As I sat on the edge of the bed, I wished Lori was home. She had been gone way too long, and I missed the camaraderie that we shared, her good advice, and silly poetic sayings. She understood me, probably the only person in this house that did.
I slipped on a t-shirt and pajama pants, and turned on the TV. I wanted to get lost in stupid zombies who ate out people's hearts. That would make me feel better.
The door clicked, and Finn walked in. I turned the TV up as loud as it would go until it blared the gnarling sounds of ripping tendons, hoping he would get the hint.
But he didn't.
Instead, he jerked the cord from the wall, and stood with his arms crossed.
"Do you love him?"
I stared up at the ceiling and refused to answer. I didn't know the answer to the question. Was it love? I couldn't give a clear answer.
"I need to know, Jennifer. Do you love him?"
"This has become personal, hasn't it?" I glared at him.
"It's always been personal. You'll learn that no matter how hard you try to detach yourself from someone that it doesn't work. I don't care what the fucking contract says about love. I know better. I saw the way you looked at him. Now answer me."
"What about the other fuck's you've had in the last few months. What about Nancy? What do you know about love?"
"I've fulfilled some fetishes and I've made sexual dreams come true. But were those women the type I am content sleeping next to without fucking? Or someone I would bring to meet my family? Tell my secrets to?" He shook his head and continued. "Sometimes you have sex to be purely physical. To forget about that person that means the world to you. And yeah, I've fucked them, and all of them came crawling back. Gave them the best orgasms of their lives, even made them beg for more on all fours. But did I connect with them emotionally? Did I give two shits about them afterward? No. But can you say the same about your rendezvous with Luke? Love is an emotion that will destroy you if you let. It can ruin your life, or it can create a new one. Don't talk to me about fucking love, Jennifer Downs. The question is yours to answer."
I wanted to run away from his smothering words. I stood to leave, but he pulled me into him. His jaw clenched, waiting for me to answer, waiting for me to tell him how I really felt about Luketon Brand. Did I love Luke?
"No. I don't know what love is."
"When you stare into someone's eyes, and you get a shot of adrenaline that streams through you and sings within your blood, that's love. It's a silly memory of a person that makes you laugh, or a second that you relive in your mind a million times over just so you can experience it again. Love is kisses and touches and all the little things that make your body flood with emotions such as need, want, protectiveness, jealousy, hurt, and anger. It can take your breath away, or smother you at times, and make you feel like you can't go on. Your heart may race a thousand miles per minute, then slow down, and then race again, just with a simple look. Love is deadly and can kill you from the inside out if you let it. It makes you do stupid, ridiculous things, and say senseless sappy words, or listen to silly love songs, jazz, or dance in the streets, or laugh, or smile. Love is a weapon, or a drug, and can drive a person mad. I know what love is, and what it's like to be in love, and I have a feeling you do too."
I swallowed. I did know what being in love was.
My mind tumbled like a satellite lost in space, barrel rolling and spinning, shining only when the sun reflected on it, and then circled around into nothing but darkness.
If I admitted loving, my life would become a jumbled mess, a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces were never meant to fit together. Cinderella couldn't be a princess if the shoe didn't fit.
Finn and I were different, but the same.
Could I really become a part of his world?
His life?
Was it even an option? Or, rather, another stupid fairy tale that love created to confuse me.
Everything would change.
I couldn't handle more change.
But as I looked into his eyes, my breath and words didn't seem to come, and I knew that everything he spoke of, I felt. Love could be cruel, and toxic, and overpowering. Love could jab you in the heart and leave you dry, but love could also make the birds sing louder, make the music sound lovelier, and make the wind blow sweeter.
"I know what you're thinking. Your face gave it away."
He whispered into my ear, and I closed my eyes.
His breath lingered on my neck while his hands lightly grazed my arms, pulling me closer to him. He did know what I was thinking, and every fiber of my being instantly responded, even when I told it not to, even when I tried to hold it back. Somehow, my heart knew, but my mind continued to fight against it. Because I couldn't give in. It wasn't an option.
Finn placed his forehead against mine and stared into my eyes, and for a moment, I thought I could see his soul. My arms found their way around his neck and his twined around my waist. Then he was lifting me into the air and my legs naturally wrapped around his waist. His hands were on my ass, and I looked down into his eyes—his beautiful jade green eyes that seemed to know me when I didn't know myself. That seemed to call me from across any room, and speak words that were never said.
My lips magnetized toward his and we kissed. Not rushing one another, but fully taking in the perplexity of the situation at hand.
Gravity had vanished, and I was floating, completely weightless in Finn's arms. He used his teeth and nibbled my bottom lip, and then his tongue found mine and saliva mingled, creating a mixture of Jennifer and Finnley, a love potion so strong that Cupid himself couldn't claim it.
He broke away and placed me on my feet, but I thought I might not be able to stand. I nervously giggled, and his hand found my face and trailed down the back of my neck. He was pushing my lips to his again for seconds—and thirds—being so greedy, trying to take as much of me that he could. Our top and bottom lips alternated; I wanted to taste his full bottom lips while he wanted my top, and we switched, fully taking in the kiss, sucking and biting one another playfully.
What started soft became hard and we fought, trying to keep our hands from forbidden places. But his hands wandered across each part of my body, memorizing every curve, every muscle and dip, and he moaned with satisfaction as he trailed up my shirt.
Love and lust flowed through my veins, and I felt completely powerless as he touched me. We lost ourselves in the moment, in the nibbles and kisses, in the powerful exchange of pent-up emotions.
"What are you doing to me?" he whispered. And I didn't know.
"I don't think I can stop. My intentions were never to hurt you, or make you fall in love. All I ever wanted to do was break you down and build you back the way I wanted. And it worked, didn't it?"
Dizziness overcame me, and I felt like I couldn't have enough of him, but I had too much at the same time. And then his lips were on my collarbone, trailing across my face, and tugging on my earlobe, making me sigh with satisfaction. We took a break, only to catch our breaths, and to make sure we weren't dreaming. A smile, a kiss, fingers running through my wet hair, and then he led me to his bedroom.
I followed.
I couldn't resist.
I'd been drugged by his taste, by his scent, by him, and if it was wrong, then so be it because at that moment, my heart told me it was right.
Twenty-six
He pulled me by two fingers, led me down the hall, and opened the door. I had never been inside his room before. Abstract paintings on the walls, skylights in the ceiling, and a large bed below. It was everything I imagined it'd be, forbidden and off-limits, but simple in its own way.