The distance rule allows gossip to perform its vital social functions - social bonding; clarification of position and status; assessment and management of reputations; transmission of social skills, norms and values - without undue invasion of privacy. More importantly, it also allows nosey-parker anthropologists to formulate their prying questions in such a roundabout manner as to bypass the privacy rules.
If, for example, you want to find out about an English person's attitudes and feelings on a sensitive subject, such as, say, marriage, you do not ask about his or her own marriage - you talk about someone else's marriage, preferably that of a remote public figure not personally known to either of you. When you are better acquainted with the person, you can discuss the domestic difficulties of a colleague or neighbour, or perhaps even a friend or relative. (If you do not happen to have colleagues or relatives with suitably dysfunctional marriages, you can always invent these people.)
The Reciprocal Disclosure Strategy
If you are determined to find out about your new English friend's own marital relations, or any other 'private' matter, you will probably have to resort to the Reciprocal Disclosure Strategy. There is a more or less universal rule whereby people almost unconsciously try to achieve some degree of symmetry or balance in their conversations, such that if you tell them something about your own 'private' life, the other person will feel obliged, if only out of reflex politeness, to reciprocate with a comparably personal disclosure. You can then gradually escalate the level of intimacy by making your next disclosure somewhat more revealing, in the hope of eliciting an equivalent response, and so on.
Among the English, however, you would be advised to start with a very minor, trivial disclosure - something that barely counts as 'private' at all, and that can be dropped into the conversation casually - and work up, step by step, from this innocuous starting point. The Reciprocal Disclosure Strategy is a laborious, painstaking procedure, but it is often the only way of tricking the English into breaking their privacy taboos.
You might find it quite an amusing experiment, though, to pick the most reserved, buttoned-up English people you can find, and see just how far you can get them to unbend using this technique. Being English myself, I often found it easier to make up my 'personal revelations' than to disclose anything about my real private life. I am sorry to bring my profession into disrepute by admitting to such deceptions, but this would not be an honest account of my research if I neglected to mention all the lies I told.
Exception to the Privacy Rules
There is a curious exception to the privacy rules, which, although it applies only to a certain rather privileged section of English society, is worth mentioning as it tells us something about Englishness. I call it the 'print exception': we may discuss in print (newspapers, magazines, books, etc.) private matters that we would be reluctant or embarrassed to talk about with, say, a new acquaintance at a party. It may seem strange or even perverse, but it is somehow more acceptable to divulge details of one's personal life in a book, newspaper column or magazine article than to do so in the much less public arena of a small social gathering.
Actually, this is one of those 'exceptions that proves the rule', in that what it really tells us is that the vogue for confessional journalism and other candid writing has not significantly affected the rules of behaviour in everyday English life. A newspaper or magazine columnist may tell millions of complete strangers about her messy divorce, her breast cancer, her eating disorder, her worries about cellulite, or whatever, but she will not take kindly to being asked personal questions about such matters by an individual stranger at a private social event. Her taboo-breaking is purely professional; in real life, she observes the English privacy and distance rules like everyone else, discussing private matters only with close friends, and regarding personal questions from anyone outside this inner circle as impertinent and intrusive. Just as you would not ask a professional topless model to take her top off at a family Sunday lunch, so you do not ask professional soul-barers to bare their souls over the canapes at a private party.
The 'print exception' is sometimes extended to cover other media such as television or radio documentaries and chat-shows. It is generally the case, however, that English professional soul-barers disclose rather less in these contexts than in the printed word. The television documentary about the late John Diamond's battle with throat cancer, for example, was far more squeamish and less 'personal' than his newspaper columns and book on the same subject. One also sometimes sees the bizarre phenomenon of an English soul-barer, who has written a highly revealing book or column, coming over all coy and embarrassed, and taking refuge in nervous jokes and euphemisms, when interviewed about it on a chat-show. This is not to say that all soul-barers are more reserved and restrained in such contexts, but there does seem to be a subtle yet noticeable difference in degree of disinhibition between the written and the spoken word. And even those who do not observe this fine distinction, and talk freely about their private affairs in documentaries and chat-shows, will still subscribe to the privacy rules when they are not on air.
There are, of course, in England as elsewhere, some people who will do or say or reveal almost anything, anywhere, to achieve their 'fifteen minutes of fame', or to score points off someone, or to make money. But those who break the privacy rules (and these are clearly breaches, not exceptions) in this blatant manner are a tiny minority, and their antics are generally reviled and ridiculed by the rest of the population, indicating that observance of these rules is still the norm.
Sex Differences in English Gossip Rules
Contrary to popular belief, researchers16 have found that men gossip just as much as women. In one English study, both sexes devoted the same amount of conversation time (about 65 per cent) to social topics such as personal relationships; in another, the difference was found to be quite small, with gossip accounting for 55 per cent of male conversation time and 67 per cent of female time. As sport and leisure have been shown to occupy about 10 per cent of conversation time, discussion of football could well account for the difference.
Men were certainly found to be no more likely than women to discuss 'important' or 'highbrow' subjects such as politics, work, art and cultural matters - except (and this was a striking difference) when women were present. On their own, men gossip, with no more than five per cent of conversation time devoted to non-social subjects such as work or politics. It is only in mixed-sex groups, where there are women to impress, that the proportion of male conversation time devoted to these more 'highbrow' subjects increases dramatically, to between 15 and 20 per cent.
In fact, recent research has revealed only one significant difference, in terms of content, between male and female gossip: men spend much more time talking about themselves. Of the total time devoted to conversation about social relationships, men spend two thirds talking about their own relationships, while women only talk about themselves one third of the time.
Despite these findings, the myth is still widely believed, particularly among males, that men spend their conversations 'solving the world's problems', while the womenfolk gossip in the kitchen. In my focus groups and interviews, most English males initially claimed that they did not gossip, while most of the females readily admitted that they did. On further questioning, however, the difference turned out to be more a matter of semantics than practice: what the women were happy to call 'gossip', the men defined as 'exchanging information'.
Clearly, there is a stigma attached to gossip among English males, an unwritten rule to the effect that, even if what one is doing is gossiping, it should be called something else. Perhaps even more important: it should sound like something else. In my gossip research, I found that the main difference between male and female gossip is that female gossip actually sounds like gossip. There seem to be three principal factors involved: the tone rule, the detail rule and the feedback rule.