Other nations may have their flaws and foibles in matters of dress, but only among our colonial descendents, the Americans and Australians, is this lamentable absence of taste as marked or as widespread as it is in England. Ironically, given our supposed obsession with our weather and our pride in its changeable nature, even these sartorially undistinguished nations are rather better than us at dressing appropriately for different climatic conditions. We may spend inordinate amounts of time discussing weather forecasts, but we somehow never seem to be wearing the right clothes: for example, I spent several rainy afternoons on the streets counting umbrellas, and calculated that only about 25 per cent of the population (mainly middle-aged or older) actually manage to arm themselves with this supposedly quintessentially English item, even when heavy rain has been forecast for days. These perverse habits give us a good excuse to moan and grumble about being too hot, cold or wet - and, incidentally, would seem to bear out my contention that our constant weather-speak is a social facilitator rather than evidence of a genuine obsession.
THE ECCENTRIC-SHEEP RULE
Sharp-eyed readers will have noticed that I seem to be including 'innovative street-fashion' in the category of 'uniform' - and you might perhaps be questioning my judgement. Surely this is a contradiction? Surely the quirky, outlandish, sub-culture street-fashions - cockatoo-haired punks, Victorian-vampire Goths, scary-booted skinheads - for which the English are renowned are evidence of our eccentricity and originality, not conformist, conservative rule-following? The idea that English street-fashion is characterized by eccentricity and imaginative creativity has become a universally accepted 'fact' among fashion writers - not only in popular magazines but also in academic, scholarly works on English dress. Even the normally cynical Jeremy Paxman fails to question this stereotype, reiterating the widely accepted view that English street-fashions 'all express a basic belief in the liberty of the individual'. But what most people think of as English eccentricity in dress is really the opposite: it is tribalism, a form of conformity, a uniform. Punks, Goths and so on may look outlandish, but this is everyone - or rather a well-defined group - all being outlandish in exactly the same way. There is nothing idiosyncratic or eccentric about English street-fashions: they are just subcultural affiliation signals.
Designers such as Vivienne Westwood and Alexander McQueen pick up on these street-fashion trends and interpret and glamorise them on the international catwalks, and everyone says, 'Oooh how eccentric, how English,' but really there is nothing terribly eccentric about a diluted copy of a uniform. Street-fashions do not even function for very long as effective sub-cultural affiliation signals, as these styles invariably and rapidly become 'mainstream': no sooner do youth sub-cultures invent some daft new tribal costume than the avant-garde designers pick it up, then a somewhat more muted interpretation appears in the high-street shops and everyone is wearing a version of it, including one's mother. This is infuriating for the young originators of these street-styles. English youth tribes spend a lot of time and energy trying to avoid being 'mainstream' - a dirty word, used as an insult - but this does not make them eccentric, anarchic individualists: they are still conformist sheep, all disguised in the same wolf's clothing.
The most truly eccentric dresser in this country is the Queen, who pays no attention whatsoever to fashion, mainstream or otherwise, continuing to wear the same highly idiosyncratic style of clothing (a kind of modified 1950s-retro look, if you had to define it in fashion-speak, but very much her own personal taste) with no regard for anyone else's opinion. Because she is the Queen, people call her style 'classic' and 'timeless' rather than eccentric or weird, politely overlooking the fact that absolutely no-one else dresses in this peculiar way. Never mind the herds of street-sheep and their haute-couture imitators: the Queen is the best example of English sartorial eccentricity.
Having said that, young English sub-cultural sheep do invent clothing styles that are significantly more wacky and outrageous than any other nations' street-fashions - indeed, the rebellious youth of many other nations tend to imitate English street-fashions rather than going to the trouble of inventing their own. We may not be individually eccentric, apart from the Queen, but our youth sub-culture groups do have a sort of collective eccentricity, if that is not a contradiction in terms. At any rate, we appreciate originality, and we take pride in our reputation for sartorial eccentricity, however undeserved it may be.
THE AFFECTED INDIFFERENCE RULE
This is partly because of another set of unwritten rules about dress, which derive in part from the humour rules that are so deeply ingrained in the English psyche. In particular, our attitude to dress is governed by the omnipresent Importance of Not Being Earnest rule. Dress, like pretty much everything else, is not to be taken too seriously. It is not done to be too intensely interested in one's clothes - or rather, one should not be seen to be overly concerned about being fashionable or well dressed. We admire eccentricity, because genuine eccentricity means not caring a hoot about the opinion of others. This state of perfect indifference may never in fact be achieved, except perhaps among the clinically insane and some elderly aristocrats, but it is an ideal to which we all aspire. We make do with the next best thing: affected indifference - we pretend that we do not care very much about what we wear or how we look.
The affected-indifference rule applies most strictly to English males, among whom any expression of interest in fashion or appearance is regarded as effeminate. And it doesn't even have to be verbally expressed - any slight evidence of interest in dress, of taking a bit of care over one's appearance, can cast doubt on one's masculinity. Many English males almost feel obliged to dress badly, just to prove they are not homosexual.
Younger males are, in fact, secretly highly concerned about conforming to the current street-fashions, sporting the required tribal affiliation-signals, but only their mothers, from whom they beg the money to purchase these items, know how deeply important this is to them. Teenage girls are the only real exception to the affected-indifference rule: they are allowed to express their keen interest in clothes and concerns about their appearance - at least among themselves: in the company of males, they tend to play down these anxieties, and avoid mentioning the hours they spend poring over fashion magazines and eagerly debating the merits of kitten heels or hair-straighteners.
EMBARRASSMENT RULES
I had a hunch that the rest of us, whether we admit it or not, share these concerns, and that observing the affected-indifference rule helps us to hide a deep-seated insecurity about dress, a desperate need to 'fit in' and an acute fear of embarrassment. My most perceptive informant on matters of dress was the fashion 'agony-aunt' Annalisa Barbieri, whose 'Dear Annie' column in the Independent on Sunday attracted hundreds of anxious letters every week from the sartorially challenged English. She had interviewed me a few times for features she was writing on a variety of subjects, and when I found out that she was 'Dear Annie', I jumped at the chance to interrogate an expert on the real, usually hidden, dress concerns and problems of the English - particularly as her international background meant that she could compare these with other cultures' preoccupations.