No. If anything, my desire for her has grown exponentially.
I gnash my teeth, continuing off, in search of more of the sweet berries Ni-Kee seemed to like so much.
What have I done wrong?
I brought her great pleasure, that much is certain. I never knew a female could taste so sweet, could feel so good beneath me. I thought she wanted to be with me, that she wanted to bear my young.
Instead, her eyes went wide, her face pale with terror, and she told me no.
Does she not want me? Have I done something to make her think I will not be a good mate or father to our children?
My heart aches, and I rub a fist against my chest, pausing from the pain of it, before setting off again. I know I am not human, not even close to it, but after the way they treated her, throwing her at me and my men without so much as asking her what she wanted…
Aren’t I better than her human options?
A small hand tugs at my pant leg, and when I look down, the zoleh chitters at me, its bright eyes blinking one after the other.
“Did I do something wrong?” I ask it. The little zoleh just stares though, no answer forthcoming. The humans were deceitful to their own warriors. They lied to my mate and her crew about their mission. It is so at odds with our Suevan ways. We can lie, but it is considered a grave crime. Our language is sacred, and built for telling truths, for speaking from our souls.
The humans seem to feel no such compunction towards honesty.
It seems a human trait, to lie and deceive where it suits them.
The thought brings me up short, and the ache in my chest grows uncomfortably tight.
Could it be that my Ni-Kee only had sex to appease me? To ensure that I take her safely to her crew at Edrobaz, and to try to make sure that her species gets the tech they so fervently desire?
It hurts. The mere possibility that she only had sex with me because I wanted it, and not because she wanted to be mine… My throat constricts, and I suck in a breath.
I nearly stumble across the berry bush, so preoccupied with the thought, and I manage to squash half. The rest go into the bag I brought along.
Is it possible that she could have falsified her desire? I scented it on her, but every day, I realize I know less and less about the humans and their culture. Shame washes over me, and I trudge back to the lunar cave where my mate sleeps, the cave where I spent the four days without sleep, in constant vigil over her fevered body.
The worst, deepest part of my shame is that I would not take it back.
I will treasure the memory of my night with Ni-Kee for the rest of my existence, no matter the taint of sadness now attached to it.
And I will not give up hope that I can court her, that I can convince her to accept me, and Sueva.
I just have to try harder.
My back stiffens, and I roll my shoulders. A Crigomar lets out a terrifying bugle, and I crouch instinctively, trying to gauge how far it is. A second bugle crashes across the jungle, and the zoleh claws up my leg, nestling against my neck, its little hands clutching fistfuls of hair.
Two of them, then. A hunting pair.
“They sound far enough away,” I tell it, and it makes a high whimper in my ear. “Do not fear, little zoleh. We will not cross paths with the Crigomar today.”
Or tomorrow, or at all, if our luck holds.
The furry body continues to quiver, however, and I make soothing noises at it as I continue the short walk back to camp.
It is strange the Crigomar are active in this area. They usually keep to lower swamps, off this range and away from our inhabited areas. I purse my lips. It is not good that they are so close. We cannot afford to lose more Suevans, and the Crigomar are efficient and brutal hunters, especially in pairs.
My fangs worry my lower lip.
I may not have the time needed to continue courting my mate. If the Crigomar encroach on our cities, I need to warn my people, so that they can prepare to evacuate or fight.
I heave a sigh. Between the separatists and the Crigomar it is a less than ideal situation.
The cool, damp air of the cave greets me, and I step further inside. To my surprise, Ni-Kee sits at the fire, stoking it and eating a piece of smoked troblek. Her face is troubled, and she does not look up when I enter, as though she is so absorbed in her thoughts that she does not hear me.
The zoleh vaults from my shoulder, clearing the distance to my mate in record time.
“Hi there,” she says softly, and the creature climbs into her lap, rubbing its furry head against her and sighing in contentment. “Where have you been? I was worried about you,” she tells it, and a pang of sadness knifes through me.
She would be good with our children. Why does she refuse me?
I want to ask her, I want to know what is going through her beautiful, brave head, but I am afraid.
For once in my life, I am cowardly.
Because I do not want to hear that she finds me unsuitable, or that she is disgusted by my scales or the idea of mating a Suevan. I do not want to hear that she wants to leave me here and head back to the people who sold her like livestock to us.
So I sit next to her, dig through the bag, and offer her the choicest berries in silence.
“Good morning,” she says, her eyes finally cutting to me.
“Is it?” I ask, furrowing my brow. “Are you well, then?”
“Oh.” She takes a bite of her meat and chews slowly. The zoleh’s eyes grow wide, and Ni-Kee smiles at it before giving it a piece of meat, too. “It’s a saying. It’s a greeting on Earth, I mean. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are good.”
I frown. “So you are not well? Is your fever returned?”
“No.” She grins up at me, and I start to smile back at her, loving the way she looks when she is pleased, but stop, my heart hurting all over again. “I am fine. It just doesn’t necessarily mean that.”
“Human language and customs are strange.”
She laughs, raising one eyebrow. “You’re not wrong.”
“So I am right?”
“Not necessarily.” One shoulder lifts as she shrugs.
“Your words do not always match your thoughts and intentions,” I say without thinking.
The smile and openness on her face shutters, and she takes another bite.
I should not have said that. I scrub a hand over my face. Now she likely thinks I am attacking her choice last night, or that I am angry with her. I am doing neither, but talking to this woman is like navigating a minefield. She sees intention where there is none, or she misinterprets my words and questions.
I wonder if all the Suevans are encountering such problems with their new brides.
“I do not mean to judge,” I say quietly, helping myself to some of the berries. “It is only different from Suevan language. It is why we consider our language sacred and communicate in binary with other species.”
“Suevans can’t lie?”
“No, we can. But it is considered a gross misstep and dishonorable.”
“So you think humans are without honor?” Her eyebrows are raised, her tone prickly. The zoleh looks between us, as though sensing the shift in our mood, and runs off into the darker recesses of the cave.
“No, my sweet Ni-Kee, that is not what I meant.” I shake my head, frustration growing. First she does not want to accept my seed, does not want to accept me fully as hers, after telling me she is mine, and now she seeks to misread my words again.
I stand abruptly, unable to continue the conversation. “I brought you more can-dee berries, because I know you enjoy them. My Ni-Kee, I want you to be happy. I long for your smiles the way I long for water on a day without rain. I do not think you are happy now, and I think it is because of me. I am going to find some fresh meat and food to bring back. I hope you rest while I am gone. I am leaving you the crossbow in case you have need to defend yourself, but you should be safe here. I will return shortly.”