Halak broke off, and Castillo thought he’d just let this pass, but Halak squared his shoulders and said, “After the inquiry today, I doubt very much that I’ll ever serve with Dr. Stern, or anyone else from the Enterprise,ever again.”
Castillo knew something about that but judged that now was not the time. He had to finish this.
“Ani talked about wanting to break it off with you.” Castillo closed his eyes, remembering the surge of elation he’d felt, the sheer joy that maybe Anisar Batra might be his after all. “But then you took off, and she was beside herself. Whatever was bothering her, she didn’t want to wait until the two of you got to Betazed.”
“All right,” said Halak, puzzled. “But I still don’t understand…”
“I told her where you’d gone,” Castillo blurted. “I told her that you were on your way to Farius Prime.”
Halak was stunned. “You?But how did youknow?”
This was the hard part, Castillo knew. Best just to admit it and go on. What had Tyvan said? He can’t hate you anymore than you loathe yourself.“I was on the bridge when Bulast patched that call through to you. I used my bridge access code to break into his communications archives and pull up the message. Then I gave the information to Ani. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have gone, and she’d still be alive.”
For a moment, Halak said nothing. Then he let out a very soft breath, almost a sigh. “Yes, that’s true, isn’t it? I guess it also means that I’d be dead instead.”
“Sir?”
“There’d have been no one there to save my life, twice over. Ensign, why did you do it?” Halak’s voice trembled, and Castillo thought that although the commander appeared calm, he probably wasn’t.
I sure wouldn’t be; I’d be aching to take a swing.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Castillo heard his shame and pushed on. “I wanted her to break it off with you, and I was willing to do just about anything to speed that along. So I told her, and now she’s dead, and that wasn’t supposed to happen.” Castillo closed his eyes. Had to steel himself before he could look Halak in the eye again. “There was a time when I wanted you dead, Commander. I didn’t care how—a shuttle accident, a transporter failure. Anything. So when everyone blamed you for Ani’s death, I did, too. I was happy to. And when they took you away, part of me was glad because I wanted revenge, and part of me was ashamed that I was glad because the only revenge I ended up taking was on myself, really. And on Ani: She was a victim, too. I know now that I was wrong, not just because of everything that’s happened since but because I spent a lot of time thinking about how I’d let my jealousy turn me into the type of man who didn’t deserve the love of a woman like Ani.”
There. Castillo stopped talking, stood his ground, and waited. He’d done it. He didn’t feel good exactly. Relieved just a little. Sick with shame, too. That would take time to go away, Tyvan had said. The important thing was that Castillo had admitted his culpability to a man he’d hated but didn’t any longer because Castillo understood that his hatred had merely been the mirror image of his hurt and anger. When he’d gone to see Tyvan, he’d known the doctor wouldn’t turn him in—couldn’t because Castillo had seen him in a professional capacity, patient to doctor. But now he’d revealed his secret to someone who could take action, and very likely would.
“Why have you told me this?” Halak asked then. “Why are you telling me this?”
Castillo searched Halak’s face and saw no anger there. Only sadness. Resignation. “Because you had to know,” Castillo said. “Because we’ll…because you needed to know going forward.”
“Going forward.” Halak gave a mirthless laugh. “Ensign, the only place I’m going right now is to a formal inquiry. Again.And,” he tapped his wrist, “we’re late.”
They didn’t speak again until they stood before the doors leading into the Starbase 12, Level 7 conference room.
Halak took a deep breath. “Before we walk through those doors, Ensign, I just wanted to say…thanks. I know that was hard for you. It took courage.”
Castillo’s gaze was unwavering. “It would have taken more courage to live with my feelings. To learn that things can’t always go my way.”
“We all learn, Ensign,” said Halak, and then his lips turned in a slight smile. “One step by one step.”
They walked through the doors.
A waiter came her way with a tray laden with Maltran sea-scallops marinated in a Kefarian apple-orange sauce, but Garrett waved her away. She taken special care with the menu, though she didn’t exactly enjoy that duty. My God, when was the last time she’d arranged a reception? She sipped at an amber liquid in a squat glass tumbler, smelled the spicy aroma of bourbon. The Carthage,that reception for the Klingons and Cardassians— Cardassians,for crying out loud. Garrett swallowed, felt the bourbon burn its way down her gullet before exploding in a ball of heat in the pit of her stomach. What a headache thatwas. Garrett gave a soft, private laugh of amazement, shook her head. Trying to figure out what Cardassians would eat, and then having to find those bizarre taspareggs, getting the mess chef to cook them just the right way so they weren’t still raw and lookingat you…Garrett shuddered. Everything had gone off all right, though she’d drunk a fair amount of bourbon that night, enough to kill the pain. She’d made sure there was plenty to drink, for everyone, including Ian Troi who was practically addicted to Betazoid allirapunch.
Poor kid. She smiled at the memory. Fresh off his honeymoon, and wishing he could go back to Betazed and his new wife Lwaxana, but itching to have his adventures, pursue his career; she could sympathize. She’d known exactly how he felt because that was how she’d been torn between Ven and hercareer. Only the Trois had made it work. Ian was still serving on the Carthage,still happily married; from what Garrett heard, they’d just had a second child.
Oh, Ven.Her eyes glazed with tears. She turned aside; she was glad now that she’d chosen to take up a station next to a viewing window that looked out at the stars and her ship. She took another pull from her drink (easy, girl, don’t get weepy on me),composed herself. Waited until the burn of tears pricking her eyelids faded.
Time for this later, in private.She turned back, let her gaze wander over the room, her crew. She spotted Tyvan right away; he was so tall it was hard not to. She saw that he was talking to two science techs, and good for him. Coming out of his shell. Glemoor was shooing Bulast away from the servers readying the food at the buffet, no surprise there.
Then she spotted Kodell and Bat-Levi at a small round table, their heads bent toward one another in that earnest way of two people who are, for the moment, seeing only one another, and that wasa bit of a surprise. Kodell said something to Bat-Levi, and Bat-Levi laughed, hooking that star-white streak of hair, so startling in that otherwise full head of black, behind her right ear. Bat-Levi was wearing her hair down this evening—still tucked up in some ingenious way as to be within regulations, because she was in full dress—but Garrett thought that the effect of that river of black spilling around her shoulders very attractive.
Something there.Garrett saw how Bat-Levi brushed her fingers against Kodell’s forearm. Something’s going to happen for those two.
She thought about Ven again, and that made her immensely sad, but she couldn’t help it. And maybe that’s the way I will have to be for a while.Garrett swirled her bourbon, watched the amber fluid catch and refract and break the light. Her thoughts spiraled, like the liquid: Maybe that’s the way it should be. Maybe I haven’t let myself besad, only angry that I couldn’t fix it, or that loving Ven wasn’t enough when it should have been enough and now it’s too late…