It’s time. I’ve got to tell her.
Taking a deep breath, I pull back so we’re lying side-by-side facing each other. I look into her eyes and take her hand.
“What?” she asks, squeezing my hand gently.
I take a second, hoping to calm my nerves. “I just thought you should know . . . I mean, I’ve wanted to tell you . . . but I guess I was worried you’d freak out . . . so please don’t freak out . . .”
She claps her hand over her mouth and there’s panic in her eyes. “Oh God, what is it? Are you moving away?”
“What? No!”
“Do you have some rare incurable disease?”
“Hey, hey, hey . . .” I say gripping her arm. “It’s nothing bad. Why did you assume it was?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because you’re stuttering and you look like you’re either going to throw up or cry.”
I laugh, and then laugh harder until I roll over and hold my stomach. I’m so fucking smooth. For the first time I’m going to tell a girl that I love her and she thinks I’m going to throw up instead.
“Why are you laughing at me?” she asks with a frown. “Now I’m getting annoyed.”
“No, don’t get annoyed. I’m laughing at myself, not you, and I’m an idiot.” I roll back on my side to face her.
“So what’s going on?”
“It’s just that—”
“Stop,” she says placing her hands on either side of my face. “It’s me. Elle. Just tell me.”
“I love you,” I blurt out.
She looks at me kind-of stunned. Maybe she isn’t clear on this yet.
I shake my head in frustration. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m in love with you—that kind of love. You know, the deep kind of love that people write songs about.” I place my hand on my chest.
She gets quiet and glances down. “Oh, I see. You’re in love with me.”
My stomach twists up as I wait for her to look back up. “Is that a bad thing?”
She narrows her eyes as she studies me. “Is this a new thing? I mean, did you just figure it out and now think it will mess everything up or something?”
I swallow hard. I have to be honest. “No, I’ve known for a pretty long time.”
“Why did you wait so long to tell me?”
“Well, I was going to tell you, but when we found out you were pregnant it wasn’t the right time. I guess after that we had to find our footing again with so much changing. I was waiting for the right moment.”
“I see.”
“I’m starting to realize that maybe this wasn’t the right moment.”
She gives me a little smile and inches closer to me. “Maybe it was exactly the right moment.”
She silently stares at me for a long time, or at least it feels that way. Then I notice there are tears starting to stream down her face.
I reach over to brush one away. “What is it, Elle?”
“I’m in love with you, too,” she whispers.
“Are you crying because that’s a bad thing?”
She sniffles. “No, it’s because I never thought that someone would love me again, especially the way you do.”
“Oh, baby,” I whisper as I pull her into my arms. “You’re amazing. How could I not fall in love with you?”
She answers with a kiss that shows me she loves me even if she hadn’t said the words.
I answer back by easing on top of her so I can feel her underneath me when I return the kiss, and I make sure it’s one she’ll remember.
“So this is a good thing,” I say when our lips part.
“Definitely.”
“And is this a good thing?” I kiss her again and adjust my body between her legs as she slowly eases them apart. My cock seems to slide into her of its own free will, like it knows where it should be. Maybe I gave it a little help, and she did too, but still it was cool it felt so natural.
“Such a good thing,” she whispers. She has a vulnerable look in her eyes and I see that the tears haven’t stopped. I kiss them away and then move to her lips where the kisses continue as I slowly make love to my Elle.
I think this kind of lovemaking is new for both of us—there’s nothing hard about it yet the passion is even more intense without being wild. It’s as if our bodies are confirming the thoughts we shared. I’m acutely aware of the way she’s touching me, like I’m a treasure she’s unwrapped.
All of it is such a turn-on, and I’m stunned to realize that I’m close to coming and we never put on a condom. I lift up on my arms and she looks down to where I’m sliding in and out of her, and she gasps. She circles the base of my cock with her fingers and then strokes herself.
“Oh, Paul, I’m so close,” she says with wide eyes.
I swallow thickly. “Me too, baby, but we don’t have a condom on.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t worry. My doctor put me on the pill.”
“So we’re okay?”
She nods and continues to stroke herself. The flush is running down from her cheeks, along her neck and over her chest.
She nods and bites her lip as the intensity builds, drawing each other to our edge. I’m so deep inside of her.
“Oh my God, Paul,” she cries.
I can feel everything; it’s powerful, not just her starting to come but how this is more. This is love.
I don’t speed up, so as I come inside of her every sensation is amplified. It’s crazy intense, and for a second I wonder if my heart has stopped, but then I realize that it’s wildly beating.
When our gazes meet, I sense that she realizes everything between us has shifted. I understand now why this love thing is such a big deal. It’s an opening of your heart, and you have to be brave because it’s magnificent but terrifying, too.
The only thing I know for sure is that from this moment on nothing will ever be the same.
Chapter Twenty-One
THE BALANCING ACT
We fall asleep and when we wake up I realize that we’re not just stuck to the sheets, but to each other. As I try to peel myself off of her, I laugh and she opens her eyes.
“Where you going?”
I flop back down. “I had this idea that I’d go find some food in your kitchen, but I can’t be bothered.”
“You hungry?”
I nod and rub my hands over my face and through my hair. “Yeah. I should probably take a shower too but I don’t have any clean clothes with me. I’m going to have to leave some in your closet so I’m prepared after our next marathon. I’ll be one of those guys who brings over a few things at a time and suddenly I’m living here.”
She tips her head as she looks at me. She suddenly feels far away.
What’s that about?
“Hey, you’ll come to dinner at the folks this Thursday, right?”
She glances over at the clock. “I think I can come. Let me check my schedule.”
She has to check her schedule?
She smooths the sheets over her legs. “Do your parents know?”
“Know what?”
She waves her hand back and forth between us. “You know . . .”
“That I’m in love with you?”
She nods.
“Yes, they do. I’ve got to warn you, now that we’re together Ma is really going to amp up the marriage thing.”
There’s that faraway look again.
“Oh.”
“Is something wrong?”
“I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Like everything is moving so fast. You know I haven’t wanted to be in a relationship.”
I feel like she just kicked me in the gut, and I reel back. “Are you saying that hasn’t changed?”
“Not exactly. I love you, truly I do, and the sex . . . well, it’s phenomenal. But that doesn’t mean I want to suddenly set up house and be a full-on couple.”
The blood in my veins goes cold. “What do you want?”
“I don’t know . . .”
“I think you do.”
Looking up at me, her expression is hopeful as she bites her thumbnail. “I was thinking we can be like we’ve always been, but with sex.”