She smiled warmly at him, and his chest did that weird seize that seemed to occur with more frequency the longer he was around her. “I’d like that,” she said, her eyes glowing softly. “Micah and David usually worked out with me, and believe me, they were grueling taskmasters! But I have to admit, they whipped me into better shape and they also taught me self-defense moves.”
Swanny had to work to keep the scowl from forming on his face at the mention of the other two men. Hell, he’d take over any self-defense training. Him and only him, for that matter.
“You can show me your moves,” he said, pushing away the jealousy that threatened to choke him. “I can always work with you when we have the time.”
Her eyes twinkled mischievously. “Why, Swanny, if you keep this up I’m going to think you actually want to spend time with me.”
“I think we’ve established the fact that I like spending time with you,” he said in a quiet tone. “I worried about getting in way over my head, but if I’m going to be honest, I think I’m already there.”
Pleasure spread over her pretty features, her cheeks dusty pink. “I’m glad I’m not the only one then,” she said huskily. “I’m not some vamp on the make here, Swanny. I need you to know that. If you weren’t . . . special . . . then I wouldn’t be in this room with you. I wouldn’t have gone to such lengths to put myself out there the way I did and risk rejection. It wasn’t easy. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”
Swanny’s heart softened as he saw the honesty and sincerity shining in her eyes. The idea that he had the power to hurt this woman utterly baffled him. He was going to have to pull his head out of his ass and do everything in his power to assure her that her attraction was not one-sided and that he had no intention of rejecting her or rejecting anything she offered him.
“I’ve handled all of this badly,” Swanny said, allowing his remorse to bleed over into his words. “And I’m sorry for that, Eden. You have to understand, this is new to me. And just as you said it wasn’t easy for you, it’s definitely not easy for me either. The idea that a woman like you has any interest in me . . .” He broke off and shook his head, still bewildered by it all.
She slid over on the couch so her left knee touched his right knee where he sat in the armchair diagonal to the sofa, their dinner spread out on the coffee table. She slid her hand up his leg, gently giving him a squeeze.
It wasn’t a sexual move and yet his entire body went on alert the moment her heat seeped through his jeans. He felt every part of her touch. It burned a trail up his leg, ending where her hand came to rest and where she left it as she looked up at him.
“Any woman who doesn’t see you as I do is a fool,” she said in a determined voice. “I don’t say things I don’t mean, Swanny. Not even to make someone feel better. I think you’re beautiful and I’m very attracted to you. I don’t go around blurting out stuff like that to men I don’t know. Or men I do know, for that matter,” she amended. “So this is definitely new territory for me, and it’s a little scary because you could so easily hurt me. And I’m not saying that to make you feel any obligation to give me something you don’t want. I just need you to understand that to me you’re something special. Maybe I don’t know everything about you. Yet. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to learn. I’d like to think I at least have a chance with you.”
This was a dream. An elaborate fantasy that he’d wake up from any moment now. He stared at Eden, knowing it was his turn to lay it out. That it had taken a lot of courage for her to be so forthright. He owed that back to her. But his tongue felt heavy and he couldn’t form the words. His throat felt like it was closing in on itself.
Her eyes flickered, that same brief hurt he’d witnessed before, and she started to withdraw, pulling her hand away. Goddamn it, he wasn’t going to do this to her again. He had to get with the program and start talking now.
He caught her hand, holding it tightly in his much larger one. It was a fascinating contrast, her tiny bone structure compared to his much larger frame. She had a delicateness to her that fired his protective instincts. Like if he didn’t handle her with infinite care, he could break her—hurt her—and he’d die before ever causing her a moment’s pain.
And yet that was precisely what he was doing by his boneheadedness. He was hurting her. Just not physically. A woman would only put herself out there so much before she gave up, and damn it, he didn’t want her to give up on him. He had to get his shit together and man up and quit acting like a moron who’d never been with a woman.
“I don’t pretend to understand what you could possibly see in me,” he said hoarsely. “I can’t even wrap my head around it. God only knows I have nothing to offer you.”
“I only want one thing, Swanny,” she said gently. “You. Just you.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
She shrugged. “It is. I mean, it can be as simple or as difficult as we make it. I don’t know how to make you understand that my feelings are sincere. I know you don’t trust me yet. But I do trust you.”
“I’ve done nothing to deserve it or you,” he said bluntly. “I’ve been a complete asshole and I’m sorry, Eden. You have no idea how sorry I am to have hurt you twice now. You deserve so much more than me.”
Her lips quivered into a faint smile. “You’re repeating yourself, Swanny. You keep saying the same things. Stop analyzing why and figure out if you want me as much as I want you. That’s the only real issue here. Everything else can be worked around.”
“Hell yes, I want you,” he bit out. “I can’t think for wanting you. You’ve consumed my thoughts since the very first time I saw you walk into that hotel room where we met.”
Her smile broadened and delight formed in her eyes. “Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Finally!”
He sighed. “I’m not normally such an idiot. I’m not stupid. Except when it comes to you, apparently. But you have this effect on me that I can’t even explain. I keep asking myself, why me? What does a woman like you possibly see in me?”
She leaned forward and cupped a hand to his scarred cheek, lightly caressing the ridges and the puckered skin. “You keep saying ‘a woman like me,’ but turn that around for a minute. Don’t you think I’m asking myself what a man like you could possibly see in me? You’re a hero. You’re a survivor. You help people for a living. You put your life on the line for others, and that takes a very special person to be that selfless. What could you possibly want with a woman who makes her living selling her looks and her body? You’re paid to save lives, and I’m paid to look pretty and sell a product. So who’s the better person here?”
The way she very matter-of-factly levied her opinion of him blew his mind. Whether he agreed with her assessment or not, it was evident that she was absolutely sincere in her thoughts and her analysis of him and his character. He felt like a complete fraud. Because he felt that what she was seeing or what she thought she saw was not the real Swanny.
Whatever lens she viewed him through was faulty. Was she merely temporarily infatuated with him? Perhaps intrigued by him? And what would happen when she realized that he wasn’t all she seemed to think he was?
He’d prefer never to become involved with her rather than to become emotionally and physically involved with her only to see the way she viewed him change and to see the light dim in her gaze when she looked at him and really saw him for what he was. Flawed. Far from perfect. Still dealing with the demons of his past and the shame over his weakness during his captivity and how very close he came to giving up. The physical scars were certainly no cakewalk, but worse were the scars no one could see. The ones he could feel, ones that would always be there inside him, a stain on his soul.