He chuckled to himself. “Anyhow, it’s a shame we had to lose any, but I assure you we were able to recycle their remains-just as we will with the rest of them after each episode. It turns out that on top of everything else they make wonderful fertilizer. And did I mention the women are perfect incubators?”
Dana didn’t let that one go without a response. I just wish she’d tried using words first.
Chapter 73
WITH AN ARM that would have turned Roger Clemens green with envy, Dana fired a rock straight between Number 5’s eyes on the display. Sparks flew everywhere, and the screen quickly went dark.
“I think you just voided his Best Buy warranty,” said Joe.
“There are too many televisions on this planet anyhow,” said Emma, patting Dana on the shoulder.
There was a laugh behind us that sounded like Jell-O being liquefied in a Cuisinart. We turned to see Number 5 hovering at the end of the wraparound porch.
Absolutely live and in the flesh for the first time.
“Woo-hoo! You’re a hot-tempered little product of Daniel’s imagination, aren’t you? Can I interest you in some caviar?”
That got the rest of the gang charging at him, but to little effect. He’d thrown some sort of crackling field of electricity around himself, and he laughed as if he were getting tickled as they bumped into the invisible barrier and fell back flat on their butts.
It shouldn’t have come as any great surprise that number five on The List of Alien Outlaws on Terra Firma was not going to be taken down in hand-to-hand combat, but my friends continued to take out their frustrations on his force field-leaping, charging, punching, kicking… and always ending up flat on their backs as they failed to find a gap in his electromagnetic defenses.
Meanwhile, I watched my fish-faced foe as closely as I could-and I can watch things pretty closely.
I monitored his sweat, the rhythm of his breathing, his pulse, the slime oozing from the pores on his belly, the contractions of the suckers on his tentacles, the shape of his slimy nostrils… and, other than almost getting sick at how truly disgusting he was, almost right away I noticed something significant-a “tell,” as a poker player might say of his opponent-his eyes never blinked.
I zoomed in my vision to about 128:1 and quickly understood why. His eyes were held open by very thin, transparent data screens that would be entirely invisible to the human eye, but I could see they were feeding him images, text, and data. It was kind of like one of those heads-up displays in a fighter pilot’s helmet; only, of course, in Number 5’s case, the wiring was inside his body.
But I didn’t have time to think about it much right then.
“Thanks for keeping him distracted, guys,” I said to my friends and hoped they would forgive me as I dematerialized their trigger-happy selves.
“You should have let them keep it up,” Number 5 said, still laughing. “I could have gone all day.”
“I was starting to get that impression,” I said, gloomily.
“Oh, don’t take it so hard,” he said. “Can I help it if I’m bee-oo-tee-ful and completely invincible too?”
Chapter 74
BECAUSE IT HAS been scientifically determined that smiling aliens are much less likely than scowling ones to attack violently, I decided to try a charm offensive.
“Boy,” I said, still playing up my disappointment, “you really are powerful, aren’t you?”
“Let’s just say I could provide power to all of New York City for, oh, a couple of decades. But let’s not get technical. The important thing is that we’re candid with each other.”
“Candid?”
“Yes, young Alien Hunter. You may have had some occasional luck with my fellow List members, but don’t bother trying out for any of my interstellar casting calls. Your acting skills are atrocious. You meant to distract me with flattery? Do you think this is my first planetary invasion?”
He laughed mockingly and went on. “I can practically hear the gears grinding under that haircut of yours. Which is truly awful, I must say. Who was your inspiration for it anyhow-Cookie Monster?”
“That really hurts coming from a bloated swamp creature like you.”
He chuckled. “Yes, I long ago realized my place is behind-not in front of-the camera. But I’m curious to see what else you have on your mind. I suspect you were looking for some sort of weakness in me, a chink in my proverbial force field. And judging from that smug look that keeps crossing your face, I expect you think you found something. So, tell me, what do you think it is? What’s my Achilles’ heel?”
“A weakness in you, the galvanic director of such intergalactic hits as Desert Planet Booty Call and Shocking Alien Crime Scenes? Not a chance. We’re obviously no match for each other, so… I guess I’ll be going now.”
“Not so fast, you deluded little creep. You think I’d actually let you leave? Just like that? I wasn’t planning on doing this just yet, but it’s nothing we can’t work around in postproduction. Roll cameras!” he yelled at the alien film crews that had been assembling in the yard.
“No, really,” I said, “I’ll see you later.” And, with that, I transformed myself into a common house mosquito.
Chapter 75
NUMBER 5 BLINKED despite the hardware in his eyes. He must have thought I’d teleported myself away.
“How’d he do that?!” he screamed in frustration at the film crew. He yanked the railing off the side of the porch and sent it sailing through the air at them, causing them to briefly scatter.
“Gu-uh!!” he said in frustration and put his tentacles up over his head. “And where’s Number 21? He was supposed to be back by now. Somebody find him!”
As Number 5 spoke, I carefully flew up to his face, landed on his nose, and jabbed my itchy, needle-like snout into it.
“Gah! Bugs!” he shouted, and as he swatted his tentacle down to crush me, I somehow overcame the nauseating taste of his putrid fish blood, grabbed onto his face with all my strength, and transformed myself into a hedgehog.
“Ahhh!” he yelled as my spines penetrated his tender flesh.
I turned myself back into human form and laughed in his face, briefly, as he got over his surprise.
“I know where Number 21 is, by the way,” I revealed. “He’s, um, excuse me”-I turned to spit the taste of Number 5 out of my mouth-“the latest addition to crossed-out entries on The List.”
Number 5 gaped at me as only a fish can, and then his eyes got really dark, and he began to summon an electrical charge big enough to fry me and every life-form within a hundred yards.
Focus, Daniel, focus… the house, the house, the house…
And all at once, I was gone.
Dad would be proud of me. I’d teleported myself back to the safety of the house, two and a half miles away.
Chapter 76
THE WOODEN LAUNDRY table was covered with holographic maps, spreadsheets, weather reports, weapon data, and, um, Gatorade and White Castle burgers.
Mom, Dad, Pork Chop, Emma, Joe, Willy, Dana, and I were going over our final plans down in the basement. Lucky was there too, but he was more interested in intercepting a hamburger than how we were going to confront Number 5 and his minions.
“So what did you learn from your face-to-face interaction with him?” Dad asked.
“The most important thing,” I said, wiping ketchup from my chin, “was that he never blinks.”
“So?” asked Joe. “He never smells good, either.”
“Electrical implants,” I explained. “He has data screens on his eyes.”
“Ahh,” said Dad. “Very, very good, Daniel. You do show some promise as an Alien Hunter… Not much, but some,” he added with a twinkle in his eye.