Helaine closed her eyes and allowed the world to spin, spin, spin out of control. How many unbelievable things had happened since she had woken up not more than an hour ago? First her mother had all but said, Go and become Lord Redhill’s mistress. Second, Robert had a secret that he was going to share with her. And most incredible of alclass="underline" her mother didn’t hate her father. It seemed like such a silly little thing, and yet, that was what kept whirling about her brain. She didn’t hate him.
“What has you looking so lost?” Robert asked.
She bit her lip and guiltily lifted out of his arms. He resisted at first, but she persisted. Friends didn’t press themselves so tightly together. “I’m sorry. I did not mean to sour the mood.”
His hand flowed over the top of hers, and she felt his warmth seep into her even through their gloves. “I want to know what you are thinking, not change the atmosphere, Helaine. Surely you know that by now.”
“Yes, of course. But…” She didn’t know how to begin. “It will sound stupid.”
“Then by all means, I must hear it now!”
She chuckled because he meant her to. And then, because it was so easy to talk with him, she found herself answering without measuring her words. She just spoke, and it felt good to work it out with another person. With him.
“My mother told me something shocking before I went down to see you. I daresay it doesn’t seem very shocking, but you must understand. I spent my childhood listening to her revile my father.”
“What did she say?”
“That even now, she would not change a thing. She would still marry him.”
She felt him stiffen, pulling back with surprise. “Truly? She would still…After what he did?”
Helaine nodded, relieved that she could finally speak openly with someone about her father. “His theft was the least of it, you know. He was a drunkard, pure and simple.”
He squeezed her hand, and she realized belatedly that somehow she had reversed her position. They were now holding hands palm to palm, and she could not bring herself to let him go. Meanwhile, he shifted slightly in his seat. “Don’t feel as if you need to explain if it’s too painful, but I wondered exactly—”
“You wish to know the details of what my father did?”
Robert nodded. “I only know that he stole from the military supplies.”
She laughed, the sound bitter to her own ears. “That at least I could understand. If he stole supplies to sell to pay our rent or something like that. But no. He had a good friend. A drinking friend, of course, who was in charge of certain military shipments to Spain.” Then she paused to look into his eyes. “Do you know what he stole, my lord? What my father, the Earl of Chelmorton, took from our boys fighting so far away?”
He shook his head.
“Expensive brandy. Wealthy families would ship excellent spirits across the ocean to their officer sons. Half the bottles never made it. Sailors, dockworkers, and the doctors were always nabbing one bottle or another. The doctors at least were taking it for anesthetic. The others…” She shrugged.
“Yes, I understand there is a great deal of theft in military supplies.”
“Yes, well, my father is just one of a long list of thieves in that supply chain. Except he did not steal a single bottle here or there. He stole an entire case. And not just any case, but one meant for the Earl of Bedford’s son.”
Robert released a low whistle. “Bedford is not a man who tolerates theft lightly. And certainly not anything meant for his son.”
“Yes, so we came to realize.”
“But how did Bedford find out? Especially if the case had already entered military shipping?”
Helaine laughed. “My father is a talkative drunk, my lord. Having grabbed such an excellent brandy, he immediately had a party. And when asked by his drinking companions where he’d found such wonderful vintage, he told them. He just…told them. And there were likely servants there, too.”
“Good Lord.”
“In any event, Bedford found out and cried foul…”
“And your father was soon banned from society and you along with him.”
She let her head lean back against Robert’s arm and wondered how she could possibly be about to cry. She hadn’t cried about this in so very long. “My father was a drunk and a fool, and because of that—”
“Because of him, you and your mother have had to fend for yourselves from almost the very start.” He sighed. “Which means, of course, that you have been the one doing it.”
“Oh, no! At first my mother was quite the wizard at keeping us together. At finding the way to get us a free meal or new clothing on the sly. But most of that was dependent upon society. Upon friends who invited us to their homes for tea or the like. Once, I believe, one of her oldest friends paid my tuition at school.”
“But some scandals cannot be overcome, even by old and very dear friends.”
She sighed, mourning more for all that her mother had lost rather than herself. “Mama had married for love, you see. I knew that, of course. Papa could be so much fun.”
“No wonder you take a dim view of passion, Helaine. You have seen how very costly it can be.”
She nodded, seeing that he was right. Perhaps that was why she was so shocked by her mother’s revelation. “She hates him, though. She has said so often. She said it tonight as well, almost in the very same breath that she said she would do it all over again. It makes no sense.”
“But isn’t that the point of love? To not make sense?”
“But she hates him. I know she does.”
“And she still loves him. The two are not so incompatible.”
She twisted so that she could look him in the eye. “Of course they are. Hate and love are opposites. My mother is simply confused.”
He laughed then. A low, rich sound that rumbled through his body into hers. It was so delightful a sensation that she could not be angry with him for laughing at her. “You would rather believe your mother insane than in love?”
“I would rather the world made sense again. My father is a cad and a fool. My mother would be better off having never met him, never loved him, never married him.”
“And yet she said tonight that she still loves him. And that bothers you.”
“How would you like proof positive that your mother is insane?”
He snorted. “We shall leave my mother and her ailments out of this, hm? We are speaking of your parents. I, for one, find it reassuring that love can withstand even the most terrible things. Yes, you suffered horribly because of your father’s mistakes, but the heart does not adhere to logic. And it can love despite someone’s faults.” He twisted slightly and she could see his eyes squint at her in the darkness. “Is that why you have never married? Never found a lover?”
“What?”
“Because you are looking for someone without faults. Someone who will not disappoint you as your father has done.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. No one is without faults.”
“Exactly. And so you are alone.”
She didn’t know what to say to that. She wanted to dismiss his idea out of hand, but inside she quailed. Was it true? Had she locked herself away because no man could possibly be perfect enough to not hurt her? “Then why am I here with you?” she said aloud, the question more for herself than for him.
He tweaked her chin. “Perhaps because I am as perfect as you can find?”
She snorted. “Hardly that.”
“And yet, I am not so bad, either.”
“What you are, my lord, is extraordinarily persistent. How many times have I rebuffed you? And yet you show up at my doorway and demand to see me.”
“I made no demands,” he said with pretend hauteur. “I merely asked.”
“It is one and the same with you.”
“You did not need to come down.”
She shrugged. “My mother insisted.”
“Now, that is a bald-faced lie!”
“She did!”
“And you could have easily refused. But instead you put on a gown, brushed your hair, and are now here with me. Why, Helaine? I’m grateful, of course, but why?”