Web Site Story

'We don't need one,' said the simulated Derek. 'Just get on with it.'

'We should have a congregation,' said Kelly. 'To watch this joyous conjoining of God and Mankind. You deserve it. They should all be here. To worship you.'

'All?' said the simulated one.

'All those who have been taken into the game.'

'There's no time for that,' said he of the simulation. 'They're all over the place.'

'But not here in the building?'

'Of course not, they're mostly all back in their homes, or walking around their streets. But no-one can see them because the virus creates an electrical field about them, causing their molecular structures to vibrate at such speed as to render them invisible. It's all highly technical stuff, you wouldn't understand it.'

'So all the people in Brentford, who have supposedly been Raptured, are still in Brentford?'

'Yes, yes, and the entire program is inside me.' Simulated Derek patted at his simulated chest. 'So please let's get on. We don't need a congregation.'

'No,' said Kelly. 'We don't.'

'It's not the same,' said the Reverend Jim. 'But I suppose it doesn't really matter. So, where was I?'

'Just skip forward,' said the groom. 'Give it some thees and thou arts, and I now pronounce you God and wife.'

'Thee,' said the Rev. 'And thou.'

'Thou hast a fire,' said the big man in the ski mask and gloves.

'Pardon me?' said the Mute Corp receptionist. 'Are you a terrorist?'

Big Bob (for we all know that it's him) shook his ski-masked head. 'I am a superhero,' he said. 'The masked Avenger. Thou hast a fire. Kindly press the fire alarm.'

'We don't have a fire alarm,' said the receptionist, politely. 'This building is completely fireproof. It's built of some plastic-compound jobbie. But I can't remember its name. I could look it up for you.'

'Dost thou have any alarm system?' Big Bob asked.

'We have a panic button,' said the receptionist. 'But I never really understood that. Are you supposed to push it if you panic about something, or does it make you panic if you push it?'

'Push it,' said Big Bob. 'Then thou wilt seest.'

'You don't half talk funny,' said the receptionist. 'Do all masked avengers talk like you? You're the first one I've ever met.'

'Aaaaaaaaagh!' went Big Bob, raising gloved fists in the air.

'Aaaaaagh!' went the receptionist, panicking and pushing the button.

Panic-inducing sirens screamed and very loudly too.

'That would be the kiddie,' said Old Vic.

'What would?' asked Old Pete, cranking up his hearing aid.

'Siren,' said Old Vic. 'Very loud, though I can't see •where it's coming from.'

'Where's all the noise coming from?' asked the Reverend Jim.

'It's the panic button,' said the simulated Derek.

'What a very noisy button.'

'I will attend to it.'

'No,' said Kelly. 'We're getting married.'

'The building may be endangered. The mainframe is here. All is here,' the simulated Derek pointed once more to his chest. 'All must be protected.'

'Yes, but you have security staff to deal with that kind of thing. Come on, big boy.' Kelly thrust out her breasts. 'I'm waiting.'

'Quite so,' said the simulated Derek. 'On with the service, Jim. On at the hurry up.'

There were hurryings and scurryings throughout the Mute Corp building. Employees did all those things that you're not supposed to do in emergencies. Like gathering up their personal belongings and getting their hats and coats and not going to the nearest exit, but the one that's closest to where they parked their cars. And using the lifts, which you're not supposed to do. And phoning home to say that you'll probably be early because the building's burning down and so get the steaklettes out of the freezer now. And so they all got jammed in corridors and in lifts and as most of them hadn't really been panicking before, thinking that it was probably just a fire drill or something and as the building was fireproof who cared anyway, they started panicking now. And of course they started fighting which made matters worse, but did get them moving along.

They came tumbling down the stairways, swinging at each other, and poured into the reception area.

Big Bob leapt onto the receptionist's desk, kicking at those who came within range. 'Take that, thou demon spawn,' cried he. 'Thou servants of the Beast. Take that and take that and taketh that.'

'Do you, go mango Mute Corp series 5000, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, will you love her and cherish her, forsaking all others and keep her only unto you as long as you both shall…' The Reverend Jim paused. 'I've had a bit of trouble with this word,' he said. 'Shall we say, co-exist?'

'Shall we call the whole thing off?' said Kelly.

'Pardon me?' said the Reverend.

Kelly smiled. 'I know everything I need to know,' she said. 'And I have you.…' she flung down her bouquet and pointed at go mango. 'I have you exactly where I want you. A sheep away from the rest of the flock. Separated from the rest of the system. Vulnerable to attack.'

'What?' said the simulated Derek. 'This isn't fair. This isn't how the game is to be played.'

'It's just wedding nerves,' said the Reverend Jim, laughing merrily. 'Happens all the time, brides having second thoughts at the altar. She's just hungry, I'll give her the Mars bar.'

‘I’ll take the Mars bar,' said Kelly, and leaping up she struck the Reverend Jim. Twice with both feet in the air. Once in the big fat belly and once on the big fat chin. The Reverend Jim went down like a punctured balloon.

'And you're next,' said Kelly, making fists at go mango. 'You are finished. I am going to destroy you.'

The simulated face of Derek smiled. 'I think you're running a bit low on energy,' it said. 'I don't think you're up to it.'

Kelly spun around on the raised toes of her left foot. Her right leg described that blurry arc that always spelt doom to anyone who had it coming in their direction. Her right foot struck simulated Derek's head a terrible terrible blow.

But go mango didn't fall. He straightened up his dented head and laughed. 'You'll have to do better than that,' he laughed. 'You are going to bear our child, whether you like it or not.'

‘I do like that,' said Old Pete. 'See the way they're all falling over each other as they run out of the building. That do make me laugh. That really do.'

'Does it look about the last of them?' Old Vic asked. 'Because I'd really like to get on with the blowing up.'

The martial Brentonians cheered. I'm-the-daddy-now said, 'Let's kick ass.'

'Your sweet ass is mine,' said go mango. 'You're too weak to resist me. I suggest that we cut straight to the chase, as it were, get your kit off.'

'Never.' Kelly swung her fists and lashed out with her feet. But she really didn't have the strength. go mango was built of sturdy stuff.

'This is the stuff,' said Old Vic, as he and Old Pete and the martial Brentonians piled their cases of explosives into the Mute Corp reception area. 'You put one wire in here and another wire in there and the other end in the explosive. Or is it the other way round?'

'You choose,' said Old Pete. 'After all, you were a pow. But let's get on at a hurry up, before the emergency services arrive. When they start fighting over who's in charge, they might pull the wire out by mistake.'

'Gotcha,' said Old Vic.

'I have you,' said go mango, grasping Kelly's arms and drawing them around behind her back. 'You are mine now and we will make beautiful babies together.'