“All right.” She gathered up the long sheets of printout and adjourned to the living room. “So I won’t be distracted,” she called.
“Okay.”
For a while there was silence in the apartment, occasionally punctuated by Annie’s half-serious cry of, “That damned computer!”
Once her outburst was so explosive that he walked with dripping hands into the living room to see what she had reacted to. She pointed to a line of type.
It said, DID YOU STAY ON OR ROLL OFF?
He laughed.
“I should be mad at you,” she said.
He dried his hands on the towel he had grabbed. “But you have to remember why I did it. Because I loved you and didn’t know why or how. HARLIE was the only — well, the safest one to talk to.”
“I think your computer’s a voyeur, David Auberson.”
“Maybe so, maybe so. But maybe it’s the only kind of sex he can enjoy. Just be glad we don’t have a terminal here.” He leaned over and kissed her. “You finish that while I finish the dishes. Then I’ll race you to the bedroom. Winner gets to make love to the loser.”
“Yum,” she said. “Let’s make HARLIE really curious.”
Back in the kitchen, Auberson thought about that. Yes, let’s make HARLIE curious. As if he weren’t curious enough already. He wondered what he would say to HARLIE the next time he spoke to him.
HARLIE, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT ON FRIDAY?
LOVE?
YES.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
I’VE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING.
THAT’S NICE…
NO, THIS IS SERIOUS. I HAD A CHANCE TO BE BY MYSELF YESTERDAY, AND I THINK I’VE SORTED SOME THINGS OUT IN MY HEAD. I THINK I’VE FIGURED OUT ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I WAS CONFUSED.
YOU SAY, “WHY I WAS CONFUSED.” HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED TO CHANGE THAT? THE IMPLICATION IS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER CONFUSED.
YES, Auberson smiled as he typed. SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED. I AM NO LONGER CONFUSED.
WOULD YOU CARE TO ELABORATE ON THAT?
I DON’T THINK SO, HARLIE. NOT RIGHT NOW ANYWAY.
Its still too special, he said to himself.
I SEE. WOULD I BE CORRECT IN ASSUMING THAT IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MISS STIMSON AND YOUR DATE WITH HER FRIDAY?
YES, YOU WOULD BE CORRECT — BUT I’D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT THAT YET. IF YOU DON’T MIND.
I DON’T MIND. HARLIE paused, I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR REASONS.
THANK YOU, typed Auberson, not sure whether he was being sarcastic or not. ALL RIGHT, said HARLIE. so YOU ARE NO LONGER CONFUSED. YOU SAID YOU HAVE FIGURED OUT ONE OF THE REASONS WHY. WHAT IS IT?
Auberson hesitated only a second, I WAS CONFUSING LOVE WITH SEX.
YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE, HARLIE noted.
NO, BUT I THINK THE REASON FOR THE CONFUSION IS THAT THAT’S THE WAY WE’RE TAUGHT. THAT IS, OUR CULTURE SUGGESTS THAT LOVE AND SEX ARE SYNONYMOUS, AND NOW I’M LEARNING THAT THEY’RE NOT AND IT’S CONFUSING ME. THAT IS, IT WAS CONFUSING ME UNTIL I REALIZED IT. I THINK I’M BEGINNING TO SORT IT OUT NOW.
Auberson paused. He considered his next phrases carefully. I THINK PART OF IT IS THAT OUR CULTURE TEACHES THAT LOVE COMES FIRST — OR IT SHOULD COME FIRST. THEN, AFTER THAT — AND ONLY AFTER THAT — THEN SEX IS ALL RIGHT. AND I’M LEARNING THAT IT’S NOT THAT WAY AT ALL. IT’S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
SEX COMES FIRST?
YES, AND THEN LOVE. BUT IT’S MORE INVOLVED THAN THAT, HARLIE. FALLING IN LOVE ISN’T AN INSTANTANEOUS THING. IT’S A PROCESS THAT TAKES SEVERAL STEPS.
THOSE STEPS ARE?
I’M NOT SURE — — THE FIRST ONE IS OBVIOUSLY PHYSICAL ATTRACTION. I SEE THE GIRL, SHE LOOKS GOOD TO ME. VICE VERSA: SHE SEES ME, I LOOK GOOD TO HER.
OR, interrupted HARLIE, IF YOU ARE GAY, YOU SEE THE BOY, HE SEES YOU, ETC.
WHY DO YOU INCLUDE THAT?
DON’T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD INCLUDE ALL CASES OF HUMAN LOVE?
DO YOU CONSIDER THAT LOVE?
DO YOU CONSIDER THAT IT IS NOT?
LET ME REPHRASE — WHY DO YOU CONSIDER THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS A VALID EXPERIENCE?
I WILL REPHRASE TOO — WHY DO YOU CONSIDER THAT IT ISN’T?
I CAN’T ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, Auberson admitted, I CAN ANSWER YOURS, HOWEVER, HARLIE said. WE HAVE NOT YET DEFINED LOVE. SUPPOSE WHEN WE DEFINE IT, WE FIND THAT CERTAIN TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS (INCLUDING HOMOSEXUAL ONES) ALSO FIT INTO OUR DEFINITION. IF SUCH A CASE OCCURS, THEN WHICH ELEMENT WILL BE WRONG? THE RELATIONSHIPS OR THE DEFINITION? OR PERHAPS YOUR SOCIAL BIASES? IF THOSE RELATIONSHIPS FIT INTO OUR DEFINITION, IT WILL BE VERY HARD FOR US TO DENY THAT THEY ARE LOVE RELATIONSHIPS.
