The Tone Rule
The English women I interviewed all agreed that a particular tone of voice was considered appropriate for gossip. The gossip-tone should be high and quick, or sometimes a stage whisper, but always highly animated. 'Gossip's got to start with something like [quick, high-pitched, excited tone] "Oooh - Guess what? Guess what?"' explained one woman, 'or "Hey, listen, listen [quick, urgent, stage-whisper] - you know what I heard?"' Another told me: 'You have to make it sound surprising or scandalous, even when it isn't really. You'll go, "Well, don't tell anyone, but..." even when it's not really that big of a secret.'
Many of the women complained that men failed to adopt the correct tone of voice, recounting items of gossip in the same flat, unemotional manner as any other piece of information, such that, as one woman sniffed, 'You can't even tell it's gossip.' Which, of course, is exactly the impression the males wish to give.
The Detail Rule
Females also stressed the importance of detail in the telling of gossip, and again bemoaned the shortcomings of males in this matter, claiming that men 'never know the details'. 'Men just don't do the he-said-she-said thing,' one informant told me, 'and it's no good unless you actually know what people said.' Another said: 'Women tend to speculate more... They'll talk about why someone did something, give a history to the situation.' For women, this detailed speculation about possible motives and causes, requiring an exhaustive raking over 'history', is a crucial element of gossip, as is detailed speculation about possible outcomes. English males find all this detail boring, irrelevant and, of course, un-manly.
The Feedback Rule
Among English women, it is understood that to be a 'good gossip' requires more than a lively tone and attention to detaiclass="underline" you also need a good audience, by which they mean appreciative listeners who give plenty of appropriate feedback. The feedback rule of female gossip requires that listeners be at least as animated and enthusiastic as speakers. The reasoning seems to be that this is only polite: the speaker has gone to the trouble of making the information sound surprising and scandalous, so the least one can do is to reciprocate by sounding suitably shocked. English men, according to my female informants, just don't seem to have grasped this rule. They do not understand that 'You are supposed to say "NO! Really?" and "Oh my GOD!"'
My female informants agreed, however, that a man who did respond in the approved female manner would sound inappropriately girly, or even disturbingly effeminate. Even the gay males I interviewed felt that the 'NO! Really?' kind of response would be regarded as decidedly 'camp'. The unwritten rules of English gossip etiquette do allow men to express shock or surprise when they hear a particularly juicy bit of gossip, but it is understood that a suitable expletive conveys such surprise in a more acceptably masculine fashion.
English Males, Animation and the Three-emotions Rule
It is possible that these sex differences in gossip rules may account for the persistence of the 'gossip is female' myth. If popular perceptions equate high-pitched, quick, animated speech, and frequent use of expressions such as 'Guess what? Guess what?' and 'NO! Really?' with gossip, then male conversations, at least in England, will very rarely sound like gossip, although their content may be identifiable as gossip. Gossiping English males sound as though they are talking about 'important issues' (or cars, or football) - which is of course precisely their intention.
Some of these rules and sex differences may not be peculiarly English. The detail rule, for example, may even be a universal female trait, it being well established that females tend to be more verbally skilled than males. I would also expect similar research in America and perhaps Australia to find similar higher levels of animation in female gossip, both in the telling and in the response. But these are countries influenced at least to some extent by English culture, and my admittedly more limited research in other European cultures indicates that males in these societies are much less restrained, and considerably more animated, in their discussions of social matters. 'NON! C'est pas vrai? Ah, mon Dieu!' is certainly a perfectly normal and acceptable male response to a scandalous bit of gossip in France, for example, and I have heard similarly animated male gossip in Italy, Spain, Belgium, Poland, Lebanon and Russia.
It is not that men in these cultures are any less concerned than English males about appearing effeminate. Fear of being seen as unmanly is undoubtedly a male cross-cultural universal. It is just that only the English (and our 'colonial descendants') seem to regard animated tones and expressive responses as effeminate.
Nor am I saying that English conversation codes do not allow men to express emotion. English males are allowed to express emotion. Well, they are allowed to express some emotions. Three, to be precise: surprise, providing it is conveyed by expletives; anger, generally communicated in the same manner; and elation/triumph, which again often involves shouting and swearing. It can thus sometimes be rather hard to tell exactly which of the three permitted emotions an Englishman is attempting to express.
BONDING-TALK
English bonding-talk, another form of grooming-talk, is also largely sex-specific: male bonding-talk looks and sounds very different from female bonding-talk - although some of the underlying rules turn out to reflect the same basic values, which may qualify as 'defining characteristics' of Englishness.
Female Bonding: the Counter-compliment Rules
English female bonding-talk often starts with a ritual exchange of compliments. In fact, this ritual can be observed at almost every social gathering of two or more female friends. I have eavesdropped on female complimenting rituals in pubs, restaurants, coffee shops and night-clubs; at race-meetings and other sports events; at theatres, concerts, Women's Institute meetings and biker rallies; in shopping centres and on street corners; on buses and trains; in school playgrounds, university cafeterias and office canteens. I found that when women are accompanied by men, they tend to conduct a somewhat truncated version of the complimenting ritual, although they often retreat to the ladies' loos to complete the exchange (yes, I followed them); in all-female groups, the full version will be performed in public.
Observing the many variations of this ritual, and often participating as well, I noticed that the compliments are not exchanged at random, but in a distinctive pattern, in accordance with what I came to call the 'counter-compliment rule'. The pattern is as follows. The opening line may be either a straight compliment, such as 'Oh, I like your new haircut!' or a combination of a compliment and a self-critical remark: 'Your hair looks great; I wish I had gorgeous hair like you - mine's so boring and mousy.' The counter-compliment rule requires that the response to either version contain a self-deprecating denial, and a 'counter-compliment', as in 'Oh no! My hair's terrible. It gets so frizzy - I wish I could have it short like you, but I just don't have the bone structure; you've got such good cheekbones.' This must be countered with another self-critical denial, and a further compliment, which prompts yet another self-deprecating denial and yet another counter-compliment, and so the ritual continues. There are social 'points' to be gained by making amusing, witty self-critical remarks - some English women have turned this kind of humorous self-deprecation into an art form, and there can almost be an element of competitiveness in their one-downmanship.