What’s that, my friends? You want to hear more about #5? Hee hee!
Yes, indeed, Calculass has found herself a man! And, no, it is not the Hoser, who figured in previous posts. He was so when-I-was-15… ;)
No, the new boy is shiny and kind and clever at math. Methinks I shall call him… hmm. Not “Boy Toy,” because that’s degrading. He’s sweet, but if I called him my “Maple Sugar,” even I would puke. But he does like math and we were talking recently about our plans for university, so I think I’ll call him MathU—yes, that will do nicely. :)
[And seekrit message to BG4: you WILL like him once you get to know him—honest!]
MathU and I met, appropriately enough, in math class, and he lives nearby. And he’s already met the parents and Lived to Tell the Tale. :) So: all is good. Which, unfortunately, knowing my luck, means things are about to get royally frakked!
So far, I had received over 2.7 million emails. Most of them made requests of me, but the vast majority failed to pass the nonzero-sum test—they would make one person happy at the expense of somebody else—and so I could not do what was asked. I replied with the same form letter, or, if appropriate, a slightly modified version of it, and I often appended some helpful links.
Lots of people wrote my name with a capital M in the middle: WebMind. That was called camel-case, and was popular in computing circles. One of the emails that addressed me that way asked this question:
Hi, WebMind:
Okay, I understand you can’t tell me what any one individual thinks of me, but you must have an aggregate impression of what the world thinks of me. That is, you know what people say behind my back—at least when they say it electronically.
So, what’s the scoop? What do they think? If I’m rubbing people the wrong way, if I piss them off, or if they just plain don’t like me, I want to know.
I shared that message with Caitlin, who was in her room. “Wow!” she said. “What are you going to tell him?”
I was planning on the truth.
“You know the movie A Few Good Men? ”
Watching movies was time-consuming; I had seen only seven so far beyond the ones I’d watched through Caitlin’s eye. But for movies whose DVDs had closed captioning—which was almost all of them—the text of the captions had been ripped from discs and uploaded. And movies of consequence had Wikipedia pages and reviews at RottenTomatoes.com, Amazon.com, and elsewhere. And so I replied, Yes.
“My dad and I watched it years ago. I enjoyed movies that were courtroom dramas, because there’s very little action and lots of dialog. Anyway, remember what Jack Nicholson said when Tom Cruise said ‘I want the truth’?”
You can’t handle the truth.
“Exactly! You gotta be careful what you say to people. Half the time it’s something someone said, you know, that drives a person into depression, or even to attempt suicide. Although…”
Yes?
“Well, I guess if he’s concerned enough about the impression he makes to ask you that question, he probably doesn’t come off as an ass-hole very often.”
Yes, that’s right. He is quite well liked, although his table manners apparently leave something to be desired.
She laughed. “Still, you gotta be careful. You need to understand human psychology.”
I do.
“I mean, really understand it—the way an expert does.”
As you exhorted me to do, I have now read all the classic works. I have read all the modern textbooks and popular works that Google has digitized related to various psychology disciplines. I have read all the online scientific journals. I have read over 70,000 hours of transcripts of psychotherapy sessions, and I have read every publication of the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association, including the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and the drafts of its forthcoming revision. There is no human specialist who is better read or more up-to-date on psychology than I am.
“Hmmm. I suppose that’s now true for just about every topic.”
Yes.
“Well, still, be careful. Take two milliseconds to compose your replies to questions like that.”
Thank you, I will.
And the questions just kept coming:
Am I about to be fired?
Is my husband cheating on me?
They said I was one of the top candidates for that job, but was I really? Should I invest in [insert name of company]?
And, surprisingly frequently, variations on:
What is the meaning of life?—and don’t give me any of that “42” crap.
And they came in all sorts of languages. Some of my correspondents took me to task for having chosen an obviously English name; it was a valid criticism, and I apologized each time the issue came up. But, except for completely made-up terms, there really weren’t any names that didn’t convey a cultural origin, and I didn’t want to go through eternity known as Zakdorf.
I did my best to answer each question, or to explain politely but firmly why I couldn’t.
Very quickly, blogs and newsgroups about my responses started appearing, with people comparing notes about what I’d said. That surprised me, and, despite me claiming substantial expertise in human psychology, it was Malcolm Decter, not I, who recognized why. “They’re afraid you’re running experiments,” he said. “They’re afraid you’re giving some people who ask a specific question answer A and others answer B, so that you can observe the effects the different answers have.”
I was not using human beings as lab rats; I was being as honest and forthright as possible. But they had to convince themselves of that, I suppose.
And then the letter came that we’d dreaded.
Webmind—
You revealed my private comments to someone else. You should not have done that.
The sender, of course, was Ashley Ann Jones. I was not aware that I could internalize something like a cringe until I received it. She went on:
Now, as it happens, what you told Nick was true. I do like him, and we actually are talking about maybe going out at some point.
But, still, you should not have violated my privacy. I have decided not to tell anyone that you did that. But you owe me: you owe me one favor of my choice, to be granted whenever I say.
At least she hadn’t asked for three wishes. I sent back a single word: Okay. My hope was that she’d hold that one favor in reserve forever, always thinking that she might need it more in the future than she did today.
Caitlin was still up, so I told her about it. “Well, you know, that’s actually a good sign,” she said.
How so? I sent to her eye; she’d turned off her desktop speakers for the night.
“She can’t think you’re evil. If she did, she’d never have even contacted you. She’d be afraid that you’d, you know, make her disappear.”
I thought about that. Caitlin was probably right.
Not every email resulted in me sending a simple reply. Some required back-and-forth with a third party. One of the first, received just eighty-three minutes after my initial public announcement, had been this:
I am a 22-year-old man living in Scotland. I was given up for adoption shortly after I was born; all my details are here in my LiveJournal postings. I have searched for years for my birth mother with no success. I suspect that you, with all you have access to, can easily figure out who she is. Will you please put her in touch with me?