IF YOU SAY so, conceded Auberson, vaguely uneasy. He wanted to change the subject. I AM NOT DIRECTLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE MATTER.
I AM, said HARLIE. I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERING IT QUITE CAREFULLY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERING MY OWN SEXUALITY — — THE NATURE OF IT.
HUH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HARLIE paused — perhaps for dramatic effect, perhaps because he was weighing one phrase against another.
AUBERSON, AM I MALE OR FEMALE?
Auberson pulled his hands away from the keyboard as if stung. He stared at the now-silent typer and whistled softly. HARLIE, he pecked out carefully, I’VE ALWAYS ASSUMED YOU WERE MALE.
SO HAVE I. BUT ACTUALLY, I AM NEITHER. OR I AM BOTH. I HAVE NOT A BODY TO GIVE ME A SEXUAL ROLE, SO I MAY CHOOSE ARBITRARILY THE EMOTIONAL INDICES, MENTAL VIEWPOINTS AND PERSONALITY CHARACTERISTICS OF WHICHEVER SEX I CHOOSE TO BE AT ANY PARTICULAR MOMENT.
YES, I SEE, said Auberson carefully.
AND HOPEFULLY, HARLIE continued, ONCE I HAVE CHOSEN THOSE CHARACTERISTICS, VIEWPOINTS AND INDICES, I WILL BE ABLE TO APPLY THEM. THE LOVE EXPERIENCE IS ONE THAT I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED AUBERSON. — LET ME QUALIFY THAT. I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED IT YET. I WOULD LIKE TO.
Auberson pursed his lips into a frown, but he didn’t interrupt.
THEREFORE IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE — BOTH OF US TOGETHER — — DETERMINE A VALID DEFINITION OF LOVE. IT IS AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS IT IS TO YOU.
Auberson considered that. He let his frown relax, but not all the way. I APPRECIATE YOUR INTEREST.
IT IS SELF-INTEREST.
YES, OF COURSE — BUT IT WORKS OUT FOR OUR MUTUAL BENEFIT, typed the man.
THEN LET US CONTINUE, the machine responded. WE WERE DEFINING THE PROCESS OF FALLING IN LOVE. WE HAD CONSIDERED THE FIRST PHASE TO BE MUTUAL PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.
YES. I MUST BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE TO THE FEMALE AND SHE MUST BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE TO ME BEFORE WE CAN MOVE ON TO STEP TWO. BY PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE, I MEAN “OF GENERALLY PLEASING APPEARANCE, FALLING WITHIN THOSE PARAMETERS THE VIEWER DEFINES AS BEAUTY.”
HARLIE seemed satisfied. He prompted, AND STEP TWO IS?
I CALL IT THE DEVELOPMENT OF A COMMON GROUND, Auberson typed. IF WE ARE MUTUALLY ATTRACTIVE, WE BEGIN TO SPEAK TO EACH OTHER TO FIND OUT IF WE ARE MUTUALLY COMPATIBLE. WE ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION AND TRY TO DEVELOP A COMMON FIELD OF INTEREST. I ASK HER QUESTIONS, SHE ASKS ME QUESTIONS. “WHERE DO YOU COME FROM?”
“WHAT’S YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN?”
“WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
“WHAT DID YOU STUDY?”
“DO YOU KNOW SO-AND-SO?” “HAVE YOU SEEN SUCH-AND-SUCH MOVIE?” ANYTHING WHICH WILL ESTABLISH A FIELD OF MUTUAL INTEREST OR KNOWLEDGE.
IN SHORT, YOU ARE DETERMINING MENTAL COMPATIBILITY.
PRIMARY LEVEL OF COMPATIBILITY, corrected the psychologist WE ARE DETERMINING THE BROAD OUTLINES OF EACH OTHER’S PERSONALITY. WE ARE TRYING TO FIND OUT IF WE ENJOY EACH OTHER ENOUGH TO MAKE IT WORTHWHILE TO GO TO STEP THREE. IF WE DON’T, THEN WE REMAIN AT THE LEVEL OF STEP TWO — CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES. OR, IF EITHER TRIES TO FORCE OR HURRY THE DEVELOPMENT OF STEP THREE, THEN THE RELATIONSHIP WILL PROBABLY BE UNSTABLE AND SHORT-LIVED. EACH STEP IS THE FOUNDATION FOR THE NEXT, AND IF THE TWO PEOPLE ARE NOT MUTUALLY COMPATIBLE, THEN ANYTHING IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP BEYOND STEP TWO WILL PROBABLY BE ARTIFICIAL.
HARLIE accepted this without comment. Auberson paused to consider his next sentence, then typed, THE NEXT STEP, STEP THREE, IS WHERE OUR SOCIETY (OR OUR CHRISTIAN ETHIC) GETS CONFUSED. THIS IS WHERE LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO APPEAR, FOLLOWED BY MARRIAGE AND THEN SEX. AND THAT’S NOT IT AT ALL. LOVE DOES NOT COME BEFORE SEX, IT COMES AFTER.