Helaine was rubbing her eyes when her mother all but shoved her back into the bedroom, efficiently stripping off her gown.
“What—ow!”
Never had she met a woman who could both strip her of her clothing and brush her hair at once. Her mother was a miracle of efficiency, if only she’d managed to pull out the pins from her hair first.
“Oh, bother!” Her mother pressed the brush into Helaine’s hand. “You finish with your hair. I’ll get you a better gown.”
“But—”
“Brush!”
Helaine did as she was commanded, quickly unpinning her hair. “Why am I rushing to look acceptable?” she asked. She had planned a quiet evening at home.
“Because he is here. Said you had an appointment.”
No need to think who “he” was. It was Robert, of course, and she released her breath in a huff. “I told him I would speak to him tomorrow.”
“Brush! And step into this.” Her mother was holding out the very same dress she’d worn the week before to the inn.
“I can’t wear that! I wore it the last time he was here.”
“Oh! Oh, yes.” Her mother quickly spun around, dropping the dress as she rushed out of the room. She returned a moment later with a winter gown of deepest blue velvet. “You shall just have to wear one of mine, then.”
“But you’re smaller—”
“Ssst! You cannot refuse him, Helaine, no matter what you told him. You began this path. You cannot turn him away so rudely now. And if this is a little tight on you, then all the better.”
“But—”
“Brush! Step!”
Rather than follow orders, Helaine put down the brush and turned to look her mother in the eye. “I have not done anything of which to be ashamed, Mother. There is no path, as you put it. Merely a…” How to put it? “A friendship. Nothing more.”
Her mother dropped into a crouch so that Helaine could step into the gown. When Helaine didn’t move, she looked up with a sigh. “It doesn’t matter what has and has not happened. Everyone believes it of you.”
“But—”
“And I do not blame you for it.”
That froze Helaine in her tracks. A week ago, she’d feared her mother would be sobbing her eyes out at Helaine’s fall from grace. But now the woman was pushing her into a liaison with Robert? It made no sense. And yet, as she looked into her mother’s eyes, she saw an acceptance she’d never seen before. Could it be that her mother was finally ready to face the world again? Not as the ghost of the countess she once was, but as a whole woman? Someone who accepted life as it was and not how it used to be?
Impossible. It was too far a step for the woman to take. And yet, apparently, sometime during Helaine’s nap, the world had changed. It was but a moment more before she realized what had happened. Or more accurately who had happened.
“What did he say to you?”
“Ssst! Nothing! Now step into the dress.”
She did, if only to get her mother to stand. And then she was tucked and pushed and tied into place with such vehemence that Helaine knew she had guessed the truth. So when the gown was settled, she took both her mother’s hands and forced the woman to look her in the eye.
“What did he say to you?”
“Ssst—”
“Do not hiss at me! I deserve an answer, Mama. What did he say?”
The woman grimaced but finally answered. “Just that…just that he admired your strength.”
“What?”
“We were talking about you because that’s what mothers do when they meet an eligible man of their daughter’s age.”
“Mama, you cannot think he intends marriage—”
“I know! I don’t! But listen to me. He started talking to me about you, about how strong you are. That he admires everything you have done with the shop, and that I must be so proud. And I am, Helaine. I really am. You have saved us when I hadn’t the strength to rise from my bed.”
Helaine felt her face flush as she looked away. She hadn’t even realized how much she’d longed to hear those words until they were spoken aloud. Her mother was proud of her. “Thank you, Mama. But what has that to do with all this?” She gestured to the lush gown and her hair, which was flying willy-nilly about her face.
“Oh, sit down. Let me do something with your hair.” Helaine obeyed, and while her mother began to stroke it to a glossy sheen, she began to speak. “He cares for you,” she said. “I can see it in his eyes. It’s not Spanish coin to a girl’s mother.”
Helaine sighed. “Mama, you cannot believe what a charming man says. I would think you would have learned that lesson by now.” From my father. She didn’t need to say the words to make them heard. Both women knew how sweet Helaine’s father could be when it suited him.
“Lord Redhill is not a drunkard,” her mother snapped. “He is solid, stable, and good ton.”
Helaine couldn’t disagree with that, so she held her tongue. And then her mother caught her eyes, holding her gaze steady in the mirror. “He promised to make you happy, Helaine. He said he would do all in his power to make sure of it. And I believed him. He is not a man to make promises lightly.”
“But he does not mean marriage, Mama. You know that.”
The woman sighed, her shoulders slumping with the movement. “Of course I know that. But joy is something precious. You should embrace it while you can.”
“Even if it means compromising…everything?” She didn’t have to state it out loud. She didn’t have to say, Even if it meant losing her virginity to a man who would not marry her.
Her mother’s expression turned wistful. “I first met your father at a garden party. He made me laugh and later sent me posies. Then he followed me around from ball to theater, even to a musical evening, though he hated those things. He was charming and I never laughed so much as in that first year. Our wedding was wonderful and the night afterward out of a fairy tale. He was a terrible lover, I believe, as these things go, but he made it so much fun. We were two children stumbling about and I was so happy. Until he began drinking to excess, I was over-the-moon happy.”
Helaine searched her mother’s face. The words had come out in a rush, but they were no less heartfelt. Her mother was speaking the truth, and that thought stunned Helaine. “Mama, you have always said he was a wastrel and a fool.”
Her mother shrugged. “Well, he is that, too. But in the beginning, it was different. We had such fun. I think that is why I now hate him, because it was so different those first few years.” Her mother’s eyes were distant, her thoughts far away. But a moment later, she returned to pinning up the sides of Helaine’s hair while the rest fell in loose waves behind her. “You have already lost so much. I want you to feel some of the joy, too. As much as you can, if you can.”
Helaine’s thoughts were in turmoil, and her heart beat triple time. Was her mother truly giving her permission to lie with a man not her husband? “I cannot do something so easily, Mama. Not just for joy.”
“Darling,” her mother said as she patted the last curl in place, “there is nothing just about joy. Not true joy that comes from the heart.”
Helaine shook her head. “Even so, Mama.”
Her mother looked at her a long time and then finally nodded. “That is why you are smarter than I. And yet, even after everything, I wonder if I would make a different choice with your father. Those first years were the very best. A life without such wonderful times would be very dull indeed.”
“But he left us, Mama. With nothing. No food, no protection, not even our reputations. He destroyed us and then he disappeared.”
“I know. But, darling, because of you, we have food. We are safe. And as for our reputations, they are long gone. Royal courtesans have not so terrible a lot. They have the joy and are not trapped once it is gone.”
Helaine rocked back on her heels. She had never thought of herself as a courtesan, royal or otherwise. The idea simply did not fit with her image of herself. Meanwhile, her mother was pinching her cheeks for color, then stopping to give one last piece of advice.