Web Site Story

'All right,' said Dr Druid, hauling himself into the vertical plane. Til show you the ward. But it won't do you any good. It's The Rapture for certain and I am not one of the chosen. And if anything, that's what upsets me the most about this. I've spent my life in the service of others. If there was ever anyone deserving of being wafted up to Heaven, then that person is-surely me. It's all so bitterly unfair.'

'Perhaps they're being taken in shifts,' said Kelly. 'I'm sure that if it is The Rapture, you'll be getting exactly what you deserve.'

'That's a comfort,' said the rattled doc. 'I think.'

'Come on,' said Derek. 'Show us the ward.'

A lady, looking pretty in pink, now entered the waiting room.

She tottered on preposterous Doveston holistic shoes with nine-inch platform soles. The platforms of the shoes appeared to be transparent, little pink lights twinkled within, and lit up tiny plastic busts of a guru called Hugo Rune.

The lady in pink came a-tottering up to Dr Druid.

'What have you done with my husband?' she demanded to be told.

'Your husband, madam?' asked the doctor.

'Big Bob Charker, I'm his better half.'

'Ah,' said Dr Druid and his round eyes flickered at Derek.

'He's sleeping,' said Derek. 'He's under sedation, you'd better come back in the morning.'

'Oh,' said Minky Charker. 'So he's all right then? He'll live?'

'Absolutely,' said Derek. Kelly shot him another terrible glance.

'And who are you?' asked Minky.

'I'm a specialist.'

'Really? Are you?'

'Yes, I am.'

'And what do you specialize in?'

'Bullshit apparently,' whispered Kelly. 'I do love your shoes, by the way.' And she smiled upon Minky.

'They're the very latest fashion. Made of poly-synthacarbon dextroglutimatacide. They channel Earth energy right up the back of my legs. I've lost five pounds since I started wearing them this morning.'

'That is surely impossible,' said Derek.

'No, really. I had it in my purse, but I think it must have fallen out. Still, my impetigo's cleared up and my nipples are as hard as a pair of aniseed balls.'

'I'd better have a look at those,' said Dr Druid.

'We should be getting along to the ward,' said Derek.

'Yes we really should,' said Kelly. 'Goodnight to you, Mrs Charker.'

'Couldn't I come to the ward too?' Minky asked.

'Er no,' said Dr Druid. 'I'm afraid not. You can go to my consulting room and disrobe, if you want to.'

'I'm not particularly keen,' said Minky.

'Then goodnight to you madam.'

'Goodnight doctor.'

Dr Druid turned and led Derek and Kelly away to the general ward.

'Oh doctor,' called Minky. 'Just one thing before you go.'

'Yes?' said Dr Druid, turning back.

'Nurse Gavin is my sister,' said Minky.

'Oh,' said Dr Druid, in a low deep long and terribly sorry sort of way.

'Yes,' said Minky. 'And she rang me five minutes ago to tell me that Big Bob has been carried away in The Rapture.'

'Oh,' said the doctor, deeper and lower still this time.

'So one of you is lying,' said Minky. 'And I don't think it's my sister. Bearded women never he; it's a circus sideshow tradition. Like eating quails' eggs when the moon is new, and posting early for Christmas.'

'Oh,' and 'oh,' the doctor said again.

'You'd better come with us,' said Derek.

'I think I better had,' said Big Bob's better half.

Derek gave the general ward a specific looking-over.

He peered under beds, he peered into bedpans, he peered behind curtains and into cupboards. He peered and then he poked about and then he peered some more.

'He'll ruin his eyes with all that peering,' said Minky. 'I had a brother once who used to peer. The wind changed twice and he was stuck with the kind of moustache that only comes off with turps.'

'I'm sure I've heard that line somewhere before,' said Derek, looking up from his peering and poking.

'There's nothing new upon God's Earth,' said Minky. 'Except for The Rapture, of course. That's new, but it has been expected.'

'You believe in it then, do you?' Kelly asked.

'Well you have to believe in something, don't you dear? My uncle used to believe that he was the reincarnation of Jesus. He was a Buddhist, you see. So he had the best of both worlds. He had the stigmata and when we were kiddies, he used to let us put our fingers through the holes in his hands. When he fell asleep we'd fill his holes with plasticine. You don't see plasticine around any more, do you dear? It's gone the way of crazy foam, Potty Putty and X-ray specs. Not to mention the see-back-oscope.'

'The see-back-oscope?' Kelly asked.

'I told you not to mention that!'

'Sorry,' said Kelly, twisting her hair into terrible knots.

'That's an awful nervous habit you have there,' Minky observed. 'You should see a specialist. But not that one doing all the peering. He'll soon be needing glasses.'

'Excuse me for saying this,' said Kelly. 'But you do appear to be quite untroubled about the possibility that your husband has been carried off by The Rapture.'

'It's the way he would have wanted to go.'

'Is it?'

'Well, he did mention once about wanting to be shot by a jealous husband when caught making passionate love to a twenty-year-old lap dancer, during the celebration of his ninety-third birthday. But men will say anything when you have one of their vital parts held tightly in your hand, won't they dear?'.

Tm sure your husband has been yearning for The Rapture,' said Kelly. 'I know I would.'

'You're too kind. So young man, with all your peering and poking, have you come to any conclusions?'

'I think I might need glasses,' said Derek. 'But there is some stuff on these sheets here.'

'Don't look at me,' said Dr Druid.

'Some residue,' said Derek.

'I said, don't look at me.'

'I'd like to take some samples. To get them analysed.'

Tm a doctor,' said Dr Druid. 'I could analyse them.'

'An independent analyst.'

'Spoily sport,' said the doctor.

'Just one thing,' said Minky. 'Just one. Where do I stand regarding my husband's life insurance policy? Will I be able to claim the money without a body? I mean, well, with him being taken bodily into Heaven. That's an Act of God, isn't it? And Acts of God aren't covered.'

'Good point,' said Dr Druid. 'There'd have to be a test case. I'll bet the insurance company won't pay up. They'd have to pay up on millions of policies, if they did.'