vann.’ Then turned around and left,” I said waving my hand in the air.
“Well, he’s up on the dramatics isn’t he?”
“It wasn’t fun.”
“I bet it wasn’t. But now is time to pull up your big girl panties.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Pull them up. No use in doing that pity shit.” Grams turned and stared in my eyes. No more trying. This happened a couple days ago right?” I nodded. “That’s enough time for the pity train. Think back to your books. What would Mara or Keely do if this were them?”
“Grams, those are fictional characters who pop in my head,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“But real to you. You need to decide if you want to fight for him or let it go. Do one or the other.”
“He doesn’t want me, so I’m thinking the choice is pretty clear.”
“You think a man goes through a display like that and doesn’t want you? I’m willing to bet it’s the opposite and seeing you again flared that spark.”
“Grams, you are seriously wrong on this. You didn’t see the look in his eyes.”
“It was hurt. Look Vann, your mom took you away. It hurt all of us, but you couldn’t do anything about it. It was what had to happen at the time. If he doesn’t want to take the time to find out the whats and whys, then that’s his loss and you need to move on.”
“I know.” Even though it sucked.
Grams came over, placing her hand on mine. “My girl, life happens, and it happens fast. You have to figure out what you want and go for it. You never know if it will be there tomorrow.”
I stared into Grams’s eyes and smiled.
“All right, let’s get this done. Keith and his clan will be here soon.”
“Okay.” Grams was right. If he was done, then it was done.
“Keith, my boy, get in here!” Grams yelled from the kitchen. “It’s show time,” she said, grabbing my hand and pulling me behind her. I hadn’t seen Uncle Keith or any of his family in more than five years. Mom didn’t get along with him, which meant that I didn’t get to see him, except at the family dinners that Grams had.