I chance a glance at her. Her expression is as thunderous as the sky after lightning, but she does not respond. Swiftly, I take a different pack, throwing it over one shoulder.
My legs take me back out of the cave before she thinks of something to say that will hurt us both.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
NIKI
I’m mad. It’s stupid, and probably childish, but I’m so damn angry right now, and not even at Draz.
How could I be mad at him?
He hasn’t done anything wrong. I mean, yes, he did marry me without my consent, but he didn’t know I didn’t understand. And last night, he listened when I asked him not to… I swallow hard, pressing the palms of my hands against my eyes. When I asked him not to impregnate me, he stopped.
He’s been an incredible partner so far. I literally could not ask for anyone better to have been paired up with in this violent, alien jungle, than Draz. He’s a brutal and efficient killer, and yet, he’s charming and kind with me, his gentleness so at odds with the vids we’d seen of him butchering his way across the battlefield.
And the sex was out of this world. Literally.
I snort, then pop a handful of berries into my mouth. They’re not sour gummies, but they are pretty fucking delicious. The fact that Draz went out of his way to get them for me, that he knows I love candy and wants me to have what I love… It makes them taste all the sweeter.
I hate that he’s right, too.
I hate that humans are deceptive, that everything about this situation was manufactured because the Earth Federation lied to the Suevans and lied to me and my crew to get what they want.
I don’t hate him, though.
I hate the Federation for what they’ve done to me. They tossed me and my career away like trash, like my only worth is in my ability to reproduce. It’s so fucking archaic, and yet humans seem to think we’re the only worthwhile species.
I stand up, unable to sit with my feelings any longer, and begin to pace.
The Federation doesn’t want me; they don’t expect me to come back. In fact, if I did, they’d probably consider that to be treason, considering they need us to smooth diplomatic relations. Not to mention, if word got out on Earth that they essentially sold me and my crew to the Suevans, the Federation would likely start gunning for us in retaliation. Our word against theirs, and we can say goodbye to any chance of a happy ending on Earth.
I pace, ending up at the shore of the deep, placid pool that spans the center of the cave. My reflection stares back at me, her face lined with worry.
Returning to Earth is out of the question.
There are other planets, other settlements.
I look over my shoulder, to the cave entrance where Draz disappeared out of only minutes ago, swallowed by the riot of green jungle. I like Draz.
Part of me wants to believe that he likes me, too, and not just for the fact that I can reproduce with his species. A frisson of heat goes through me at the memory of last night, at the incredible way our bodies fit together, of how he was more concerned with my pleasure than his, at the way he wanted me.
I wanted him, too.
I swallow hard, toeing a line in the sandy bank. Ripples spiral out from where my toe nudges the water, distorting my image on the once-glassy surface.
I’ve never met anyone like Draz, much less had feelings for anyone like him. Intense, shockingly strong feelings.
I need to talk with him. I nod at my reflection, and she nods back. I don’t have a lot of options, but Sueva is one of them. Staying with Draz is one of them.
Maybe there’s still hope for me here, on this planet, if I can figure out how to tell him I’m not ready to have kids. If he still wants me in spite of that, then maybe… maybe we have a chance.
I cross my arms over my chest, hugging myself.
I want to give us a chance.
I’m going out of my mind with boredom by the time Draz returns. I’ve sorted the remaining supplies in our stolen packs, washed and hung to dry the thin blankets, which they sorely needed, and even managed a quick nap after eating a few handfuls of berries.
But mostly, I’ve been trapped in the cave with my thoughts, and they weigh on me. The zoleh didn’t prove a great conversational partner, but it didn’t seem too offended by me practicing what I was going to say to Draz for the last hour or two.
“Hi,” I tell him, my surge of happiness at seeing him warring with my trepidation at telling him what I’m thinking. It comes out strange and high-pitched as a result, and I clear my throat, trying again.
“Hi,” I repeat, then scowl. Great. I’m definitely playing it cool.
Draz shoots me a concerned look. “Are you fevered again?”
“No,” I say quickly. The zoleh runs back and forth between us, chattering happily at Draz. “She’s glad you’re back.”
“Is she the only one glad I have returned?” he asks, caution shadowing his question.
“No.”
The grin he gives me is slow, relieved, and real.
I bite my cheeks, and the next words spill forth from my mouth in a rush. “I want to talk to you. I think we need to talk about… last night. And—” I wave my hand in front of me in a nonsensical gesture. “—and the future. For us. Please.”
“You sound very serious, Ni-Kee.”
Not my Niki, not my heart, not my mate. Just Ni-Kee. A crack forms along my chest, and I press my palm to my collarbone, wrapping my other arm around my waist.
“It is serious.”
“I need to clean the fish I brought for dinner,” he says, holding several up.
“Whoa.” Momentarily taken aback, I stare at the two-foot long fish dangling from his hand. “That’s a lot of fish.”
“You need your strength, and so do I.”
“Thank you,” I tell him.
“It is my duty and honor to provide for you. No thanks are necessary.” The words are stiff, and full of hurt. Based on what he told me earlier, they’re true, too. He wants to take care of me. I’ve always prided myself on my independence, but the truth of Sueva is that I do need his help.
Even if it rankles sometimes. I scrunch up my nose, inhaling deeply.
“Can I talk while you clean the fish? I just… I need to get it out.”
“And you will speak true with me, Ni-Kee?”
I blow out a breath. “Yes. I know you don’t think highly of humans, and frankly, we deserve that.”
He clucks his tongue, making a strange, low noise in his throat of disapproval as he kneels on the cave floor. The fish slap wetly against a rock, and he primes the long energy knife before slicing into one.
“But I have never tried to lie to you.” I purse my lips, recalling our time together. I spread my hands, starting to pace again. The zoleh sits opposite Draz, clearly begging for fish, its demeanor so reminiscent of a cat I had growing up that my heart twists a little in nostalgia.
If I stay here, I’ll never see a cat again.
It’s a stupid thought, considering I’ve never had the time or space to take care of one.
I inhale deeply, trying to collect my scattered thoughts.
“Draz, I care for you.” My nose scrunches. “Deeply.”