Once, shed said to me, “If that type of bad God did exist, then we could go on living in good health. If we could push the responsibility for our misery onto God, then we would have that much more peace of mind, wouldn’t we?
“If I could believe in God, I could become happy. Even if God is a bad guy, I know I could become happy. The problem is… the problem is I have a poor imagination, so I can’t believe in God very easily. Look, couldn’t He create some really showy miracle for me, just like He does in the Bible?”
She wanted to believe in a God, but her God was a villain. He was the main instigator of all evil. If she could believe in the existence of someone so evil, Misaki had said that she could keep on living. If a miracle occurred in front of her, it would prove the existence of this villain. She had said that, in that case, she would be able to keep on living. I’ll grant your wish!
The method was unfathomably difficult, terrible, and likely would require an enormous sacrifice. That, itself, however, was what I desired. To sacrifice myself to save the heroine would be the noblest act I could perform.
Ah, I wanted to brag to Yamazaki, I’m living right now, this very moment, burning out my life in a wonderful manner. I truly feel alive. I wanted to hold my head high with pride and brag to him.
It was true, looking at it objectively, that this was quite a dramatic night. A girl swinging a knife around and me trying to stop that girl from committing suicide. It was all rather moving. Given that fact, the words should come pouring forth. In this situation, I should be able to say something eloquent.
Misaki was trembling. I probably was trembling, too. I was frightened, so I tried to bolster my courage.
Memories from my twenty-two years passed through my mind. I realized that I had existed for this moment, when I would do whatever I could—anything I could—to keep this girl alive. It was probably my life’s mission. If not, then there was no meaning… No meaning for my having lived up until now, no meaning in living and then dying. At that instant, I understood everything. I knew everything, and everything was connected.
I would help Misaki, who was shaking with terror. I would give my life to help her. This kind of situation must have been what I’d desired all along. The flags that guided me toward the ending all had unfurled.[37] My dialog, leading toward this ending, was all that remained to set this scene into motion. Because of that, I would stand up and face it. Misaki could find a reason to live. It would be a happy ending.
I was scared. Please, help me…
Even so, I gathered my courage and embraced the trembling Misaki. “It’s not your fault, Misaki.”
I hugged her with all my strength and whispered into her ear, “It’s not your fault at all, Misaki. Not a single part is your fault.”
She was slight, thin. Shaking, she clung to me, and the darkness surrounded the two of us.
The wind was strong that night. Snow fell lightly. The stillness grew deeper. Why were we so sad? Why were we so lonely? Do you know the reason? Oh, I understand. It’s because we’re about to part, about to say farewell. That’s why we’re trembling. We’re forever alone, and we’re forever lonely. That’s how it always is, the way it’s supposed to be. Everyone is like this, so don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate yourself. There are other things you should hate. You need to know that.
“That’s right, there are bad people. There are people who’ve hurt you, Misaki.”
There's no need for you to be sad. No need at all. Why must you be sad? If you always had to live in pain, lonely and suffering, that would be irrational. It would be strange, wouldn’t it? That’s just nonsense. That’s why there has to be someone, somewhere, behind all this. A villain who forces you to suffer.
That’s why…
That’s why, in this world, conspiracies exist.
However, there is a more than a ninety-nine percent chance that the plausible-sounding conspiracies that you hear about from others are simple delusions or even intentional lies. When you visit a bookstore, the books with titles like The Great Jewish Conspiracy to Ruin the Japanese Economy! or The Super Conspiracy of the CIA That Hides Their Secret Pact with Aliens! are all just trivial delusions.
Even so…
Even so…
A tiny percentage of people actually have stumbled upon a real conspiracy. There is, in fact, one person who witnessed with his own eyes a conspiracy that exists, at this very moment, in the most extreme secrecy.
Who is this person?
It’s me.
What was the enemy’s name? I knew it. I had known it for a long time, the name of the evil organization that tortured us, the terrible God for which Misaki had earnestly wished. Its name was…
N.H.K.
That’s right! I remembered everything now: the name of my enemy, my mission, the reason for my existence, the reason I had continued to live until now, and the reason I had spent every day empty and vapid. Yes, my life has existed only to save you. This is probably true. It’s all true, so listen to me!
Still embracing Misaki so she couldn’t pull away, I explained in brief detail. “Listen, Misaki. In this world, there is an evil organization. Its name is N.H.K. N.H.K. is a huge organization that spans the entire globe. They’re an evil, secret society, and they’re the ones who put us through this pain. It’s all the N.H.K.’s fault. After this, if anything bad happens around you, it’s all the N.H.K.’s doing. Everything is the N.H.K.’s fault!
“For starters, the name N.H.K. itself is simply a coincidence. The actual name doesn’t matter at all. If you don’t like ‘N.H.K.’, you can call it whatever you want. If you wish, you can even call it Satan. Or call it the evil God. It all means the same thing.
“It’s true. The names don’t matter at all. They’re just a set of sounds. An imaginary enemy torturing you: That is the real essence of N.H.K. For example, take that girl from my high school literature club. To her, it could signify the ‘Nihon Hiyowa Kyokai’[38], as her own weakness continually defeated her. She was weak in both mind and spirit.”
Please, stop trying to slash your wrists. Please, become happy, somehow.
I continued, “In the case of Misaki, N.H.K. means ‘Nihon Hikan Kyokai.’[39] Because of the misfortunes you were born with, Misaki, you saw everything in a pessimistic way. Please, forgive me for being alive. Don’t hate me. You always were self-defeating like that.
“Then, my own N.H.K. …
“Well, it’s actually the N.H.K.’s fault that I became a hikikomori, just as it’s their fault that you suffer, Misaki. That’s the truth. I learned this through a certain technique. I fought with them. I’ve been fighting them for a long time, but it’s no use anymore. I’ve finally fallen victim to them, and they’ll kill me before long. But Misaki, you’re fine. You must live on, in health.”
Misaki clearly was frightened as I kept spewing nonsense.
I released her and took a step back. Now, I would show her a miracle, a great miracle, in order to prove the N.H.K.’s existence. I would reveal my true nature as a strong soldier who battled the N.H.K., and I would defeat them for her.
If I did that, Misaki probably would believe my story. She would live on, smiling. She most likely would stop hating herself, and her pessimistic personality probably would be healed.
That was the answer. I would give her immutable love. You were afraid. You were afraid of being hated by others. You were afraid that others’ feelings might change. But you’ll be okay. My feelings won’t change. I love you, and that feeling absolutely will never change.
37
In Japanese erotic games, you have to go to the right “flags”, or key scenes, to get any specific ending.