He hung his head and she reached out to stroke his hair. “Will, tell me what has happened.”
He sighed heavily, then nodded. “Well, okay, it’s like this. When we were in Bokagul I liked her. We were friends. She’s closer to my age than any of the rest of you, except for Kerrigan, and he’s okay, but there are times he’s talking and I recognize words but I don’t have any idea of what he’s talking about. But Sayce didn’t see me as some little thief, but as a hero, so she talked to me differently. I mean, you and Crow and everyone but Resolute talk nice to me, too, but I guess it was just different with her. I liked talking with her. I liked it a lot. And then when she went down, well, I was angry and bleeding and said what I said and I don’t have any idea what it was or why it worked, but it did and she was saved. Then when I talked to her while she was recovering, she was grateful and she ran her fingers in my hair and, well, I liked that, too.”
Alyx forced herself to keep a sympathetic expression on her face. She wanted to smile broadly because Will’s angst was achingly innocent and funny, but to him it was anything but. “No reason you wouldn’t like it, Will.”
He nodded. “Okay, then on the ride to Caledo we talked more, and that was good, but then when we got here, well…” Will’s expression got solemn and he grabbed her right hand. “You have to promise me you won’t say anything, you have to promise.”
“I promise.”
“Okay, okay. So when we got here Sayce came to me. In my room, and she stayed with me. And she did that the next night and even last night. And, and… I think she loves me and I like her fine, but, I don’t love her, and I think she thinks I love her and when I have to go away…” His voice shrank to a squeak. “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
Alexia felt ice sluice through her midsection. She and Crow had spent the nights in Caledo together and had bravely acknowledged that their being apart was necessitated by circumstances. Each had fingered their rings, cherishing the link that gave them to each other. They remembered the pledge to avenge the other’s death, but both felt confident that they would never have to do so.
The hopelessness in Will’s voice just ripped open the sack of all the emotions she’d been tucking away. Fear of losing Crow, of never seeing him again, pounded her. Fear of his dying in pain, of her dying without seeing him, without having the comfort of his arms, lashed her. Just the sense of emptiness transferred from a cold, lonely bed into her heart made her gasp.
Will looked up. “What’s wrong? What did I do?”
“Nothing, Will, nothing.” She gave him a brave smile. “Is what you are asking, ‘What do I say to Sayce when we part?’”
He nodded. “You have to help me.” He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. “All the songs only deal with true love, where they can’t bear to be apart and where you know they’ll be reunited, or one of them will die really, really horribly and the other will die of a broken heart, or forever love the other until they’re reunited in some other life or something like that. But, as for my situation… Nothing.”
“Your situation is too real to make for a good song.”
His hands came away and he stared at her. “Took me hours staring at the ceiling last night to figure that one out.”
“I’m not helping, I know.” She drew in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “If you think she’s really in love with you, wait… Are you sure you’re not in love with her?”
“Well, according to the songs…”
“Forget the songs. What do you feel inside?”
He shook his head. “I’m all confused. I mean, I was confused about Chytrine and being the Norrington and everything, but by comparison, I’ve got that all figured out clean. Do you love Crow? How do you know? What do you feel?”
Alyx started to answer, but words froze on her tongue. A host of emotions tightened her throat, but brought with it a smile that sparked the hint of one on Will’s face. “I feel everything, Will. Mostly, I guess, I feel as if he’s the answer to questions I never knew to ask. Wants and needs I didn’t know I had, he fulfills. He’s as vital to me as the air or wine or food.”
The thief smiled. “Now that is the kind of stuff mentioned in the songs.”
“But not what you feel for Sayce?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. I mean, I like her. She is my friend and I like being around her. I’ll miss her and everything, but…”
Alyx nodded. “Any chance you will come to love her? The songs talk about folks growing into it, as I recall.”
“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe.” He shrugged. “That’s what makes it difficult, don’t you see? She loves me, and if I say I don’t love her, I break her heart and then if I do love her… But she shouldn’t be loving me. Sometimes I don’t think it’s me she loves, but the Norrington. She loves the guy who saved her, who will save her nation. She sees a me that I don’t know is me, you know?“
The princess smiled softly at him. “I know. When I meet my people, the Okrans exiles, they look at me that same sort of way. They expect much, learn to love their vision of the person who will fulfill their expectations. That’s not me, but trying to change their minds would be impossible.”
“So, you’re saying that there’s nothing I can tell her?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Alyx frowned. “What I’m saying is this: you and Sayce are each going to be heading out on very dangerous missions. There is no guarantee that either of you, or Crow or I, will survive. Times like these, we all need our friends. If she loves you, and if you could learn to love her, letting her think you love her isn’t bad. There will be enough pain out there for all of us that we don’t need to be creating more.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I should lie?”
“You ask that question with a lot more ease than makes me comfortable, Will.”
“Well, in the Dimandowns, truth was kind of squishy. Lying was just self-preservation.”
“No, I don’t think you should lie, but I don’t think you need to close any doors. It could very well be that if we are successful…”
“When we are successful.”
“When, yes, when we are successful, you could come back to that lake she gave you and raise a brood of children and live happily ever after.”
Will grinned. “I like the idea of being the King of Oriosa better.”
“I’d rather have you on that throne, too.”
“But I guess what you’re saying makes sense. If I die out there, or she dies out there, there’s no harm in being loved or thinking you’re loved. Might make things a bit easier.”
“Hey.” She leaned forward and caught a handful of his tunic. “No dying out there. Not you, not Crow, not Resolute, not any of you.”
Will grinned broadly. “Okay, so no dying with you or Sayce or Kerrigan or Peri, right? Deal?”
“Deal.” Alyx gave him a wink. “You’ll need to figure out what to say to her and when.”
“I know. I’ll work on that.”
“In the middle of the night?”
“Probably.” He stood, then abruptly leaned down and kissed her on the top of the head. “Thank you.”
Alyx stood and gathered Will into a hug. “Glad to be of help. Don’t want you preoccupied when you’re supposed to be out there stopping the supply of firedirt that’s going to be used against me.”
“Just make sure you don’t let them get to my castle on the lake, okay?” He freed himself from her embrace, then shot her a quick salute. “If you need to use it, though, feel free.”
“Good luck, Will.”
The young thief shook his head. “Save the luck for yourself. I’m the Nor-rington, remember? I don’t require anything more than that.”