“If you have a chance to find joy, if only for a while, you should take it. We are safe. The shop is doing marvelously. So if he makes you happy, then take it. Take him.”
Helaine closed her eyes, trying to sort out this bizarre world where her mother spoke sense. What she hit instead was a wall of fear. “We are not so safe as you might think. Everything could topple tomorrow.”
“All the more reason to be happy now if you can.” Then she pulled Helaine to her feet, inspected her from head to toe, and pronounced her acceptable before practically pushing her down the stairs. A moment later, Helaine was once again alone with Robert. And from the way his gaze heated her blood, she knew she was very close to the edge of a very large cliff. But which way should she move?
Chapter 17
Robert felt his mouth go dry. She was dressed in midnight blue, her bodice plumped, her skirt flowing, and her hair in a beautiful tumble down her back. Normally he might have compared her to a queen from her boudoir, Venus at night, or any other extraordinarily beautiful woman. But he had no words at that moment. Only the full, incredible vision of her.
“Robert?”
“You look spectacular,” he finally managed.
“Oh. It was my mother’s. You’ve already seen my best dress. Sorry it took me so long to come down.”
He didn’t care whose dress it was, he was looking at her as if he’d never really seen her before. Ridiculous, he knew, but something about her was different. “What happened?”
She started. “What?”
“You’re different somehow. Less determined. Softer. More womanly.”
She arched a brow and a teasing glint entered her eyes. “Are you saying I wasn’t a woman before?”
He let his lips curve in a smile because she was teasing him. She knew exactly what he was talking about, but trying to dodge the issue. “I’m saying that you were handsome before, but now you’re stunning. I like your hair down.”
She touched it almost nervously. “I didn’t have time to style it.”
“Then I hope you are rushed every time I see you.” Then his expression slipped as he studied her face. “What has happened, Helaine?”
“Nothing. I have just had a busy day and a confusing conversation with my mother. And now…” She gestured toward him. “What is so urgent, my lord, that you had to come to my home rather than wait until tomorrow?”
“I didn’t think you’d really see me tomorrow.”
She lifted her chin. “I am not so inconsistent. I told you I would speak with you tomorrow and I would have.”
He nodded. “I know. But something else might have happened. Perhaps Gwen would have an emergency need for a new ribbon. Or one of her new relations would absolutely insist on your attention until you fainted from the tedium of it all—”
“They are not tedious. And you should speak better of your new relations.”
He barely resisted rolling his eyes at that. “They are women intent on fashion and the coming Season.”
“As am I.”
“But you are so much more.” He took a breath, unexpectedly nervous. So to cover, he stepped forward and took her hands. He wasn’t sure if she would allow it, but she was strangely accepting as she lifted her eyes to his. “Helaine, I have something I wish to show you. Something about myself that would ruin me almost as deeply as you would be if your identity were revealed.”
She started at his words. He felt the jolt through their joined hands. “Surely you exaggerate.”
He lifted a shoulder. “I would still have money, still become an earl in due course, but my reputation would always be tarnished, my motives suspect. I would be considered rather depraved by many and become a target of reformers and conservatives alike. Any political aspirations after that would become extremely difficult.”
She lifted her chin. “I do not believe you.”
He couldn’t help smiling. That was exactly the response he wanted. “Then let me show you the truth of it.”
She hesitated, and then she slowly withdrew her hands from his. “But why? Why would you wish to expose yourself thus to me?”
He wasn’t prepared to answer that, wasn’t ready to examine his motives so closely. So he opted for a portion of the truth. “I want you to think well of me.”
She arched her brow. “This thing that would have you scorned by liberals and conservatives alike? This will have me think well of you?”
“I hope so. Helaine, I cannot adequately explain it. I wish to show you.”
“I—” She cut off her words, turning away in confusion. “The world has gone upside down.”
He crossed to her and gently set his hands on her shoulders. Her back was to him and he felt her tighten. But not for long. In time she exhaled and her shoulders eased down. He longed to pull her into his arms, to hold her while they both sorted out their thoughts, but he didn’t dare. Instead he waited and prayed she would choose to trust him.
She did, but he had to wait an eternity for it. In the end, she stepped away from his hands and said, “I will get a wrap.” She meant to step away from him, but he touched her arm lightly to stop her. She paused, looking at him in inquiry.
“What decided you in my favor?”
“There was no real decision, my lord. I am too weak around you. No matter that my common sense says being around you is too dangerous, I cannot force myself to listen. I enjoy your company, and…and I suppose that is reason enough for me to ignore everything else.”
He smiled. He couldn’t help himself. He liked that she would ignore all else to trust him. “Then let us say you are just weak enough. After all, a woman of too much strength is frightening to us poor men.”
Her lips curved in response, and he saw a delightful twinkle enter her eyes. “And then there is the other reason.”
“Yes?” he prompted when she didn’t continue.
“I very much want to know what could hurt you, my lord. I shall not use it, but I should like to know this thing.”
He tilted his head, wondering at her logic. “But if you won’t use it, then what good will it be to you?”
“You will know that I know, and that I could go back on my word at any moment. I find I like the idea of you being afraid of me. Not a lot. Just enough so you understand how I feel every day.”
His smile slid away. “Do you truly feel that afraid? Every day?”
She nodded. She didn’t even say the word, but he could read it in her face. She was afraid constantly. That was expected, he supposed, with her world teetering on the financial edge as it did.
“I could relieve that fear, you know. As my mistress, you would have ample money to support yourself and your friends.” He said the words, but they tasted bad in his mouth. And in his heart, he flinched. He did not like thinking of her as his mistress. And yet, the idea of lying with her was a constant desire. Even now he was hard with lust, though he took pains to hide it.
And while he was struggling with his conflicting emotions, she simply shrugged. “Fear is not so bad. It keeps my thinking clear.” Then she flashed a rueful smile at him. “Most of the time, at least.”
Then she disappeared upstairs, presumably to get her wrap. He heard her kiss her mother good night, then her light tread as she came down the stairs. As she alighted from the last step, he held out his hand to her. She didn’t even hesitate. In fact, there was a smile on her lips as he escorted her to the waiting hansom cab.
She faltered just a moment when she saw the conveyance. “You didn’t bring your carriage?”
“Not for where we are going. My servants talk enough as it is.”
She seemed to understand that, and so allowed him to hand her into the cab. He gave the driver instructions and then joined her inside. And because it was cold, he settled beside her on the seat and tucked her close. Finally, amazingly, she was in his arms again.