Web Site Story

Big Bob lay there, eyes wide open, staring at nothing at all. Staring at nothing and knowing nothing. Nothing whatever at all.

Dr Druid stared down at his patient. 'I hate to admit this,' he told a glamorous nurse. 'But this doesn't make any sense to me at all.'

'Could it be conjunctivitis?' asked the nurse, who had recently come across the word in a medical dictionary and had been looking for an opportunity to use it.

'No,' said Dr Druid, sadly shaking his head.

'What about scrapie then?'

'I don't think so,' said the doctor.

'What about thrush?' asked the nurse, who had more words left in her.

'Shut up,' said the doctor.

Pearson Clarke (son of the remarkable Clive and brother to the sweetly smelling Bo-Jangles Clarke, who bathed four times a day and sang country songs about trucks to those prepared to listen) grinned at the nurse and then at Dr Druid. Pearson Clarke was an intern with ideas above his station. His station was South Haling and most of his ideas were well above that. 'You should run a brain scan,' said Pearson Clarke.

'I have run a brain scan,' said Dr Druid. 'It shows that this patient has absolutely no brain activity whatsoever.'

'That's impossible,' said Pearson Clarke. 'Even deep coma patients have brain activity. They dream.'

'This man doesn't dream,' said Dr Druid. 'Nor do the other two patients, the driver and the woman with the unpronounceable name.'

'I can pronounce it,' said Pearson Clarke. 'It's pronounced…'

'Shut up,' said Dr Druid. 'It's as if this man's thoughts, his memories, his personality, everything has been erased. Wiped clean. Gone.'

'That isn't how the brain works,' said Pearson Clarke. 'That can't happen. A patient can lose his memory. But the memory is still there in his head, he simply can't access it. Mostly it's just temporarily impaired. Bits come back, eventually.'

'I'm sure I recall telling you to shut up,' said Dr Druid. 'Although my memory might be temporarily impaired.'

'Impetigo,' said the nurse.

'Shut up, nurse,' said the doctor.

'Joking apart,' said Pearson Clarke. 'The brain-scan machine might be broken. You know that thing people do, photocopying their bottoms? Well, Igor Riley the mortuary attendant

'Son of Blimey and brother to Smiley Riley, who swears he has a genie in a bottle?'

'That's him, well, Igor Riley has been scanning his bottom in the brain-scan machine. He might have, well, farted in it, or something. It's a very delicate machine.'

'I'll have him sacked in the morning then.'

'Rather you than me,' said Pearson Clarke. 'A bloke in a pub once punched Igor Riley in the ear. Igor told his brother and his brother got his genie to turn the bloke into a home-brewing starter pack, or it might have been a…'

'Shut up,' said the doctor. 'Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.'

'Please yourself then,' said Pearson Clarke, grinning at the nurse, who grinned right back at him.

'I think it's Tourette's syndrome,' whispered the nurse.

'I f**king heard that,' said Dr Druid. 'But, as I said, before I was so rudely and irrelevantly interrupted, I am baffled by these patients. We might be witnessing something altogether new here. Something as yet unlisted in the medical dictionary.'

'That's me screwed then,' said the nurse. 'And I thought I was doing so well.'

‘I’ll teach you some more words later,' said the doctor.

‘I’ll just bet you will,' said Pearson Clarke. 'But listen, if this isn't listed, it will need a name. How about Clarke's syndrome? That rolls off the tongue.'

'Yes,' said Dr Druid. 'Druid's syndrome. I like that.'

'Eh?' said Pearson Clarke.

'Oh look,' said the nurse. 'Look at the patient, doctor.'

'Yes,' said Dr Druid. 'I am a very patient doctor.'

'No doctor, the patient. Look at the patient.'

'What?' asked Dr Druid, looking. 'What about the patient, nurse?'

'He's flickering, doctor. Look at him.'

Dr Druid looked and his eyes became truly those of the tawny owl. Big and round, like Polo mints, with black dots in the middle. Possibly liquorice.

'Oh,' went Dr Druid. 'Oh.' And 'Oh dear me.'

For Big Bob Charker was nickering.

Flickering like crazy.

His head was coming and going like the image on a TV screen when a heavy lorry goes by outside, or at least the way they used to do in the old days.

Dr Druid reached down and tore the sheet away.

All of Big Bob was coming and going, all the way down to his fractured left big toe.

'That left big toe looks wonky,' Pearson Clarke observed. 'There's a fracture there or my name's not… Oh crikey!'

And there was Big Bob Charker.

Gone.

Just gone.

Dr Druid stared and gasped and then he turned around. The beds of the other two patients stood empty. They had just gone too.

Out of a tiny transparent dot of nothing whatever at all, things rushed back to Big Bob at a speed beyond that of travelling light. A speed that well and truly was the speed of travelling thought.

Big Bob did blinkings of the eyes and clickings of the shoulder parts. 'Ow,' and 'ouch,' quoth he. 'My nose, my bits and bobs, my poor left big toe. I am sorely wounded, wherefore-art hath this thing happened? And for that matter, where the Hell am I?'

Big Bob now did focusing and situational-taking stocks. 'I'm in hospital,' he said to himself. 'I'm in a hospital bed,' and then he saw intern Pearson Clarke and Dr Druid and a nurse with a very nice bosom. 'Why look you upon me in this startled fashion?' asked Big Bob. 'Thou seem to have the wind up. No don't turn away.'

But Dr Druid and Pearson Clarke and the nurse, who Big Bob now noticed also had a very nice bottom, had turned away, and were staring at two empty beds.

Big Bob followed the direction of their starings.

'Oh hello Periwig,' he said. 'Thou art here too. And the lady who wore the straw hat, hello.' And Big Bob waggled his fingers.

Periwig Tombs stared back at him. The lady said, 'Where am I?' And, 'Where is my hat?'

'We're in hospital,' said Big Bob. 'Weren't we on the tour bus a minute ago?'

Periwig shook his large and bandaged head. 'I am perplexed,' said he. 'What happened to us, doctor?'

'They're gone,' croaked Dr Druid. 'They vanished. You saw them vanish, didn't you?' Dr Druid shook Pearson Clarke by the lapels. 'You did see it. Swear to me you saw it.'

'I did see it. Yes I did. Stop shaking me about.'

'Doctor?' said Periwig. 'Doctor?'

'Gone.' Dr Druid buried his face in his hands.

'Oh yeah,' said Periwig. 'I get it. Very amusing. They're winding us up, Bob. Pretending they can't see us.'