“Don’t yell at your mother, Judy. We just happen to have some experience with these things, and when the right person comes along, well, you can just tell.”
“That’s right, Dad, I can tell. You don’t need to tell me in front of a date and embarrass me beyond all reason.”
“But Daniel here’s such a terrif-”
“Actually, I’m not as perfect as you guys might think,” I said, backing slowly down the stairs. “I mean, I really have my share of issues. I’ve had trouble maintaining a fixed residence -”
“I could clear out the rooms above the garage for you,” suggested Mrs. McG. “There’s even a working shower over there -”
“And I regularly find myself cavorting with disreputable types. Really disreputable types -”
“Look, he’s even self-effacing!” said Judy’s mom.
“They’re right, honey,” Mr. McG relented, winking at his wife. “Let’s stay out of this. Why don’t we go to the kitchen and rewash some dishes so that we’re out of their hair and they can have their space?”
“Oh, okay. Right,” said Judy’s mom, giving her own subtlety-free wink back at her husband.
“I’m so sorry about them,” whispered Judy as they went back into the house. “Actually, I’m mortified.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I whispered back. “I expect Number 5’s recent mind games have affected their social boundaries a little is all. The brain’s a delicate organ, you know. Probably when he zapped them, he caused some unintentional side effects. Like making them desperate for you to get married to an alien,” I explained, thinking that he probably didn’t intend for them to pick this particular alien.
“Gosh, I hope you’re right. My life is over if they’re going to treat my dates like this. Not that I can imagine dating anybody but you, of course. Daniel, I really did have a wonderful evening, even if it did mostly revolve around those nightmarish aliens.”
I probably would have blushed even if she hadn’t given me a kiss right then, but she did, and my head nearly burst with happiness.
“I can’t believe those aliens want to make a comedy of us,” she said.
“The Divine Comedy, maybe,” I babbled.
“Aw, you’re so sweet,” she said, and gave me a kiss I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
Chapter 63
“YOU OKAY BACK there?” I asked through the helmet’s intercom.
“You’re going a little fast, aren’t you?” she asked.
“You haven’t seen anything yet,” I said, briefly popping a wheelie, and bringing the speedometer up to 110 miles per hour.
I was elated. It was a beautiful day, and I finally had a solid theory about how I might possibly stop Number 5.
Also, I was alone with one of my favorite people in the whole universe.
“Stop squeezing so hard, Dana,” I said. Taking Judy along this morning to check out Number 5’s farm had been out of the question, of course-because of my vow never to imperil any humans, and my need to concentrate.
“Well, slow down! You’re making me wish we’d gone to school instead.”
“School-I totally forgot!” I said. “This could be a problem.”
I pulled the bike over, and we took off our helmets.
“What’s the big deal?” asked Dana. “We’ve only been once. You think they’re going to miss us?”
“The problem is that we’re on the books now. And if they don’t get a call, and I don’t show up, they may have a truant officer stop by the house. And if a truant officer goes out to the house and finds nobody there, he may call it in on a radio or a cell phone. If he does that, Number 5 may just pick up the signal and wonder what’s going on. Because, you see, Dad’s program, if it’s working, has been fooling him into thinking I’m there. And this could blow that cover.”
“I guess you’re pretty smart anticipating a problem like that,” said Dana, one hand on her hip and the other extended toward me, her finger and thumb pinched together. “But clearly you’re not so smart about other things.”
“What’s that?” I asked, and swallowed nervously as I saw that she was holding a long black hair.
“Been riding around with somebody with wavy black hair, Daniel? This was on the collar of your motorcycle jacket.”
“Oh, um, that, well… you know I really better get Mom here to deal with that truant officer situation, so, sorry if this seems sudden -”
I dematerialized Dana and took a deep breath before summoning Mom.
In some ways, this girl business was way more complicated than hunting aliens.
Chapter 64
“MOM,” I SAID. “Here’s your iPhone. Do you think you could call your friend at the principal’s office and tell her I’m sick?”
“Of course, honey,” she said, and happily dialed the school’s attendance line.
“Yes, this is Mrs. Exley calling again-Daniel’s mother?… Fine. How are you today?… That’s wonderful. And your policies? How are they?… What do I mean? I mean if you were a normal person, I might ask about your family, but it seems clear to me that school district policies are what’s closest to your heart…
“Well, that’s all very interesting, but actually this isn’t a social call. I’m just following up to say that Daniel’s staying home today… No, it’s for none of the reasons he stayed home yesterday.
“Today, you see, he’s quite sick… You need his doctor’s name, you say? No problemo. You have a pen? I’m going to warn you, he has more than one disease, and we’re seeing a bunch of different specialists today.
“Number ten: He is being treated by Doctor Yuri Fishman for voltaic catfish fever.
“Number nine: He’s seeing Doctor Yvonne Yurmunni for interstellar impecuniosity.
“Number eight: He has an appointment with Doctor Darth Crater for his space pox vaccination.
“Number seven: He’s receiving aromatherapy from Mindy Fresh, MD, for his acute aversion to extraterrestrial halitosis.
“Number six: His localized academic malaise is being reviewed by Dr. Inogono Takit.
“Number five: S. Hugh Striker, MD, is counseling him about his obsession with lists.
“Number four: Dr. Wei-Goh Holmes is treating him for an especially nasty strain of domestic nostalgiasitis.
“Number three: Dr. I. M. Trubbell is assessing the state of his bureaucratic mumbo jumbo allergy.
“Number two: Dr. Slobodan Sonne is seeing him about his accelerated bipedal locomotion.
“Number one: Hello? Are you still there?… Daniel, I think she hung up on me.”
“She probably just needed one excuse, Mom, but thanks.”
“No worries, Daniel. I just figure the best way to teach people like that a lesson is to overload them with whatever it is they think they want.”
“Interesting thought, Mom,” I said, sending her home with a blink of my eye and summoning Dana. We pulled back onto the road and headed off to meet Number 5.
Chapter 65
I BEGAN BY doing what any highly disciplined military commander would do on the eve of battle-I ate a four-course meal.
Dana and I had climbed a hill above a cornfield opposite the Wiggers’ property. I’d made us a picnic including wasabi-crusted salmon fritters, chanterelle-and-pork-medallion panini, watercress salad, vichyssoise, and a carafe of Gatorade.
“So what were you doing last night, Daniel, off on your own like that?”
“I was just confirming some theories I’ve been working on. Some light reconnaissance, you know, stuff like that.”
“By yourself?”
“Um, pretty much, yeah.”
“Pretty much?” she asked. “And that black hair I found earlier probably just happened to land on your collar? Just had been blowing around in the wind?”
I guess dematerializing her hadn’t made her forget. “Hair?” I said incredulously. “What hair?”