Yours truly, Pam Holmstrum
P.S.: Do you believe the nerve of this son-of-a-gun?
P.P.S.: Eight o’clock?
The Law Offices of Eugene E. Petkovitch1500 Mitch Miller BoulevardPalm Springs, CA
Ms. Pamela Holmstrum
Western States Insurance Co.
801 Flower Street
Los Angeles, CA
16 August 1983
Dear Ms. Holmstrum,
This letter is to inform you that I no longer represent Mr. Amin “Sami” Abdullah. If I had thought for a moment that this man was an arsonist, fraud and kidnapper I would never have deigned to take pen in hand-rhetorically speaking-on his behalf. Please accept my profound apologies.
Second, I wish to inform you that I will be filing suit against you on behalf of the estate of the late Heinz Muller. The causes of action will be unlawful surveillance, harassment, assault with a deadly vehicle (his Land Rover), false imprisonment, and wrongful death. I am also naming Mr. Neal Carey, Mr. Nathan Silverstein, Ms. Hope White, Ms. Karen Hawley, and one John Doe aka “Mickey the C.”
I am personally and professionally outraged-OUTRAGED-that an insurance carrier in this day and age would single out for oppressive treatment an individual just because that person happens to be a foreign immigrant. Immigration built this land, Ms. Holmstrum, lest you or Western States Insurance Company ever forget it!
Your conduct has been despicable!
I am certain that a California jury will send a message to the insurance industry-via a large punitive damages award-that this type of conduct will no longer be tolerated.
There is still time for you to avoid litigation.
My client, the estate of Mr. Heinz Muller, is generously willing to accept $100,000,000 for the pain, suffering and unlawful death that your Gestapo-like inquisition and jackboot investigative tactics have inflicted upon him. This sum represents far less than an outraged jury would award, and saves you the cost of a long, expensive, and ultimately futile defense.
This offer expires at close of business, five working days hence, and will not be compromised or renewed.
Sincerely yours, Eugene E. Petkovitch
Craig D. SchaefferAttorney-at-Law3615 MontereyPalm Desert, CA
Ms. Pamela A. Holmstrum
Claims Superintendent
Western States Insurance Co.
801 Flower Street
Los Angeles, CA
20 August 1983
Dear Pam,
Enclosed please find my response to the demand letter of Attorney Eugene Petkovitch.
Here we go again.
Sincerely, Craig
P.S.: Enjoyed watching The Searchers. Was it John Wayne, or you?
Craig D. SchaefferAttorney-at-Law3615 MontereyPalm Desert, CA
Eugene E. Petkovitch
The Law Offices of Eugene E. Petkovitch
1500 Mitch Miller Boulevard
Palm Springs, CA
20 August 1983
Dear Eugene,
I am once again representing Western States Insurance Company. In response to your latest correspondence:
1) Take us to court.
2) Bring your lunch.
The usual bullshit, Craig “Mad Dog” Schaeffer
By Fax
Dear Craig,
I read with great interest your response to Attorney Petkovitch.
I have a triathlon in Laguna next weekend. Can you lend me some testosterone?
Pam
P.S.: I rented Annie Hall, if that will get you here.
Chapter 29
Dear Diary,
What a day!
I went over to visit Nathan in the hospital. He is sharing a room with that nice young man Neal. Nathan says Neal is kind of grumpy sometimes but Nathan puts up with it because he says that Neal is very eager to learn all about the good old days in burlesque so Nathan is telling him all about it.
Nathan is feeling much better even though the ordeal was very hard on him. He has decided to buy a condo here in Las Vegas. At first, Diary, he wanted to move in with me but I didn’t think that would be proper. So I told him to get his own place nearby and I would come over for matinees (blush, blush).
That nice young man Neal is also recovering. He had a dislocated shoulder, a cracked cheekbone, a bruised hip, a bruised throat, a concussion and multiple contusions. He says he is eager to get out of the hospital. In fact the other day, right in the middle of one of Nathan’s lessons about burlesque, Neal said that if he didn’t get out of the room soon he was going to stick his head down the commode and try to flush himself. I think he must have been joking, though, because they won’t let him up to use the bathroom and I think he is a little jealous of Nathan about this. Nathan is already in a wheelchair and Neal is still in bed.
I’m sure he was happy to see his fiancee, Karen. You remember, Diary, the nice girl that Neal would not get in a family way? She came in today as usual, but she had a special gleam in her eye, if you know what I mean (blush, blush). She came in and said hello to us and kissed Neal on the cheek.
“How are you?” she asked.
“Better,” he said.
“Headache?”
“No.”
“Shoulder?”
“Not bad.”
She smiled and dug into her purse. Then she pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and slipped it to me. “Sweetie,” she whispered, “can I treat you to a movie or something?”
She winked at me and I winked back and then I rolled Nathan down to the cafeteria. They have slot machines there.
Karen was pulling the curtain around Neal’s bed as we left. I don’t know what went on in that room while we were gone, Diary! (Blush, blush.)
Your confidante, Hope
Chapter 30
Men are dependable, god bless’em. You can bust them up, throw them down a mine shaft, and half drown them… they can have broken bones, a cracked head, and a body that’s one big bruise… in short, they can just hurt all over, and if that one part works they still want to, you know, do it.
It’s just one of the things I love about them.
Not that I jumped right into the sack. (“Eased” is more like it, anyway. When the moment came I “eased” into the sack, Neal being in a delicate condition and all.) First we made a little small talk.
“Petkovitch is suing you?!” I asked when Neal told me.
“He’s suing you, too.”
“That’s outrageous,” I said. “Do you know a good lawyer?”
“I don’t think we’ll be needing one,” Neal answered. “He’s also suing Mickey the C.”
“That’s not real bright.”
“It’s downright dim,” Neal said. “Mickey the C’s idea of playing rough includes a little more than sarcastic remarks in his correspondence.”
“I noticed.”
“Right.”
“So how are you?” I asked.
“I hurt all over.”
“One big bruise.”
“One big bruise.”
“I gave Hope twenty bucks.”
“What for?” he asked.
“Get rid of her.”
“And Nathan?”
“And Nathan.”
“What for?”
Giving me that innocent look as if he didn’t have a clue.
“Never mind,” I said. “You’re in pain.”
“Actually, I’m starting to feel better.”
“And you need your rest.”
“In moderation,” he said. “With exercise.”
“But you can’t get out of bed.”
“Nope.”
“Nope.”
“So any exercise you’re going to get…”
“… would have to be in bed.”
“Hmmm.”
“Hmmm.”
I shut and locked the door, then got out of my clothes.
“I’m really feeling considerable improvement,” Neal said.
What can I tell you? The guy makes me laugh.
“It must be the tender, loving care,” I said.
“Is that it?”
“It’s about to be.”
Then I eased into the bed.
Epilogue
Karen was just getting out of the shower when I asked her to get me a Diet Pepsi.