Of course, no matter how cute Misaki might be, I had no intention of doing anything to her. The sign at the park entrance read, “Beware of Perverts”, but even given the way I looked, I was still a gentlemanly hikikomori. Please, don’t worry, Misaki…
“What? What are you grinning about?” she asked me.
“Nothing, nothing. More important, what’s on today’s special training menu?”
Facing me while sitting on the bench, as usual, Misaki peered into her secret notebook. “Hm, on tonight’s menu is how to converse with others.”
“Eh?”
“In general, hikikomori suck at having conversations. Because they’re bad at speaking to others, they tend to shut themselves up in their rooms. Tonight, I thought we could reform that part of you.”
“Oh.”
“Therefore, starting now, I will teach you wonderful conversational techniques. Please, listen carefully.”
Misaki started her lecture, periodically glancing at her secret notebook as I listened carefully. “When talking to people, you get nervous. That leads to being at a loss for words, turning pale, or getting excited. These make your emotional stability erode even further, and your conversation consequently gets worse and worse. How can you break this vicious cycle? The answer is easy: You’ll be fine if you avoid getting nervous. Given that fact, how can you avoid getting nervous? Well, why do people get nervous? It's because they lack confidence in themselves. You think your companions may make a fool out of you, they may look down on you, or they may dislike you.”
So what? I wanted to butt in, but Misaki’s tone was serious.
“Ultimately, the problem comes back to having confidence in yourself. Having self-confidence, in reality, is a pretty difficult thing to achieve. Truthfully, I don’t think you’ll be able to gain it through any normal method; but I have a marvelous, revolutionary technique to make the impossible possible. Do you want to know? You do want to know, don’t you?”
As she said this, she looked at me, and there was nothing I could do but nod. “All right, listen carefully”, Misaki said in her most dignified voice. “This idea is a massive about-face—like on a Copernicus level! In short, if you can’t be self-confident, then just imagine the person you’re speaking to as even more of a failure than you think you are! That’s the method!”
I had no idea what she was talking about.
“You simply assume that the person you’re conversing with is a huge failure. You theorize that they’re a waste of a human being. Look down on them as much as you can. If you can do that, you should be able to speak well and remain calm, without any nervousness. You’ll be relaxed and at ease, right?
“There is one thing you must be careful of. You have to go out of your way to avoid telling the person you’re speaking to what you’re thinking, because they’ll get mad or hurt. If someone looked you in the face and called you trash, or said you were the worst, or labeled you a failure as a human being, you’d be really depressed, right, Satou? That’s why I keep quiet.”
You mean… I thought. Could this really be some kind of roundabout criticism of me? If so, Misaki’s expression remained innocent.
I had to ask, “Misaki, might you be putting these ‘conversational techniques’ into practice during your daily life?”
“Yes, I am. But they don’t really work that well. Most people are better than I am; so, even if I try to believe they’re worthless, I usually fail. As far as that goes, though, when I’m talking to you, Satou, I naturally…”
“Naturally…?”
“Forget it. If I told you, it’d hurt you.”
I’d been hurt for a long time.
“It’s nothing to worry about. Even a person like you, Satou, is useful to someone.” With that declaration, Misaki stood up. “That’s all for today. See you tomorrow.”
Part Three
Yamazaki was working on the game alone. Using the scenario I had half completed, he was creating the game himself. Continuing to wire himself with the hallucinogens we had bought a few days earlier, he silently focused on his computer. Was this another form of escape from reality? It was truly the ultimate way. However, was creating a game on hallucinogens really possible? Leaning over Yamazaki’s shoulder, I peered at his computer monitor.
The screen was crammed full of tiny words. “The huge organization that controls painful death, anxiety, evil, hell, poison, the abyss, and the like—this is our enemy, and we must defeat this enemy to win the heroine’s love! That is the mission of this game. The enemy is invisible, and you won’t know where it is, so watch out! You could be stabbed from behind. It’s dangerous, dangerous….”
“What is this?” I asked Yamazaki.
Yamazaki slowly swiveled his chair. The pupils of his eyes were entirely contracted. His lips were twisted open as wide as possible into a dangerous smile, one that would frighten anyone.
“What do you mean? You can tell by looking, can’t you? This is my erotic game. It’s an RPG—a role playing game—and the player is the main character. The player progresses in the game by reading the text tile. If he reads it, he’ll learn all kinds of important things; on top of that, the heroine is moe moe. Look. Amazing, isn’t she? The heroine is an alien with cat ears. She’s captured by the enemy. When I say enemy, I mean villains—villains you can’t see. The real object of the game is to make these invisible enemies visible. That’s where the truth of life is found, right? Understand? In other words, I’ve been awakened to the truth of the world. I realized that my mission is to spread my epiphany to everyone, and then erotic games will become the new century’s Bibles. I’ll be able to sell a million copies. I’ll become rich. So… uh, it’s fun. Hey, Satou, you’re having a good time, too, aren’t you?”
Trembling, I stepped back. When I did, Yamazaki let out a metallic-sounding laugh. As if triggered by his own voice, his giggles quickly elevated into an explosion of laughter. “Ha ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha! Oh, how funny!”
Yamazaki took a horrible fall off the chair, landing on all fours. He crawled toward me, his entire body shaking. His appearance reminded me of horror movie zombies.
I started to panic and stood terrified, rooted to the spot.
Grabbing my ankles, Yamazaki screamed, “It’s so funny, so very funny! There’s nothing I can do!”
I was so very scared, I couldn’t do anything, either.
“It’s so empty, so empty that I can’t carry on!”
I felt the same way on that point; but Yamazaki, currently in the throes of his drug trip, was powerfully frightening. I prayed for him to return to normal as quickly as possible, but he did not. Smile quivering, he continued giggling to himself.
Seeing that there was nothing I could do, I decided to give in. I absorbed the white drug through my nasal membranes. It kicked in immediately.
Ah, how enjoyable… How interesting… It feels so nice… This is the best.
Oh… I can’t carry on… I’m finished? …It hurts… How pathetic… What can I possibly do? …There’s nothing I can do… How painful…
It was another bad trip.
The effects of a hallucinogen are influenced by the psychological state and environment of the user; basically, the outcome depends on the user’s frame of mind and physical surroundings. If users feel like they’re having a good time when they take the drugs, they’ll be in heaven; but if they’re depressed already, they’ll go straight to hell. Using drugs with the intention of escaping reality can’t lead to any positive results.
I knew that, of course. I did, but… but my drug-addled senses had been invaded by a dramatic, tangible fear. It was different from the vague anxiety I felt on a daily basis. It was almost visible—a totally clear, easily understood uncertainty.