“By the way, Bill, any ideas about those fives and tens in the flower collection lately?”
“No. But that’s good, isn’t it?”
“I guess.”
Thanks to the honor system and to my young curate (as he then was) for his faith in it, in me, and in people (of whose magnanimity I confess I saw only the tip of the iceberg), I now have no money problems, I let God do the bookkeeping, I eat like a horse, I drink like a fish, I sleep like a log, I wish everybody did, or, anyway, wouldn’t call me at all hours of the night. “St Francis.”
“You’re St Francis, I’m Lyndon B. Johnson.”
“It’s a deal. What’s on your mind, Lyndon?”
“Been readin’ the Good Book and don’t like how you’re runnin’ things over there.”
“That so?”
“Hate your methodology.”
“I’m beating my breast. What else can I do for you?”
“Ask not what you can do for me. Ask what you can do for yourself.”
“O.K. What?”
“You need a role model. We all do. Yours may not be mine. Mine may not be yours.”
“Who’s yours?”
“Talkin’ about yours. Know who it should be?”
“Offhand, no.”
“Give you a clue. He’s right out of the Good Book and so’s his methodology.”
“Hit me again, Lyndon.”
“You should be his assistant.”
Joe pushed the button, terminating the call, and left the phone off the cradle. “The Repeater,” he said to Bill, and then, since Bill was going to bed: “Some woman and her husband phoned to complain about you — and true charity.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’d go easy on that if I were you, Bill. Remember what Our Lord said about celibacy, and what somebody else said about reality — not that they’re the same, though maybe they are — few can take it.”
Bill, after a moment of introspection, nodded. “See what you mean, Joe. Thanks. Actually, I knew that. G’night, Joe.”
“G’night, Bill.”
The next afternoon, a few minutes after Joe called a number and gave his own to the answering service and hung up, his phone rang. “St Francis.”
“Dom, Father.”
“Oh, Dom. Say, a friend of mine wants the price on Gene.”
“For the nomination, Father?”
“And the election.”
“Both, Father?”
“Both, Dom.”
“Father, how much your friend want?”
“Just a g, Dom. He’s got a cash-flow problem.”
“Hold on, Father.”
Joe, holding on, heard a knock, but it was next door.
“Come in,” Joe heard Bill say.
“You Hackett?” Joe heard a man say.
“Me Schmidt—Father Schmidt,” Bill said. (Nice going, Joe thought, hit him again.) “Father Hackett’s in the other office.”
“Entrez,” Joe said to the knock at his door — a young man with a briefcase. “Sit down. I’ll be with you in a minute. Yes, Dom.”
“Nomination ten, election even, Father.”
“Hmmm. My friend was hoping you’d do better, Dom — on the election.”
“Sorry, Father. But that’s where your friend could collect.”
“Dom, what about a parlay — a double?”
“Hold on, Father.”
“What’s on your mind?” Joe asked the young man.
“State Board of Health.” The young man got up, with his wallet out, evidently meaning to show Joe his identification.
Joe waved him down. “Dom, would you mind repeating that?”
“Eleven and six to five, Father.”
“That’s it, huh?”
“Best I can do, Father. Vigorish.”
“You’d lay it off?”
“The second leg, if there is one, Father. Your friend know something?”
“Just what a little bird told him, Dom. I don’t put much stock in it myself.”
“Father, if I have to insure it I won’t get no six to five.”
“O.K., Dom. My friend wants in.”
“One g on Gene, eleven and six to five, parlay.”
“Right. Nice talking to you, Dom.”
“Nice talking to you, Father.”
Joe, doing some calculations, found that he stood to win a little better than a third of his assessment. “Sorry,” he said, “to keep you waiting. What is it? Something about the school?”
The young man got up again, though Joe waved him down, and flapped his wallet open for Joe to read.
“George Z. Barnhart,” Joe read, aloud, and asked, “What’s the Z for?”
Mr Barnhart, saying “Mind if I close this?” closed the door between the offices.
Whereupon Joe said, “No, go right ahead,” but couldn’t see that this had any effect on the man, obviously one of the new prehistoric types. “What’s it all about, sir?”
Mr Barnhart had sat down and unzipped his briefcase, from which he took a document. “I am authorized to read you the following regulations. ‘Gonorrhea, syphilis, and chancroid, hereinafter designated venereal diseases, are hereby declared to be contagious, infectious, communicable, and dangerous to the public health. It shall be the duty of every person who makes a diagnosis of, or gives treatment for, a case of gonorrhea, syphilis, or chancroid, to report immediately to the State Board of Health on a form supplied for the purpose, the name and address, age, sex, color, occupation, marital status, and probable source of infection of such diseased person together with such other information as may be required. Local health officers are hereby directed to use every available means to ascertain the existence of, and immediately to investigate, all known or suspected cases of gonorrhea, syphilis, or chancroid, within their respective districts and to ascertain the sources of such infections. In such investigations said health officers are hereby vested with full power of inspection, isolation, or quarantine, and disinfection of all infected persons, places, and things. It shall be a violation of these regulations for any infected person knowingly to expose another person to infection with any of the said venereal diseases or any person knowingly to perform an act which exposes another person to infection with venereal disease. All persons reasonably suspected of having a venereal disease shall submit to an examination as shall be deemed necessary by the State Board of Health, provided that where such examination is of a personal nature it shall be made only by a licensed physician. All persons infected with a venereal disease shall continue under treatment or proper observation until no longer able to transmit the infection. In the case of chancroid this shall be until all ulcerations are completely healed. Whenever a case or suspected case of venereal disease is found on premises used for immoral purposes, or whenever a case of venereal disease is found upon premises where it cannot be properly isolated or controlled, or where the infected person will not consent to removal to a hospital or sanatorium where he or she can be properly isolated or controlled during the period of infectiousness, the health officer or representative of the State Board of Health shall put in a conspicuous place on the entrance to the premises where such venereal disease exists, a notice in words as follows: Warning, Venereal Disease Exists on These Premises, Posted by order of Health Officer (name and date). Such notice shall be printed in black boldface type upon a red card with the words Venereal Disease in letters not less than three inches high.’” Mr Barnhart produced such a red card from his briefcase and flashed it at Joe. “Any questions?”