They were forced closer together as people pushed forward for a better view. Kate was conscious of him standing slightly behind and to one side as the firebursts boomed and flowered overhead. She swayed back, involuntarily, but in the moment before her shoulders brushed against him, a sudden waft of hot smoke stung her eyes. She turned away, blinking, and as she wiped them there was a commotion at the opposite side of the fire.
Through streaming eyes she saw a man duck under the rope cordon. A steward made a grab for him, but the man jinked around his outstretched hands like a rugby forward. He ran straight at the blazing stack of wood, and as Kate watched, still not believing what he was going to do, the man launched himself into it.
The steward’s cry was drowned in the bang of another explosion overhead. He dodged back, throwing up his arm to shield himself as the bonfire collapsed in a frenzy of sparks.
Behind him, the horrified, pale faces of the people standing by the ropes began to turn away, like lights blinking out. She heard one or two screams above the clatter of the fireworks, but most of the crowd were unaware of what had happened.
A cooing ahh went up at another extravagant rocket-burst as stewards ran towards the fire.
Kate quickly turned away as two of them pawed with long poles at a smouldering shape in the edge of the flames. She clutched hold of Alex’s arm. “Let’s go.”
Now more people were turning to look. A low murmur, almost a moan, went up from the crowd at some further movement from around the bonfire.
“Alex …”
He was still staring at the cluster of stewards. She tugged at him. He didn’t move.
“Come on, Alex.”
His face was blank with shock as he let her lead him away. They pushed against the flow of a crowd that was now moving towards the fire to see what had happened.
She almost lost her grip on Alex’s arm, but then the crush thinned and they could move freely.
Kate gagged at the smell of cooked meat as they passed the hot dog and burger stalls. She held her breath until they had left them behind, and glanced at Alex. His eyes were unfocused. He walked loosely, as though he were concussed.
“Are you all right?” Kate had to repeat the question before he responded. For a moment he looked at her without recognition, then he nodded.
“Yes, sorry, I …” His voice tailed off.
“Do you want to go for a drink?” Kate asked. They had reached the park exit. In the light from the street lamps she could see how pale his face was.
“No … no, I think I … I’d just like to go home.”
Kate flagged down a taxi. They rode in silence. Alex seemed to have withdrawn into himself. He sat in a corner of the cab, staring out of the window. Lights from the street played over his face like a slow-motion strobe.
“Why would someone do that?” Kate said, unable to keep quiet any longer.
Alex shook his head.
Kate saw the figure leap into the flames, the fire collapse again. She gave an involuntary flinch. “Even if he wanted to kill himself, why pick such a — a horrible way?”
She found that her teeth were chattering a little as she spoke, although it wasn’t cold in the cab. Alex continued to stare out of the window.
“Perhaps it didn’t seem horrible to him.”
His face was in shadow. Kate couldn’t see his expression.
She knew she was beginning to sound ghoulish, but couldn’t stop herself. “But why do it like that? In front of all those people?”
She felt rather than saw Alex stir. “It was a way of getting attention. Showing everyone he was there. Perhaps he wanted to hit out at them. Or at someone in particular. Like saying, ‘Look what I’m doing, this is your fault. You made me do this’.” He was silent for a moment. “Or perhaps he wanted to punish himself.”
Kate tried to shut out the memory of the steward’s face, paralysed with horror and disbelief as he was forced to watch. She knew that no matter how bad her nightmares might be, his would be worse.
“It seems … I don’t know. Selfish, somehow.”
“Selfish?” Alex had turned to look at her.
“Doing something like that in front of so many complete strangers. Not caring what it would do to them afterwards.”
“Would they have cared about him if he hadn’t done it?”
“No, probably not, but — “
“So why should he care about them?”
The bitterness in his tone was like a rebuke. She didn’t answer.
Alex sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
“No, I …” He gestured, helplessly. “It just got to me a bit, that’s all.”
Kate was already regretting what she’d said. Alex rarely talked about his work, but she felt clumsy and insensitive for not anticipating how this might have affected him. Tentatively, she asked, “Have you known someone like that?”
“Once,” he said, looking back out of the window.
Lucy and Jack asked Kate over for Christmas Day, as they usually did. “Ask Alex, too,” Lucy added. “Unless you’ve both got other plans?”
Kate tried not to sound too evasive. “I haven’t. I’m not sure what Alex is doing, though.”
“Is he thinking about going to his parents’?”
“He might be, I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? Haven’t you asked him?”
“Uh … No, not yet.”
“Not yet? Don’t you think you’re leaving it a bit late?”
Kate wouldn’t meet Lucy’s eye. “I just haven’t got round to it. Anyway, I expect he’s already got his own plans.”
“And I expect he’s thinking exactly the same about you. God, you’re as bad as each other!” Lucy went to the phone, looking exasperated. “All right, what’s his number? If you’re not going to ask him, I will!”
“Don’t you dare!”
Lucy smiled, the receiver held ready.
Kate threw up her hands. “All right, all right! I’ll ask him.”
“Now?” Lucy offered her the phone.
“Tomorrow,” Kate said, firmly.
She told herself it was ridiculous to feel nervous, but that didn’t make her feel any less so as she waited to broach the subject the next night. The theatre bar they were in was festooned with gaudy green and red baubles and tinsel. Christmas was inescapable, no matter how much you tried.
“Are you going to Cornwall for Christmas?” Kate asked finally, giving up any attempt at subtlety.
“Cornwall?”
“To your parents.”
“Oh! Oh … yes, probably, I expect.” He gave an unenthusiastic smile. “Have to carve the turkey and listen to the Queen’s speech, and everything.” He paused. “What about you?”
Kate tried to sound unconcerned. “Lucy and Jack have
invited me over. They wondered if you wanted to go as well, if you hadn’t already got something lined up. But I said you probably would have.”
“For Christmas Day?” He sounded surprised.
“Yes, but it’s all right. We thought you’d be spending it with your family.”
The chime sounded for the start of the next act. Kate finished her drink. “We’d better go back in,” she said, and blamed the flatness she felt on the poorness of the play.
It was two days later when Alex phoned. “Looks like I’ve been ditched at Christmas,” he told her. “My mother rang last night and asked if I minded if they went away instead. A last-minute offer from friends in Spain.”
Kate kept her voice neutral. “So what will you do now?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Probably just spend a quiet one on my own.”
Kate could almost hear Lucy’s prompting, Oh, for God’s sake, just ask him. “You can still come over to Lucy and Jack’s,” she said, trying to sound off-hand. “I know they’d be pleased to see you.”