And the reason…?
“Ah! I can’t go on! It’s a psychic attack by the N.H.K.!”
I rolled around in the snow.
“Do I look like I’m going crazy? If so, then that, too, is caused by the N.H.K. I’ll be killed soon! I’ll be killed by the N.H.K.! But I’ll return the blow! Just you watch!” I got up and ran, heading for the edge of the cliff.
I started out running slowly.
“Goodbye, Misaki! My legs are moving on their own. I’m going to be killed by the N.H.K. But in the moment that I die, I plan to do something to return their strike. I’ll destroy them!”
My speed gradually was increasing.
“That’s right! In order to defeat the N.H.K., I have to sacrifice my own life so that I can use my special attack. This is why I must go, but I’ll protect you!”
I was moving at full speed now.
I had to run out into the night sky with all my strength. The cliff edge was nearing. Ah, I’ll jump. I’ll dive. I’ll use my special attack.
Because of my unbelievably idiotic end, Misaki would have to believe in the evil organization. Due to my special attack, she might see the end of that evil organization. And it probably would bring her happiness.
And despite everything, Misaki would not need to feel guilty at all.
This was all I had wanted. I always had intended to die.
I would fulfill my own life’s purpose and also save Misaki. Truly, this was the clearest way to kill two birds with one stone. I was the one who had planned to die. I always, always had planned to die.
After all, I even had tried to starve myself to death. But that had proven to be impossible. A weak-willed person like myself couldn’t carry through with something like a fast: My limit was four days. Then, I had worked to earn my living expenses. That was the single time I had worked hard before my death. I always had been searching for some way to die.
In short, I was a much crazier person than you. It proves that, emotionally, I am an abnormal person. I mean, if I weren’t, then I couldn’t do something like this, right? Misaki, while you look down on me, at the same time, please accept my love or whatever it is. I’ll die soon, but Misaki, you must live on. I will defeat the N.H.K. and get rid of the evil organization. Please, believe this. If you do, you can stay alive. Misaki, you can keep living.
Watch my special attack and burn it into your mind. Look, can you see it? Can you see the Revolutionary Bomb, brightly shining in my right hand? It’s the Revolutionary Bomb that Yamazaki refrained from using, an earth-shattering bomb that destroys villains. It’s very, very weak, far too weak to blow away the N.H.K. But it’s more than strong enough to snuff out this minuscule, pathetic, worthless living creature—in short, me. And if I die, my N.H.K. also will disappear, because the N.H.K. is God. It is the entire world. And with my death, my world will dissipate. And the N.H.K. will disappear. That’s exactly why I need to do my special attack right now, with the legendary Revolutionary Bomb.
I was going to die. I was going to dive from the cliff soon. Behind me, Misaki was screaming something, but her voice no longer reached me. No one could stop me now.
This was the best! My body ran like the wind. Ah, I felt good. I felt invigorated, running as fast as I could, atop the cliffs, in the dark.
I also was scared. I didn’t want to die.
There was no reason for me to live. I didn’t want to live.
Soon, I would die. Only a few feet remained before the cliff’s edge. In mere seconds, the space of one heartbeat, I would soar out into the wide-open sky.
After just a few more seconds, swinging my arms as hard as possible and sticking out my legs as far as I could, I would dive. For the first time, I could truly escape, leave my six-mat, one-room apartment and fly higher and higher into the open sky. I would jump and fly.
Ah, just a little longer. I’ll fly soon.
I would jump into the Sea of Japan, as though I were doing a running long jump. I’d jump out…
I’m jumping…
I jumped.
I jumped!
Both my legs left the ground. My body was floating in the air, and after a few moments, my body would fall soon.
I would fall and smash into the Sea of Japan.
The ending was very near—just like in the erotic game that Yamazaki made, I would use my special attack on the N.H.K. To protect the heroine, I would rush forward into the final battle. I had wished for that game scenario, and I was going to die exactly the way I had wanted. It was the greatest happy ending.
Soon, I will be saved….
Then, it happened. Suddenly, something came to mind that concerned me. The ending of that game—no matter how I tried, I couldn’t remember it. Did the hero of the game defeat the evil organization? In fact, was there even an ending at all?
Someone said, “There’s no way to win.”
It might have been a dream. I already might have lost consciousness some time ago. As I danced through nothingness, the pitch-black Sea of Japan and a bright, starry sky stretched out before my eyes.
And then, I saw them. They were mocking me.
My body would start falling soon. I would die. That had to happen.
But they said, “Remember.”
On this bluff, where there had been too many incidents, construction to prevent them had already been completed. The Revolutionary Bomb disappeared without going off.
I screamed, “Is that how you do it?! You cowards!”
No answer came back to me.
Final Chapter. Welcome to the N.H.K.!
It became spring.
Of course, I was holed up in my room.
Why?! Why am I holed up?! Get hold of yourself! Do some honest work! I tried taking out my anger on myself in this way; of course, it’s never so easy to escape from being a hikikomori.
I still suffered from the neuroses that attacked me, the desire to kill myself that would boil silently to the surface, and all the other sorts of problems I faced (my rent being raised or my favorite convenience store closing). On top of all that, I had my security guard job tomorrow. It was a complete pain in the ass.
I was depressingly worried.
Regardless, the cherry blossoms were in full bloom outside my window. New college students walked past the front of my apartment. I felt as though I had been abandoned by the whole world, as though I were being mocked by the entire human race.
For example, Yamazaki had sent me a postcard recently. A photograph printed on the card showed Yamazaki, smiling widely, with a beautiful girl. He’d written, “Oh, I think I might be just about ready to get married. My parents have been bothering me for a while to get set up with someone. (In the countryside, we get married early.) And because I didn’t really have a choice, I had a meeting arranged just once, and look! She’s perfect!”
It seemed to have become an age in which even an erotic-game-loving lolicon could be blessed with happiness.
Die. Go to hell.
Next was the New Year’s card sent by the female upperclassman: “Our house is a huge mansion. We’re in love. I’m about to have a baby.”
She really seemed happy.
Go to hell.
And on top of all that, Misaki’s life, too, now was moving in a truly upward direction. When she had returned to her uncle’s house, naturally, she had been severely scolded. She seemed to have sunk into a reflection about the incident that was deeper than the ocean. Eventually, at some point, she came to talk to me about it. “How do you think I could apologize properly?”