There is also still an element of stigma attached to 'organized match-making'. Singles' events and dating agencies are regarded as somehow unnatural, too contrived, too artificial, lacking in the serendipity and spontaneity that ought to characterise romantic encounters. Many people are ashamed to admit to 'resorting' to dating agencies or organized singles' parties: they feel it is undignified, an admission of failure. The truth is, of course, that there is nothing at all unnatural or undignified about organized matchmaking. It is a practice that has been the norm throughout human history, and is still customary in most cultures around the world. But the English obsession with privacy makes us even more reluctant than other modern Western nations to accept the need for such practices.
Cyberspace - and the Liminality Effect
Cyberspace fails the Alcohol element of the SAS Test (although cyber-flirts can of course provide their own) but scores very highly on Sociability and quite highly on the Shared-interest factor. In cyberspace, unlike most 'realspace' public environments in England, striking up conversations with complete strangers is normal behaviour, indeed actively encouraged. Shared interest is ensured by joining a suitable chat room or choosing a prospective partner with similar interests from an online dating-agency portfolio. The 'liminality effect' of cyberspace - its disinhibiting powers - make it ideal for socially challenged English flirts.
The Courtesy-flirting Rule
One of my English informants observed that: 'You can have a sort of platonic flirting with people who are married or attached. In some situations it is almost expected - almost like you have to flirt to be polite'.
This comment refers to an unwritten rule prescribing a special form of 'safe', 'recreational' flirting that I call 'courtesy flirting'. This is mainly practised by men, who engage in mild flirtation with women as a form of politeness. (Women do it to some extent as well, but tend to be more cautious, knowing that men are a bit inclined to misread the signals.) Courtesy flirting is common throughout Continental Europe as well as in England, but there are some subtle differences: English men tend more towards playful teasing, Continental Europeans towards gallant compliments. Both forms can be confusing for Americans, who often mistake courtesy flirting for the real thing.
The Uncertainty Principle
Even when English males are genuinely interested in a female, they may often be reluctant to convey their interest in any obvious or straightforward fashion. We have already established that the English male is: (a) not an accomplished flirt, tending to be either awkward and tongue-tied or crass and boorish, and (b) somewhat uncomfortable with the whole concept of 'dating'. Defining an encounter with a female as a 'date' is a bit too explicit, too official, too clear-cut and unambiguous - the sort of embarrassing 'cards on the table' declaration of intent that the naturally cautious, indirect English male prefers to avoid.
Even when full of Dutch courage, he is unlikely to use the word 'date' in his drunken amorous advances, generally opting for 'shag' (or some equivalent expression) instead. This may seem strange, as 'shag' might be regarded as rather more explicit than 'date', but it makes sense in the context of beer-sodden English male logic, where asking a female to have sex with you is somehow less personal, intimate and embarrassing than inviting her out to dinner.
Ideally, the English male would rather not issue any definite invitation at all, sexual or social, preferring to achieve his goal through a series of subtle hints and oblique manoeuvres, often so understated as to be almost undetectable. This 'uncertainty principle' has a number of advantages: the English male is not required to exhibit any emotions; he avoids entangling himself too soon in anything that could possibly be described as a 'relationship' (a term he detests even more than 'date'); he does not have to do or say anything 'soppy', so he maintains his stiff-upper-lipped masculine dignity; and, above all, by never making any direct, unequivocal request, he avoids the humiliation of a direct, unequivocal rejection.
English females are accustomed to this rather vague, ambivalent form of courtship - although even we sometimes find it hard to read the signals accurately, and may spend inordinate amounts of time discussing the possible 'meaning' of some obscure hint or ambiguous gesture with our female friends. The uncertainty principle has its advantages for English females as welclass="underline" although less emotionally guarded than our menfolk, we are easily embarrassed, and prefer to avoid precipitate declarations of amorous attraction. The uncertainty principle allows us time to gauge the suitability of a prospective mate before expressing any interest in him, and we can 'reject' unwanted suitors without having to tell them out loud that we are not interested.
Foreign females, however, tend to be confused or even seriously irritated by the elusive, uncertain nature of English courtship practices. My non-English female friends and informants constantly complain about English men, whose Protean behaviour they attribute to shyness, arrogance or repressed homosexuality, depending on their degree of exasperation. What they fail to understand is that English courtship is essentially an elaborate face-saving game, in which the primary object is not so much to find a sexual partner as to avoid offence and embarrassment.
The offence-avoidance element of this game is yet another example of English 'negative politeness' - politeness that addresses other people's need not to be intruded or imposed upon, as opposed to 'positive politeness', which is concerned with their need for inclusion and approval. Many of the seemingly bizarre courtship practices of English males - the cautiousness, reserve and apparent stand-offishness that foreign females complain about - are characteristic features of 'negative politeness'. The embarrassment-avoidance aspect of our courtship game may seem rather more selfish, but it is also to some extent a matter of courtesy. The uncertainty principle, whereby neither attraction nor rejection is ever made explicit, and advances and retreats are a matter of subtle hints rather than direct invitations and refusals, allows both parties to save face. The courtship game is governed by the fair-play principle just like other sports.
The Rules of Banter
In most other cultures, flirtation and courtship involve exchanges of compliments: among the English, you are more likely to hear exchanges of insults. Well, mock-insults, to be precise. 'Banter', we call it, and it is one of our most popular forms of verbal interaction generally (on a par with moaning), as well as our main flirting method. The key ingredients of flirtatious banter are all very English: humour, particularly irony; wordplay; argument; cynicism; mock-aggression; teasing; indirectness - all our favourite things. And banter specifically excludes all the things we don't like and that make us uncomfortable: emotion, soppiness, earnestness and clarity.
The rules of flirtatious banter allow courting couples to communicate their feelings for each other without ever saying what they really mean, which would be embarrassing. In fact, the banter rules require them to say the opposite of what they mean - something at which the English excel. Here is a verbatim extract from a typical flirtatious encounter, recorded on a bus, between two teenagers. The exchange was conducted in full view and hearing of a group of their friends.