“You were a plump little thing back then,” she finally said. “All cheeks and round belly. I never imagined you would become such a beauty.”
Kitty’s tongue finally loosened. “I suppose I am to take that as a compliment.”
The lady studied her thoughtfully. “Why have you come here, child?”
“Could you never have any of your own?” She did not pause for niceties. There were none in her heart. “Is that why you chose a man who already had his own family? Because you could not conceive a child and did not wish to ally yourself with a man who expected children? You were young when your husband died, after all. You could have married again.”
Mrs. Graves’s lips pursed. “You are impertinent. But you have clearly given this a great deal of thought.”
“I have wondered all these years.” Kitty clasped her hands over her own useless womb. “I wish to know finally.”
The lady regarded her for a long moment, her eyes ever cool.
“He did give me a family. Yours.” She assessed Kitty again, this time only her face, but her gaze was penetrating. “I knew you when you were a babe, when you were a girl, and when you grew nearly to womanhood. Then he died and I haven’t known a thing about you since, except what I read in the papers and hear through the gossips.” She gestured about her drawing room as though indicating the women who had just left. “The same with your brothers, of course.” Her lips grew stiff. “Do you think a woman could wish to have a family in that manner?”
“He never cared about us. Or even you, I think,” Kitty heard herself say. “He could not have been a caring person and have done what he did to my mother. He was a hard man.”
“But a constant one.”
“To one too many women.”
“I loved him, you know. With my whole heart.”
“That,” Kitty said through clenched teeth, “does not excuse you.”
Mrs. Graves stood, a small woman, compact and exquisitely elegant.
“Spend your life hating me, child, if you wish. You will not be the first.” She moved past Kitty and out of the chamber.
Kitty rode home blindly, tears clogging her eyes that she strove to hide from passersby. She hurried up the stairs to her bedchamber, nearly stumbling on the steps. But her mother sat in her room, staring out the window. She looked around and her elegant features fell into sorrow.
“My dearest daughter.” She sighed.
“I paid a call on Mrs. Graves.”
The dowager’s eyes widened. “Whatever for?”
“Whatever for? Mama.” Moisture trickled down Kitty’s cheeks. She tore off her gloves already ruined by tears and swiped them across her eyes. But without the shield of tears through which to see her mother, she found the compassionate, wise brown eyes too much to bear. She turned away, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth. “She told me I could choose to hate her my entire life, if I wished, but that I would not be the first.”
“You would not. She is a lady of influence in some circles and has enemies. But none of them is I.”
Kitty swung around. “What do you mean, not you?” She shook her head. “You have never spoken with her in society. You have never called on her. You never even spoke of her to me except that once.”
“Kitty dear, it would not have mattered if I had. She and I are nothing alike and I daresay would have little to speak about if we did meet in society.”
Kitty stared. “Then you did not cut her because of Papa?”
“I never cut her at all.”
“You did! We have been at the same balls and parties with her on any number of occasions.”
“We avoid one another, it is true.”
Kitty sucked in breath. “But why don’t you hate her?” she exclaimed, her voice breaking.
“Why should I? I had what I wished from your father, three wonderful children and several comfortable homes. She did not hurt me.”
“But—but, Mama.” Kitty’s insides twisted. “Those months you sent me to Barbados with Alex and Aaron, when Papa rusticated Alex for whatever indiscretion he’d committed that time…” After so many years, the words stumbled from her. “Why did you send me there, Mama, all alone, with only my governess, if not because you were fighting to win him back?”
The dowager’s face went still, only her eyes alight with feeling now.
“I was fighting then still. You are correct. I still hoped. But not to win his heart, only to win a certain measure of discretion from him.” Finally her brow wrinkled. “He was taking her about in society a great deal in those days, and I was to bring you out soon. I did not want your first season colored by gossips’ wagging tongues. I fought for months to force him to cease publicly flaunting their alliance, and I won.”
“At my expense. You left me alone and Lambert Poole used me.”
The dowager’s throat worked. “I could not have known that would occur at the time.”
“Why,” Kitty whispered. “Why did you never speak of it to me?”
“I did not truly realize the extent of the injury until after your first season.”
“After I let him finally ruin me.”
“You are never ruined, Katherine.” The dowager’s voice was stern, her eyes suddenly flashing.
“You have a spirit within you that cannot be cowed by any man, or even a woman. Or all of society.
You must always remember that. No matter what another person may do to you or say of you, your heart is your own.”
“Do you know, I have sometimes thought—sometimes, that I did that to him because I couldn’t do it to Papa. I could not hurt Papa like he hurt you by allowing that woman to come first with him. So I hurt another man instead.” Kitty’s whole body shook. She knelt at her mother’s feet and laid her head upon her lap. “Oh, Mama, I am so unhappy.”
She wept. Softly her mother stroked her hair.
“Mama,” she finally whispered when the tears had slowed. “I want what you had. I want a family of my own. I do not want to become her.”
“You needn’t become her. You are still young enough to have a splendid family. You might yet fill a nursery.”
She lifted her head and sat back on her heels, wiping her cheeks.
“I cannot conceive a child. There. I have said it to you. It is proven I cannot.”
Her mother’s face stiffened. “How is it proven?”
“I was with Lambert many times, Mama. At first it was because I loved him and believed he would marry me. After it became clear that he wished only for Alex to suffer through my ruination, I devised a plan of revenge. I determined to do whatever I must to learn his secrets so that someday I might publish them to the world and bring him shame. I allowed him to believe I still loved him and I continued to allow him liberties. In this way, on occasion, I gained access to his personal chambers.”
Her mother’s cheeks were white. “For how long did this persist, Kitty? Until last summer when he was exposed?”
“No.” Until three years ago when a Scottish lord laid his beautiful gaze upon her and she began to imagine a manner of living free of twisted anger and pretense. “But for long enough.”
The dowager’s voice quieted. “I knew of the first occasion only. That night when you came to me in tears, I realized what you were not able to tell me directly.”
“I suspected so. I did not imagine you would allow me to remain unwed unless you understood that I was no longer fit to be a gentleman’s bride.” She took a trembling breath. “I saw a physician, and Lambert even showed me proof of his own ability to father children. I shan’t have a family of my own.
But I will be happy to be aunt to Alex and Serena’s children.”
Her mother studied her for a moment, then touched her fingertip to Kitty’s chin and lifted her face to the light.