'No,' said Derek. 'In fact, quite the contrary. My aunty isn't missing. The folk listed here as missing, aren't missing. They've just moved away. There's no mystery. Nothing suspicious. It's all a computer error.'
Aunty Uzi nodded. 'On this occasion,' she said, 'I am forced to agree with my idiot nephew. It's just a glitch. And when I speak of glitches, I speak of what I know. The computers in this district all crashed years ago. It's a dead zone around here when it comes to computer technology. The black hole of cyberspace. You're on a wrong'n, Kelly Anna Sirjan. You've been wasting your time.'
Kelly's hand was in her hair and strands were being twisted. 'I think we'd better be going,' she said.
'I'm pleased to hear that,' said Derek.
The border guard looked pleased to see them. He was smiling broadly as they came in his direction.
'No car?' he asked. 'Whatever happened to your lovely Ford Fiesta?'
Derek huffed and puffed the way that people do huff and puff, when they've been running hard and running very fast. 'They nicked my bloody car,' he huffed and puffed. 'That car was a collector's item.'
'That would appear to be correct,' said the border guard. 'It's definitely now an item in somebody's collection.'
Derek pulled out his mobile phone and huffed and puffed and pushed buttons.
'You won't get a signal,' said the border guard. 'You just don't around here. Sorry.'
'It's all too much,' and Derek flung himself down on the ground and drummed his fists in the dust.
'He must be a real disappointment to you,' said the border guard to Kelly, who stood looking very cool. Not huffing or puffing at all.
'I'm sure that he must have a use,' said Kelly. 'But so far I haven't found it.'
'Still,' said the border guard. 'Let's look on the bright side. It's a lovely day and the two of you are still alive. Rejoice and be happy, that's my motto. And never eat cheese after midnight.'
It was nearly midnight when the minicab dropped Kelly and Derek off in Brentford High Street. Well, it's a long and complicated route back from Mute Corp Keynes when you haven't got a car and you have to rely on public transport and there aren't any trains any more.
'Brilliant,' said Derek. 'What a brilliant day. I could have been writing an article about the floral clock. But no, I let you talk me into visiting Hell Town UK. I get shot at. I get my precious car stolen. I am mocked and ridiculed and then I have to pay your fares all the way back to Chiswick. And then your taxi fare back here. I don't mean any offence by this, but I truly wish to God I'd never met you.'
'I'd like you to do something for me,' said Kelly.
'What? You have to be kidding.'
'Look,' said Kelly. 'I'm very sorry about the way the day has worked out for you. But whatever your aunty says and whatever you think, there is something very strange going on. It could prove to be something that will make a name for you as an investigative journalist.'
'No thanks,' said Derek. 'I'll pass.'
'All right, then do this one thing for me and I promise I'll never bother you again. In fact I promise I won't even see you again. I'll keep well away from you for the rest of the time I'm here in Brentford.'
'Well,' said Derek thoughtfully. 'Does this one thing involve any danger to myself?'
'None whatsoever,' said Kelly.
'All right. Tell me what it is and I'll think about it.'
'I want you to take me home with you.'
'What?' said Derek.
'To your house.'
Derek gave Kelly a long hard look. 'Why?' he asked. 'It's not to have sex with me, is it? Only I've had a really rough day, I don't think I'm up to it. Although, well, what the heck. I'll give it a go.'
Kelly shook her golden head. 'I don't want to have sex with you,' she said. 'I just want to use your home computer. You do have a home computer, don't you?'
'Of course I do, everyone does. Well, perhaps not everyone in Brentford. But I do.'
'Well all I want is to use it for a while.'
'Why?' asked Derek. 'Don't you have your own?'
'Not with me. I have my palmtop, but that won't do. I -want to use one that is locked into a landline.'
'Why?' Derek asked once more. But for a different reason this second time.
'It's just a theory. Something to do with your aunty describing Mute Corp Keynes as the black hole of cyberspace and the fact that mobile phones don't work there.'
'All right,' said Derek. 'But if you're not going to have sex with me…'
'Derek, I'm never going to have sex with you.'
'All right. Then you will really have to promise that you will never see or speak to me again. Women like you are nothing but trouble.'
'I shall ignore that remark,' said Kelly. 'Take me to your house.'
Derek lived with his mother. Strangely this fact didn't surprise Kelly one little bit. Derek insisted upon a lot of creeping on tiptoe through the house and up the stairs to his room. It's a funny thing about men who live with their mothers, but they are always really proud to show off their rooms to young women. And they are really surprised when the young women they're showing their rooms so proudly to, stare about with their jaws hung slack, then turn upon their heels and take their leave at the hurry-up.
'Wallah,' said Derek when he and Kelly were in his room, the door was shut and all the lights were on. 'My private domain. My holy of holies. My inner sanctum. All pretty fab, isn't it?'
Kelly stared about the room and Kelly's jaw hung slack.
'I think,' said Kelly, her jaw now moving again. 'I think that you possess a very great many computer games.'
'Yes,' said Derek, his head nod-nod-nodding. 'Over ten thousand. A lifetime's collection. They date back to the 1970s. I'm really an Atari man. I've got an early Atari 2600 Video Computer System and the '86 compact version.'
'You haven't got an Odyssey have you?' Kelly asked.
Derek was taken slightly aback by Kelly's question but carried on.
'Sure. I've got the Magnavox Odyssey, an absolute classic. It was innovative, first home game system they released. But the Odyssey II…'
'49-key pressure-sensitive keyboard, 1978. Pure genius.'
Derek looked oddly at Kelly. 'They just don't compare with the Atari in my eyes. I've got the 5200 too.'
'Who, Pam [5]? What about Candy and Colleen, did you ever manage to get your sweaty mitts on those two lovely ladies?'
'Well the 5200, Pam, is really just a stripped-down Atari 400, Candy, solely for game-playing. As for Colleen, the Atari 800, of course she's here, but she was always too expensive to take out.'
'Boxed and stored?'
'Dust-free storage environment along with the Atari 7800. Only the best for my girls. So what do you think?'