I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I couldn’t put myself in situations where the odds of me ending up like Julia were even higher than normal. I’d do whatever it took to rid the fear from my system and protect my heart. Which meant calling the person I loved most and telling him that I couldn’t be the woman he needed me to be.
“Hey babe,” I said when she answered the phone. “What’s up?”
“Just got home,” she said. “About to get in the shower.”
“I’m out with Hoyt and Chayse,” I told her even though she didn’t ask. “Just wait until you meet her. She’s really something.” The two of us had talked about the mess Hoyt was in with his new rider and usually she cracked a joke about poor Hoyt’s well-being. This time she didn’t.
“That’s nice.” She was short with her words, more than the last time we’d talked. I could feel her pulling away from me and there wasn’t much I could do except ask her about it.
“Are you all right? Did something happen at work?” We’d been good. Nothing had happened between us to make her angry with me. I searched my brain for anything that I’d said or done and there was nothing.
“I was in the ER so everything happened,” she said. “It was a mess.”
“That sucks, babe,” I said, trying to be there for her.
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You’ll graduate soon and then you can be in whatever department you want. You won’t have to work in the emergency room if you don’t want to.”
“I don’t mean that,” she said slowly. “I mean us. I don’t think I can do this long distance thing.”
“Are you serious right now?” I said after a long silence trying to comprehend what I had just heard. I could tell something was up with her, but I never imagined her saying that.
“It’s too hard.”
“You think I like it?” My voice rose a little and I suddenly remembered where I was. I calmed myself down. “We were fine just a few hours ago,” I said. Something must have happened to cause this panic. “What are you doing, Georgia?”
“I’ve just been thinking,” she said. “A lot. I think it would be easier for both of us if we just ended this now. Before anybody gets hurt.”
“Oh you think it would be easier?” I snapped, already hurt by the conversation. I was doing everything I was supposed to do to make this work between us. I thought she was meeting me halfway, but apparently I was wrong. “Because it sounds to me like you’re giving up.”
“I’m not...” she cleared her throat. “I’m not giving up. I just... I can’t do this again.”
“What are you talking about again?”
“I will not put myself through it,” she said as if she was talking to herself. I had a pretty good idea that she was blurring the lines between me and Jamie at that moment. “I can’t.”
“I’m right here, Georgia,” I tried to coax her back to reality. I could hear her crying, despite her best attempt. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“You can’t know that. You can’t make a promise you can’t keep.”
“Please don’t do this,” I said, hearing the desperation echo in my phone. I could feel her pulling away. I could feel her ending something that we’d barely started. “Let’s talk about this.”
“I’m sorry,” she said before the line went dead. She didn’t even give me a chance to plead my case. I dialed her number and it went straight to voice mail. The clench of my fist was threatening to shatter the phone. I put it in my pocket on the chance that she would come to her senses and call me back.
As I walked back to where Hoyt and Chayse were sitting, I felt like I’d been gutted. The walls were closing in on me and everything I wanted to say to her was still on the tip of my tongue. I had to get out of there and call her back. I needed her to hear everything I had to say.
“What’s the matter with you?” Hoyt said as I pulled a twenty from my wallet and tossed it on the bar. Clearly my state of mind was obvious from the look on my face.
“I think Georgia just broke up with me,” I said. Saying the words felt as bad as hearing them. I’d never been dumped. I was usually the dumper, not the dumpee. I was at a loss and I didn’t feel like hashing it out in a bar with Hoyt or Chayse who were both giving me their most pitying looks. I just wanted to call her back.
* * *
Twenty-nine messages and ten phone calls. That’s how many I sent, how many times I tried to call, before I started to feel completely hopeless. The word Delivered never showed up on my screen so I knew that she’d blocked me. Blocked me, like no thank you, do not want to ever hear from you again.
What the fuck did I do?
Nothing. I’d done nothing but love her. Maybe too much if that was possible.
“Give her a few a days,” Hoyt said the next day when I was trying to focus on riding. I’d cased my first jump, the bike landed wonky, slamming me and itself against the ground and almost tossing me off. “Maybe she just needs a little time to realize that she made a mistake.”
“I don’t know,” I said, the heavy sigh I felt building in my chest released as I shook my head. “Maybe I should go to Halstead. Demand that she tell me why.”
“You know why,” he said. “She’s scared. This isn’t exactly conventional, man.”
Oh I knew exactly why, that didn’t mean that I had to be okay with her decision, did it? I’d seen her fall apart. I knew that it made her nervous to think that something could happen to me, but I thought what we had was worth the risk. I thought that she was willing to take a chance.
“Well so am I,” I confessed. “Scared that she’s not going to change her mind.”
“You can’t go,” he said. “You know that Pilsner would be all over your ass if you skipped out on training. The exhibition is in two weeks and he’s counting on your comeback to help secure the new deal,” he paused. I hated that he was right. I knew that my loyalty to Throttled Energy would be thoroughly questioned if I left. The last thing I needed was to lose my livelihood too. “If you haven’t heard from her by then I’ll personally drive you back to Halstead if you want.” I nodded, but I knew exactly what he was thinking. “Maybe she isn’t strong enough,” he said, the look on his face clearly said he hated to be the bearer of bad news. “Your job is a lot to handle. You could get hurt,” he said. “Or worse. She’s already lost one guy she thought she’d spend her life with. Now she has to worry about someone with a job like yours. And let’s face it, Brett. This isn’t a job. It’s a lifestyle. A dangerous one.”
“So what do I do? Quit? Give up what I’ve worked so hard for and hope that she takes me back?” I ran my hand through my hair, frustrated beyond belief, tugging at it as I tried to make sense of it all. She didn’t want to be with me because I loved a job that might kill me. The idea of not riding stung almost as bad as losing her. How did I choose between the two things that made me feel the most alive?
“I didn’t say that.”
“Fuck,” I seethed, putting the kickstand of my bike down. It took everything I had not to kick the son of bitch over. I was frustrated and tired. I hadn’t slept. I hadn’t eaten anything that morning. All I wanted to do was talk to her and she wouldn’t answer her goddamn phone. “This is exactly why I never had a girlfriend.”