Eugene Petkovitch is Satan.
He rarely even has to go to trial anymore, everyone is that afraid of him. He just writes the demand letter, fills in the amount, and the insurance companies pay.
Pay the money, Pam. I’m begging you.
You don’t want this trouble. I don’t want this trouble.
Sincerely,
Craig
Ms. Pamela A. HolmstrumClaims SuperintendentWestern States Insurance Co. 801 Flower StreetLos Angeles, CA
Craig D. Schaeffer
Attorney-at-Law
3615 Monterey
Palm Desert, CA
1 August 1983
Dear Craig,
Where have I been?
I’ve been in Nebraska, Craig, where-naive and old-fashioned as this may seem-we still take a dim view of extortion. I’ll admit that I’m just the new kid here in sophisticated California-a hayseed, a hick, a corn-fed farm girl with the mud barely dry on her clodhoppers-but I guess I just don’t think that the best way to start my job as the regional claims superintendent for Western States Insurance is to fork over $15,000,000 of the company’s hard-earned money to a Nazi money-launderer, the male, Lebanese counterpart of Imelda Marcos, and an extortionate, blackmailing shyster with a candy-assed name like Eugene who embodies everything that I feel is currently wrong with this country.
I just ain’t a-going to do it.
In the ringing words of Thomas Jefferson, “Millions for defense, not one penny for tribute.”
Get to work.
Sincerely,
Pamela A. Holmstrum
Craig D. SchaefferAttorney-at-Law3615 MontereyPalm Desert, CA
Ms. Pamela A. Holmstrum
Claims Superintendent
Western States Insurance Co.
801 Flower Street
Los Angeles, CA
4 August 1983
Dear Pamela A. Holmstrum,
Realizing now that you have recently emigrated from the unsullied moral purity of the prairie, I understand just how shocking and offensive you must find the corrupt stench of the former Bear Flag Republic. How awful it must be to emerge still fresh-faced and dewy-eyed from your white clapboard Methodist Church, hymnal clutched in your firm hand, to find that not all the world is as honest as the yeoman tillers of the land who were your plain, straight-shootin’ kinfolk in Omaha.
Nevertheless, when in Sodom and Gommorah…
Pay the money, Pam. Pay it now. Without an eyewitness to this arson we are hosed.
You are a small insurance company. I am a small-time lawyer. And even Thomas Jefferson was never cross-examined by Eugene Petkovitch.
Sincerely,
Craig D. Schaeffer
P.S.: Doubtless you are a tall, blonde, blue-eyed right-wing Christian conservative who reads National Review, is a member of the NRA, voted for Reagan and sits around her house watching John Wayne videos. Am I right?
Ms. Pamela A. HolmstrumClaims SuperintendentWestern States Insurance Co. 801 Flower StreetLos Angeles, CA
Craig D. Schaeffer
Attorney- at-Law
3615 Monterey
Palm Desert, CA
7 August 1983
Dear Craig,
Small is as small does.
Western States Insurance Company is small in the sense that it does not have $15,000,000 to give away. I’m afraid we are saving this money for foolish things like hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and accidental fires.
The question is: Are you a small lawyer? We need proof? Get proof. We need an eyewitness? Get an eyewitness.
Cheers,
Pamela
P.S.: As a matter of fact, I’m a short, brown-eyed brunette. Yes, I am a Methodist, no I am not a member of the NRA, and yes I voted for President Reagan. And yes, I do from time to time like to watch the Duke. You are probably short, have black hair, bottle-thick glasses, read The New Republic, are a member of the ACLU, voted for that loser Carter, and go to Woody Allen movies. Just curious.
P.P.S.: And it’s Lincoln, not Omaha.
Craig D. SchaefferAttorney- at-Law3615 MontereyPalm Desert, CA
Ms. Pamela A. Holmstrum
Claims Superintendent
Western States Insurance Co.
801 Flower Street
Los Angeles, CA
8 August 1983
Dear Pamela,
As the Muller household was built in a failing real-estate development, he had only one neighbor, a Mr. Nathan Silverstein. Mr. Silverstein is eighty-six years old and, when I contacted him in my initial investigation, claims to have seen “nothing-bubkus.” Nevertheless I have tried to recontact Mr. Silverstein but he does not seem to be in town. I shall keep trying.
But I must still recommend that you lower your testosterone level and settle this file.
Sincerely,
Craig
P.S.: Thank you for your characterization of me as your stereotypical “Jew lawyer.” Sorry to shatter your dearly held illusions, but I am six-three, blue-eyed with straight black hair. Yes, I am a Democrat, a proud member of the ACLU, and voted against Ronald Reagan numerous times. I liked Woody Allen before he decided that he was Ingmar Bergman.
By Fax
Dear Craig,
If I get rid of some excess testosterone as you suggest, shall I send it to you? Sounds like you could use some.
Pam
By Fax
Dear Pam,
I am the Palm Desert triathlete champion in the 35-43 age bracket.
Craig
By Fax
Dear Craig,
I could run, swim, and bike you into the ground.
Pam
By Fax
Pam,
Want to meet for lunch Monday and discuss it?
Craig
By Fax
Craig,
You bet.
Pam
Chapter 11
Of course I didn’t have the benefit of seeing this epistolary yuppie romance until it was too late. Ditto the tapes that the testosteronally challenged-by Pam Holmstrum-Craig Schaeffer went out and got from Heinz Muller’s telephone:
10 August. From a tape made by Attorney Craig D. Schaeffer of a conversation between Heinz Muller (HM) and Amin Abdullah (AA).
AA: Hello, Heinz?
HM: This is my home telephone.
AA: I know, this is why I called you here, okay?
(Seventeen seconds of silence.)
AA: Hello? Hello?
HM: Did you take care of it?
AA: Take care of what?
HM: The old Jew.
AA: Sure, okay. I took care of it, okay?
HM: Ja, good. It’s about time you did some AA: Don’t worry, okay? I scared him off.
(Twenty-three seconds of silence.)
HM: You did what?
AA: I scared him away, okay? I called him up, told him maybe fire could happen at his house, you never know, okay? I told him HM: You are an idiot.
AA: No, I didn’t call him an idiot, but I HM: No, I’m calling you AA: No, I’m calling you, remember, okay? Anyway, I don’t think the old Jew ever is coming back.
HM: Idiot! Moron!
AA: Heinz, what’s the matter, okay?
HM: You were not supposed to scare him off, you were supposed to take care of him.
AA: I thought we didn’t like him.
HM: No, idiot. Take care of him.
(Thirty seconds of silence.)
AA: You mean kill him?
HM: I suppose I was trying to not actually say it.
AA: Heinz, you think the phone is bugged?
HM: No, the stupid Jew lawyer belongs to the ACLU.
AA: Heinz, when do we get the money, okay? The insurance company stopped sending me my checks and I’m getting low on cash, okay? And I lose bundle in casino just now, okay? Damn Vegas, I HM: You get the cash when you finish the job.
AA: Heinz, the house is burned to the ground, okay?
(Twelve seconds of silence.)
HM: The old Jew.
AA: You want me to burn his house to the ground?
(Fifteen seconds of silence.)